Relationship woes

[lotusblume]

Hi all,

It's been a long time since I've been in here, but when I was dealing with FOO issues, I posted and read frequently.

I will write in this section since this is where I recognize the most of you, and you may remember me too.

This post is, in a way, about my parents, but more so about my long-time fiancé, whom I now have a child with.

Long story short, when my DH and I got together, my parents were 'worried' after a few months because they thought he was controlling. I come from a dysfunctional, controlling family. I thought it was ridiculous and I ended up going lukewarm no-contact. I have seen them a total of one time since the big event that instigated the no contact, and that was at my grandmothers death bed.

Since my son was born, I decided to extend the olive branch by letting them know that I wanted to rebuild a relationship with the caveat of many conversations about the things they didn't want to talk about (the estrangement and things that led to it). They have mellowed out and after all this time, I know they haven't changed, but they are more respectful and treat me as an adult rather than a child, as they did before. I radically accept that they will have a tendency to stay in their comfort zone and not want to face dysfunction, but they have been acting well enough with me and I have pretty solid boundaries with them which I'm working on. I know I have a tendency to want to 'subscribe to their reality' sometimes, which means, rug sweeping and acting like nothing major happened, but at the same time, I just want to move on. They are not presently hurting or abusing me, and I am pretty content with the interaction.

My husband has no respect for them and will never forgive them (he says) for the smear campaign against him (and I). The narrative of him being controlling and having essentially kidnapped their adult daughter from them hurt him profusely. He says he is willing to meet with them, if he feels that I 'won't act like a child' with them, and will stand up for him and put our family first. I think this is fair, however, it also puts an enormous burden on me. I wish he would have more empathy for me in the situation and be more open-minded and patient, and give me space to at least try. Because the thing is, we never see them. It is never a good time for him. He pretty much forbids me for meeting them with our son if he's not there, and doesn't actually want to see them, so it's always put off.

Anyways. I just feel like it's tough. I don't want it to be so complicated.

But the bigger issue is the one that has been our own relationship rift since shortly after the initial rift with my parents (and siblings, extended family, and friends).

It was that, I experienced massive cognitive dissonance. Maybe they were right, I thought. We almost broke up in the early day's because of it. We were in a cloud before they mentioned anything, but ever since they voiced their concerns, I have rarely been able to trust my dh completely. This is a huge problem.

And it is not just because of them, it is because of the dysfunctional ways our relationship manifests sometimes. It's not all peaches and roses. He has done abusive things, and I have retaliated. I have said abusive things, and he has retaliated. But more so, I realize that I allowed myself to feel like I was the problem for a long time, for pretty much the whole time we have been together.

I have read some books though and he ticked off many boxes for emotional abuse. Funny thing is, when I get close to my period I have bad pms, and I get irritable and angry, and I'm not always cool. I'm not always proud of how I act. But we get into the worst fights. Like clockwork. He blames my pms, and for me, it's more nuanced. I am more sensitive but also fall into a black hole, maybe because of unresolved trauma, where I almost expect him to ne abusive, and then it comes true. I've been keeping track of things he says, and this month he called me a psycho, said I'm mentally unstable, I have serious problems, and he just gets really cold with me. I end up feelings worse and worse for a week, until I get my period. Then I can be more rational. I am rational now, and mulling this over, and I still think it's wrong that my pms is "the biggest problem in our relationship" according to him. I tell him that the biggest problems for me are the FOO stuff that we can never seem to be civil on, and always ends up hurtful, and the fact that sometimes he is emotionally abusive. He denies this, of course. I have showed him examples, I confronted him about this recently and he was so upset that he basically threatened to end our relationship, seriously. He thinks it is delusional that I would think that.

One of the aspects of the smear campaign with my FOO way back when was that my sibling was a mutual friend of his ex (BPD?) who claimed he was abusive and was trying to reach me to warn me (or, to ruin his life). My sister also has some traits of PD and so it was all very confusing. My sister was concerned for me, but also, she has tried to sabotage me before. Can two things be true at once? I suppose so! A narcissistic sibling may feel possessive, like it's ok for them to control you, but not okay for a boyfriend to control you. Does that make sense to anyone here?

I know I'm kind of rambling but I hope you can understand the big picture. I come from a dysfunctional and emotionally enmeshed/abusive at times family. I am now in a relationship where I still wonder if I am being abused, or just projecting, as my DH claims — and calls me abusive towards him. I wonder if my bad PMS causes me to hyperbolize his treatment of me and make me feel like a victim? Or if I am actually abusive and his reactions of verbal abuse and stonewalling are because of me? Or if my family is not as bad as he has told me they are?

It is so confusing.

I have told him that I don't want to go on feeling bad about myself, the other night (while pms-ing) I cuddled up and told him I just want us to be happy and we should try to work on communication, he got cold and said it was because of me, because of my pms, because of my trauma, etc, he is very good at blaming me and not the type to take responsibility very often. My affections were turned down and I tried to explain to him how I didn't want to be blamed for everything, and the whole conversation just went downhill, to the point where he was abusive IMO, and then he called me abusive (for telling him how I felt). I asked him how feelings can be abusive? How telling him how I felt was abusive? He told me to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and I said, I will from now on.

Things seem to be getting worse, and I think it's because I'm trying to stand up for myself and define my own reality. He accuses me of all the things I believe he is doing. It's very, very painful and confusing. He seems distant, I feel hopeless.

Could I just be in the fog and projecting my parents onto him? Or, am I just crazy?

Thanks for reading.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh! I am so sorry you are living in such a difficult and painful situation!  As you wrote, it could very well be that you have come from an abusive childhood and then ended up with an abusive partner. It has happened to so many of us on this forum that it seems to be the rule rather than the exception. Of course we are not always nice either and many on here have done and said things that they regret.
Having said that, the fact that you have isolated yourself from friends and family worries me. It is one of the strategies of abusive partners. They disapprove of all contacts other than the ones they can control. That way they can prevent that you can get a more objective view of things. If you decide to work on your own healing, you might want to consider re-establishing contact with the more healthy people in your environment.
Also it seems that talking with him about your problems has no constructive result. It might be time for you to study the Toolbox well and start implementing the strategies. You are a mother now. It's no longer only about yourself and your own abuse. It's time to take your life into your own hands and create a safe and supportive space for yourself and your kid.  If your partner cannot see his own contribution to the problems he is not going to work on them. He will continue to blame you for everything and that is going to keep you confused and troubled. In a good relationship there should be mutual respect and support. Not control, blaming and rejection.
As for your last question - how could you project your parent's behaviour onto him if he is cold, forbids you to see people you like, blames a physical condition that you cannot control for all your troubles instead of being supportive? Could it not rather be that because of your parents and your upbringing in your FOO you are blind to his abuse and have learned to tolerate unacceptable behaviour towards you?
Please go back to the Toolbox, begin to find support for yourself, work on your own healing. With time you will grow stronger and you will know what you have to do to improve your and your little ones' life.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, lotus bloom,

Like not right said, it seems to be very common that those of us who come from dysfunctional families tend to take that into our choosing of mates in the romantic realm.  Gosh, I know I did.  From my first boyfriend, to the man I was married to for 16 years and father of my children, to all the men I have dated since my divorce!  It's a mess! 

It seems like, for many years, you have lived with a false dichotomy that either your FOO was right, and your husband is controlling, or they are wrong, and he is an angel. Can it not be that your FOO was actually right even though they couldn't see the mote in their own eyes? 

What you have described in the way your husband treats you does indeed seem like emotional abuse.  Of course, none of us can diagnose him here, but we can affirm what you are telling us.  I also hear you still trying to blame yourself a lot.  You're not nice when you're on your period.  Well, it's pretty common to be grumpy and short-tempered when someone doesn't feel good.  But do you call him names?  Blame everything on him?  Twist his words and gaslight him?  If not, then you are not abusive even if you are grumpy and short tempered.  If so, then you may have some fleas from your FOO.

I would recommend therapy for yourself.  Not marriage therapy.  Though it sounds like your dh would probably not consent to going anyway.  I hope you find some peace and clarity. 

[TimetoHeal]

I
One of the aspects of the smear campaign with my FOO way back when was that my sibling was a mutual friend of his ex (BPD?) who claimed he was abusive and was trying to reach me to warn me (or, to ruin his life). My sister also has some traits of PD and so it was all very confusing. My sister was concerned for me, but also, she has tried to sabotage me before. Can two things be true at once? I suppose so! A narcissistic sibling may feel possessive, like it's ok for them to control you, but not okay for a boyfriend to control you. Does that make sense to anyone here

Aha!  I just re-read this paragraph, and yes it very much resonates with me!  Two things can most certainly be true.  And yes, a narcissistic relative can think it's okay for them to control and abuse you but no-one else can!  When I divorced my narcissistic, abusive husband, my narcissistic, abusive mother was my strongest supporter!!  She hated him and funded the best divorce attorney in town in order to take him down!  No one was going to treat her daughter that way...except her.  Ugh!     Also, I think she was thriving on the drama, but that's another point. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi lotusbloom,

He's responsible for his reactions. Even if you have pms, it doesnt justify his behaviours towards you.

And the fact that you know you have bad days, all the more reason for him to make his own decisions about how to treat you when you are not feeling well. Pms is real!

If he is not very emotionally mature himself at times,  he will have a hard time staying calm when you are upset.

From what you describe, it's possible you are seeing some of the same gaslighting and denial that you first experienced in your FOO.

Therapy could help you to look at how you want to address your feelings and your moods. Getting his support when you have pms is probably not working right now. Therapists can be pretty helpful around talking that stuff through.

You know that projections are a common part of getting Out of the FOG. I recently read on Nate Postlethwaits Instagram page that over explaining ourselves is a trauma response. I wonder if you are finding that you are explaining yourself to DH a lot lately.

I highly recommend Nate's posts. He is really nailing it re: healing from FOO traumas.

Trees

[lotusblume]

Thank you all for your kind replies. Just wanted to say that — a lot to think about, including my own fleas. I think it's possible my SO has some too. We are doing well most of the time. But when we fight, it isn't respectful and loving how I think it should be. I'm starting with working on managing my own actions and reactions and staying grounded. I'm also more assertive. Let's see how it goes... I will probably have more to update soon. I appreciate all of your insights. Thank you! If anyone has anything else to add I would love to hear your thoughts.