NPD or just really selfish?

[mayahee]

Hi, this is my first post here. I guess I'm just looking for some insight. I am starting counselling hopefully soon too.

I don't know if my husband is a narc or if he's just really selfish. I do all the cleaning and all the cooking. I do all the childcare. I get up with him at 4am to make him breakfast before work, take care of the kids, dog, and house all day, cook dinner, put baby (and sometimes toddler) to bed, and then clean the kitchen and pack his lunch bag for work the next day. He works 5 til 330, comes home and plays on the computer and works out for an hour and a half, on the computer til dinner, and then in bed asap. Sometimes he helps put our daughter to bed, which amounts to falling asleep beside her while she looks at books.

He thinks this is all fine and good because he works and I don't (when he says this and I say that I still work, he says yeah but you don't have to leave the house so it doesn't count). When I ask for help he'll say things like, I am helping, I pay all the bills (even tho he doesn't, I buy groceries, clothes for the kids, and whatever incidentals). He holds his breadwinner status over me whenever he can, and then blames me for what he says because I make him feel like he does nothing around the house (he doesn't but he thinks his responsibility begins and ends at working 40 hours a week). I have to start working part time soon, even tho he could work overtime. He doesn't want to because he wants the extra day on the weekend to sit on his computer.

He never wants to spend time with us. All summer, me and the kids played outside and did yardwork and etc, and I always asked him and he always said no because he'd rather be on his computer. The odd time he did, he would just be bored and sit on his phone instead of actually being with us. the only time he ever gives me attention or wants to spend time with me is when he wants sex, which is all about him and his pleasure, and mine is barely a second thought. I spent days picking apples off our tree and baking stuff, and he didn't help even once, he didn't take care of the kids while I was doing any of it, he just sat on his computer. And then had the nerve to ask me to bake him an apple pie for him to take to work.

One day he was saying how hard it is to be in his position, that the kids don't appreciate what he does and the sacrifices and etc, and how he resents them because they have a better life than he did growing up.

If our baby is being whiny or crying, he'll call him a little bitch and tell him to stfu. And he just brushes me off when I tell him not to.

He spends 200 bucks a month on protein powder and supplements, but I catch shit if I spend a hundred bucks on some bath stuff that'll last me for the next 6 months

So yeah idk if he's really NPD or if he's just really selfish or has strong narcissistic tendencies or what

Thanks for reading and for any insight you can give. I'll give more details too if you ask

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry you are living like that! Seems like you got a raw deal. As for the diagnosis- we don't do that here. Would it matter if you could put a name to it? You would still have the same situation.
Please read the Toolbox and start implementing the strategies that are suitable for your situation. And please consider making his life less comfortable and yours more independent and self sufficient.

[hhaw]

welcome, mayahee:

I just want you to know....
you're not crazy.

You're experiencing unfair and abusive treatment, even if you weren't raised to know or identify it as such.... that's what it is, IME.

Lots of experienced voices on this board will be lending support and helpful information.

The ONE thing I want to impart, in this welcome post.....

don't let your husband know what you're up to, should you choose to pay attention to what he's doing, document it so you can show a court and you attorney, and protect your children IF the behavior escalates.

IF you decide to stand up for the children, beyond what you're doing, it's likely your husband will respond in ways you can't possibly imagine, so please.......
don't tip your hand.  Don't let him know if you're thinking about separating or leaving him. Don't let him know if you're frightened for your children..... EVER.  Giving your husband that kind of power will mean he uses it against you, IME.

Letting him think you DO want him to take the kids on his own, so you can DO other things, will take away his power to terrify you with threats to the children.....and you might not need this info yet.....likely.  But you might need it sooner than you think.

Keep your head down and document what you see and hear.  Check out your State's laws on recording others.  Your husband shouldn't name call, taunt or otherwise demean your shared children, but I think you already know that.