Family doesn’t understand health issues

intothewest26 · September 21, 2022, 09:31:57 AM

I've been experiencing some cardiac issues that are pretty scary - on Saturday I was driving and my heart rate jumped from 100 to 165 in a couple of seconds. Had to pull over and call an ambulance. I may have forgotten my medicine that day, but the doctors don't really know what's causing it yet. They think maybe it's related to PTSD, but sometimes it comes on when I'm calm. I also get chest pain.

My PD family who I live on the property with unfortunately does not seem to understand it. My narc grandma texted me and said something to the effect of "we always want you to be happy" which is just totally in contradiction to her verbal and emotional abuse etc and also she's really focused on toxic positivity, so it sounds like more of that to me. She also referred to her abusive behavior as "squabbles" and can't take accountability. She and my grandpa also watch when I get home or go outside, because they live right next door on the property, and will sometimes text me right after which is think is just creepy, honestly.

My mother acts sort of supportive, to an extent, and then she'll turn around and question if I took my heart meds at the right time, want me to go into detail about exactly what time I took the medicine, ask repeatedly, weird stuff. She also refused to help me last night when I needed something and was afraid to get it because I woke up and my heart rate was very high. If I stand up it goes up 20-30 bpm sometimes. So I didn't want to stand up. Like she outright refused to help me repeatedly when she knows this has happened before and it wasn't that much of a request.

I don't know why I keep letting her know when my heart rate gets high. I guess I just want to let someone know and since I live on the property she would be the closest in an emergency. But this whole thing is making it very hard to go low contact and the stress is probably contributing to the health issues.

I also don't know if I can or should move far away until this is resolved, which is difficult because with the way they act I want to move as far away as possible.

intothewest26 · September 21, 2022, 09:33:56 AM

I should also add that it's very unusual for me to forget to take this medication and if I did forget it was an extenuating circumstance and doesn't make sense that M would be repeatedly questioning me about what time I took it exactly

easterncappy · September 21, 2022, 01:37:45 PM

Did your family members ever fake medical emergencies for attention? I've seen "PD pretends to have medical emergency for attention -> PD assumes everyone else fakes medical emergencies for attention too" a lot.

Or maybe they just don't care that much about your health - I'm sorry to say, but they're not really capable of caring about others the way emotionally healthy people do. That was the case with my mom.

"We always want you to be happy" is a really weird thing to say to someone who is experiencing strange medical issues that are hard to diagnose. This is pointing me towards them thinking you're just making something up for attention or it's all in your head. Like, if I have a medical emergency, I don't want to be happy, I want to be alive and healthy. It's so odd - why would they say that?

moglow · September 21, 2022, 01:56:44 PM

I have a short answer for that: don't ask, don't tell. I refuse to allow mine to be anywhere in my personal business. Whatever health concerns I have, are mine. She's never been a source of comfort or compassion in times of need and I no longer ask that of her on any level.

Being the closest geographically in an emergency doesn't necessarily make her a reliable and compassionate health advocate for you.

easterncappy · September 21, 2022, 03:12:14 PM

That's a good point too. My parents have pretty much universally treated any and all of my medical emergencies as one of the following: an attempt at getting attention (not true - major projection on their part), gossip fodder, a sign of my weakness, or a nuisance because "ugh, I have to spend money on her?". I never once was actually comforted by either of my parents during a medical emergency. The second to last time I had a serious medical emergency, she basically mocked me the entire time and then told me that taking me to the hospital was a waste of time after it was over.

Anyway, OP, if you haven't already - please remove them as emergency contacts at any hospitals or clinics that have you in their system. Most of us thoughtlessly put our parents on those lists when we're in the FOG, so it's worth mentioning.

Cat of the Canals · September 21, 2022, 03:21:33 PM

Quote from: moglow on September 21, 2022, 01:56:44 PM
I have a short answer for that: don't ask, don't tell. I refuse to allow mine to be anywhere in my personal business. Whatever health concerns I have, are mine. She's never been a source of comfort or compassion in times of need and I no longer ask that of her on any level.

Being the closest geographically in an emergency doesn't necessarily make her a reliable and compassionate health advocate for you.

I unfortunately agree with this. They simply can't be relied upon to provide proper care.

PDmil is on a strict info diet when it comes to anything vaguely medical related, as she takes it as permission to barge in and "help." Her version of helping is to get all into our business, ask intrusive questions, INVITE HERSELF TO DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS... in other words, nothing actually helpful. She really just wants all the details so she can tell everyone our business (and I do mean everyone).

PDmom pretends she wants to help, because that makes her sound like a Good Mom™. But she's not actually comfortable with health issues, especially not long term ones, as I found out when she asked me if my endometriosis was "over now." This was after I explicitly told her it was a chronic illness. As usual, anything in my life that isn't ideal is treated as an inconvenience to her.

intothewest26 · September 21, 2022, 03:42:20 PM

Oh gosh, my mom demanded to come to one of my doctors appointments too. Actually several now that I think about it.

I think my grandma was insinuating that it's a mental thing, she has told me before I need to "be more positive." I agree this has nothing to do with real medical concerns. It's just another way she is undermining and invalidating my experience.

It is seen as an inconvenience in a lot of ways I think. That's how my mom is. It would have been fairly simple for her to help me, but I don't know why I even asked. It's the same result every time and it's like running into a wall over and over.

moglow · September 21, 2022, 03:58:51 PM

Years ago I had lasik surgery to correct my horrible vision. I was around 35 or so, living alone so I asked md to go with me to drive me home after. O.M.G such a huge inconvenience for her! Then I had a panic attack during surgery [my valium didn't quite do the trick!], came out soaked with sheer nervous sweat from my neck to tailbone, shaking like a leaf in a storm. "What's wrong with you?? Youd think you had to do something in there!" No, I lost my ever loving mind and panicked.

Anyhoo, I got home and was to take sleeping pills to knock me out, give my eyes time to rest. Taking just one only made me woozy so I ended up on the phone with a friend, all giggly and high as a Georgia pine. She hears me talking, *picked up the extension phone and told me I needed to go to sleep*! My friend has zero filters and piped up "Who the hell are YOU to tell an adult what to do?? Hang up the damn phone!!" She didn't like him much after that - ANY mention of him and she'd get all snarly!

Andeza · September 21, 2022, 04:24:00 PM

Mo, I immediately like your friend, lol! On a side note if I ever need lasik they'd have to knock me out or they'd end up fighting me...

Back on topic
I'll keep this brief, just the highlights. DH had an unexplained, undiagnosed medical issue that left him unable to walk on and off for several years. Each cycle it got better and better and he's not had major trouble for years now. His parents, of which at least his mom is most likely some form of pd, were convinced it was in his head. They tried to keep other family from finding out, asked him to attend major events without his wheelchair, which was impossible unless he crawled smh, and were resistant to getting him checked out medically.

Years later updmil went gluten free, decided it must be gluten making his legs sore. His legs weren't sore, but that was her denial term. Hubby cut out gluten for two months, we were willing to try anything, no major improvement. She was convinced still that he just needed to stick with it longer and he'd be completely healed! Bah. Bunch of nonsense.

They just couldn't face the possibility of their family no longer looking like the perfect picture in their heads. If you're not bleeding out in the OR it can't be serious. Must be imagined and you just have to keep trying a little bit harder.

The perfect picture cannot be disturbed. It must be maintained at all costs. Such a mess.

intothewest26 · September 21, 2022, 08:53:57 PM

I can relate to it being an inconvenience.

I just don't get it. Medical concerns are medical concerns. Andeza, I can relate to that also. My N family gets super focused on seeing things one way and don't want to see reality of the situation (I think that's the best way to explain it, I don't know.)