Cause and effect

[easterncappy]

I'm mostly posting this because I found it entertaining. It made me feel a little bit angry and anxious, as my mom always does, but I'm increasingly emotionally removed from the BS.

Baby is here. I was in the hospital for what felt like forever... after my daughter was born, my mind started racing, I immediately loved her more than I've ever loved another human being, I wondered if I'd be a "good enough" parent for her, and I felt an immediate sense of disgust towards my mom. I understood even less what drove her to be the way she is... not even the "small stuff" seemingly "makes sense because, you know, she had a rough life" anymore. It broke my heart right there that what I felt for my daughter the second I laid eyes on her was not what my mom felt for me.

My mom spammed my phone for days before I was scheduled for my induction, which she didn't know about, but she knew the baby was due soon (went about 4 days past due). I didn't answer any of the phone calls. She left a few voicemails but I didn't listen to them. After I specifically requested that my dad doesn't contact me again, guess who she recruited to spam my phone... is she that stupid or was she trying to intimidate me? Either way, it's about the thousandth time she didn't respect a boundary involving him specifically. Yawn.

Then, radio silence for a couple of days. "Maybe she finally got the hint", my husband says. Except, I get a phone call yesterday morning. It's time to feed the baby, and I figured I'd stand my ground here... maybe I shouldn't have answered, but I did. I'm not going to type out the whole phone call but this part was my favorite:

Mom: "Why didn't you tell me you were in the hospital? I was so worried!"
Me: "Because every time I had a medical emergency in the past, you were far from comforting and even made fun of me for it."
Mom: "But you can't fake a pregnancy and childbirth! This is different!"
Me: "And I didn't fake any of the other stuff, either. I was constantly sick because my quality of life was terrible with you. You literally tried to make me walk off a broken bone because you didn't want to pay an ER bill. You've told me that getting me medical care is a waste of time. Why would I tell you I'm in the hospital?"

Brief silence followed by a change of topic. Worth noting that I've literally never faked an illness or injury in my entire life, but she's literally admitted to doing that herself to my face. I didn't want to hear about how laboring for 40 hours on pitocin with a lopsided epidural that was wearing off by then was all in my head or that I did it for attention or that I was a hypochondriac, of course I didn't tell her!

She cried a lot, pitied herself, kept asking why I didn't tell her, why I didn't answer the phone, why I won't give her a picture of my daughter (gee maybe it's because your husband is a child molester and I don't want him to see her), kept begging me to call her again this week. It was pitiful. It's like they don't understand cause and effect.

A part of me feels bad for her but I know those feelings are misguided. She sounded really miserable... yet still manipulative and mean. I guess I really just feel bad that my daughter doesn't get a normal grandma and grandpa, and that I don't get to have a normal mom, no matter what. I can't deal with this anymore. If she discards me, fine.

[Escaped_Goat]

Congratulations on your beautiful baby!

Your mother has a massively different  operating system in her brain. She has always felt comfortable using your emotions against you to evade responsibility. In any situation her need to feel innocent and right will be THE MOST POWERFUL impulse. Not connection. Not honesty. Not vulnerability. She can still make you feel guilty because your operating system is vastly different. You owe her nothing. You can walk away in peace. There is nothing you can do to make it any different.

The love you feel for your baby, that's love. Soak in those gorgeous new born baby cuddles.

[NarcKiddo]

Cappy! The baby has come! Yay!  Sounds like the birth was hard work - I hope you have been able to get lots of rest and snuggle time with your daughter.

You'll be a wonderful mother. I am sorry you don't have a role model in your own mother, but you don't need that. Your love will carry you through, and you will surely be "good enough".

Congratulations.

[Sojourner17]

congratulations Cappy!!!  Im so glad that your little darling daughter is here.  Its amazing how much love you can feel when they come huh!?  I am sorry that you are going through what you are with your mom right now.  Take the space you need to be with your little one and your husband.  I remember the first few weeks with my firstborn.  They were actually pretty tough.  I should have had more distance from my FOO but I was still in the fog and didnt know/craved their support (didnt really get much though).  I remember the days where there was a dip in hormones. I cant remember exactly now, you may have already had that happen...i think its day 5 pp or so.  I was also having troubles with breastfeeding (due to poor latch/tongue tie) and had no support from my unpdm who actually encouraged me to STOP breastfeeding because she had (apparently i bit her and she stopped breastfeeding right then and there) and I turned out fine.   

I say all this just to say...again...take the space you need.  Relax, have extra cuddles with dd, rest, sleep, have more cuddles with dd.  Take care of yourself.  This is a precious time in your life for your foc.  If need be shut your phone off so you arent inundated with calls.  Wishing you all the best!

[moglow]

HAPPY BABY!!! So glad she's arrived and y'all are well.


You didn't want her there, plain and simple, and you did what you needed to do. Her whinging has nothing to do with anything, other than maybe other people asking why she wasn't there. Guess what? I'd have done the same thing, so would plenty others who know the situation. You want peace and comfort and compassion, not her dramatics. SO glad you got them!

They *don't* understand cause and effect, and resent the simple fact that for most people in the world actions have consequences. Mine maintained that because "she's the mother" all bets are off and the rules didn't apply to her. Um no! They can want what they want, that's still your child to nurture and protect. They've shown who they are and you have to plan accordingly.

Rest and snuggle then rest some more. 

[Andeza]

Yes, days 4-5 are when the pp hormones kick you in the butt. Sojourner absolutely got that right. Rest, trust that you are being a great momma, and you are doing a great job. Because you are!

[Liketheducks]

Congratulations Cappy!    And, I'll add....way to go at handling the situation was your mom!    Well done momma!

[olivegirl]

Congratulations Mama! 

Enjoy this special time and keep putting yourself first. 

[Duck]

You are so far ahead of where I was at that age. It is always permissible to block numbers, let messages go to voice mail, delete voice mails without listening, etc.

[Cat of the Canals]

Congrats to you! I'm so glad to hear you and your new daughter are healthy and safe.

It really is too bad they can't be even halfway decent parents or grandparents. But what an amazing mom you are already turning out to be! Wishing you all the best.

[easterncappy]

I apologize for not responding to anyone individually, I just really don't have much time right now. I read and appreciate all of your responses. You guys have been very important in my journey towards just letting my mom go recently. I'm not really getting a lot of sleep. I'm trying to get at least a few chores done here and there to get back into the habit and establish a routine with the baby.

I've been having a lot of flashbacks to my childhood, and now that I'm a mom, they make me want to vomit. I don't think I could look my mom in the eyes at this point. She can cry all she wants, she's the one who left me with dangerous predators (and stayed married to one despite him abusing me), had friends who made fun of my appearance, laughed along with strangers who bullied me, used me as a confidante, covertly sexually abused me herself, behaved like an overgrown teenager instead of a mother my entire life. I genuinely can't wrap my mind around how she let all of this happen to her own baby now that I'm a mom. And I have no problem bluntly telling her this the next time she bothers me.

I'd genuinely rather die than put my daughter through one day of a childhood like mine. I'm not even kidding. The longer I spend with my husband and now my daughter as a normal, functioning family, thinking back to my childhood and young adulthood has me going "how in the HELL did I survive living with them?".

I know that a part of it is that this all happened to her as a kid, and she fell in line and stayed in the dysfunction by producing another generation of it, so she just sort of expected me to do the same. Now it's not computing with her brain and she's going back and forth between being angry at me for breaking the unspoken rules of our family and being sad that "things aren't the way they used to be... she's not the same person she was...".

--

Another highlight from the phone call that I forgot about:

So, I was very tired when we got back from the hospital. I had no concept of what day or time it was since about the second day at the hospital, and we were really just struggling to survive by the time she called (I think on our second day at home with the baby?).

Anyway, my mom asked me when the baby was born. I accidentally told her the incorrect day, I said Thursday instead of Friday... I really did believe she was born on Thursday, lol. And I told her the time, which was correct.

"Oh, I KNEW it! I could FEEL it!"

I realized hours later that I got the day wrong when I told her and I thought it was the funniest thing ever. She could feeeeeeel it with her magical powers, huh. Wonder why she never just KNEW and just FELT how her "parenting" affected me if she's such a prophet.

[hhaw]

Congratulations on your baby girl, easterncappy:

You're a good mama, even if you didn't have the mama you deserved....
you dd certainly will. 

If you decide to go NC with your mother.... it's OK and you're allowed to do that without guilt.  I would consider it, if I was in your shoes.

Even though your mother did her best, it was detrimental to your physical and emotional health.  Those are facts and you don't have to prove it to her or expect understanding from her... she's never going to give you anything, bc she's broken and she can't do better. 

My Therapist taught me something new during our last session.... to help when anxiety pops up for me.  I sit in the anxiety or pain and let whatever part of me requiring attention come up.....
T calls it the Ally.

She said all the parts and pieces of us from the past are either the wounded parts or the protector parts.... even the addicted or self destructive pieces have good intentions and want good things for us. 

So, I bring one of the pieces forth, which always comes from the left, for me.... and I picture that part saying.... "I understand how you'd feel that way about (insert the worry or problem.)" 

You can tailor what the part says to you.....
"I understand you'd feel exactly that way..."
"Of course you feel the way you feel about this..."

whatever works and see if that helps calm the energy and upset of the situation.  You bring that part forward, to stand with and by you, and receive validation and understanding from that source... the Ally.

The time my girls were small was the very best time of my life.  If you spend any time at all worrying about your mother, maybe give yourself a set time and DO IT, then put her and the story around her on she shelf.  I'd guard and protect my baby and the time I have with her so I limit future regrets over losing ANYTHING else to your broken mother. 

When your mother takes your attention, it takes you out of the this joyful moment with your newborn.  You deserve to have every precious moment belonging to you and your baby.  Your mother poaching your moments seems like insult to injury. 
You have the power to limit what your mother takes from you now.

[Leonor]

Hello Easterncappy beautiful mamma!

Are you reading this sitting down? Yes? Go lie down, for heavens sake. Are you already lying down? Then you should be napping!

I know the urge to try to do a few chores and get into a routine. Do you, your dh, and baby a favor and ... resist it!

Babies are so amazing and beautiful and little soft bundles of love with a tyrannical disregard for silly notions of schedule and to-do lists and chores. They sleep when they're sleepy, want to eat when they're hungry, and insist on being picked up and cradled when they are bored and anxious. For the past nine months Beautiful has been all snuggled and warm and muffled and safe inside her favorite person in the world, and now it's bright and noisy and scary, and if you're not near she's frightened.

And I bet that you don't feel "right" unless you're holding Beautiful and just amazing over how gorgeous her little nose is and how her little fingers curl around your thumb, and all you want to do is sleep and look at her and maybe cry for some weird reason and then look at her some more.

Omg, but there are dishes to do and laundry stacked up and the dust bunnies are big enough to have names and poor dh has rings under his eyes from exhaustion and the least you could do is put a frozen pizza in the oven, or take a shower. After all, you're no wimp! There are women who give birth in the field (where the maternal mortality rate is shockingly high) or who are back to their bikini bod in six weeks (see: assistant, nanny, chef and plastic surgeon.)

What about women with two kids? Three? More? Well for one thing most of those women have large extended families who live in the same building. Of course, you'd have to live with your mom, your husband's aunt and a small sister in law, but yes in that house the sheets have hospital corners.

The rest of us have realized that trying to pretend that you are feeling up to anything besides gazing adorably at baby and falling asleep on the sofa and drooling on the throw pillows is a one way ticket to postpartum depression. As far as your body is concerned, pregnancy is not done with you. Your brain is in a perma-fog. Your tummy is about four to five months pregnant. You're still recovering from pushing a watermelon out your OW! And you may sweat through your bedsheets or soak your favorite blouse or spend an entire shower crying for you don't even remember why but it's definitely awful and probably your husband is to blame.

This is not an inconvenience. This is not weakness. This is The Plan. This is Mother Nature knocking you back in your hemorrhoid donut so you Sit Down and Pay Attention to this Survival of the Species business. Seriously, who gives a flying @#$ if the dishwasher isn't emptied by six o'clock?

Oh look, your new closet: the dryer! Your new kitchen cabinet: the dishwasher! Your new wardrobe: your robe! Your new chef: the delivery app!

Daddy is wonderful. He's so strong and protective and wonderful. But right now, he's a third wheel. A very loving, slightly freaked out and overjoyed third wheel. You look to Beautiful and let dh look to you. I know he's super tired. But he is NOT as tired as you, even if he's doing the bottle and changing and 3am hallway stroll. His insides did not just turn themselves inside out without even doing a few crunches first. And he is not you. Really, one day Beautiful will know he is the most strongest, smartest, bestest dude in the world. Right now she could take him or leave him, because she is all about you.

So hand dh your phone and tell him to order whatever and that he can find clean socks in the dryer and you'll be down in a little bit after taking a nap and a shower and a Tylenol.

Your next to-do: zzz zzz ...

[Iris1022]

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! Enjoy these early days; they are so fleeting. The old cliche "the days are long but the years are short" is definitely true!

And good for you for setting firm boundaries and sticking to them with your mom. She sounds like a piece of work. It is sad that we can't have normal parents (and our kids can't have normal grandparents), but all we can do is handle our situations the best we can, and you are doing a great job of protecting yourself and your amazing family of choice.

I can completely identify with what you said about being even more baffled by your mom's behaviors after having your own child. I can't imagine ever, ever, ever treating my daughter the way my mom treated me as a kid. Growing up, I didn't realize how messed up things were in my life; I thought it was the norm. Now that I have a child it is glaringly obvious just how messed up it all was. To be honest, the fact that my mom even went through the process of carrying/birthing a child and bringing it up just seems bizarre. I was basically raised by an overgrown teenager.

Try to get some rest, and enjoy cuddling that baby!

[TimetoHeal]

Congratulations on your baby girl!!!     How wonderful!

Yes, becoming a mother can bring up a whole new level of processing stuff.  But don't worry, there will be plenty of time for that later.  Right now, rest and enjoy that bundle of love.  If you haven't already, seek out older women who have the qualities that you wish your mom had, and let them mentor you as a new mother. Be careful who you let into your inner circle, though.  But you've totally got this and will be a great mom!