Blending everything to a sludge

[Escaped_Goat]

I spend a lot of time trying to make sense of my FOO's relationship with reality. One of the most helpful ways I've come up with is that their brains work like liquidisers a lot of the time.

It doesnt matter what objective reality that goes in, it immediately gets whisked into a grey/beige sludge. So you can remind then of a definitive incident of abuse and it is instantly blended into the featureless slop. Theres no right or wrong or up or down.

Most people like to organise reality logically. 'That's not good/that's harmful' and so on. It's no wonder how frustrating it is trying to communicate with someone who liquidises everything immediately turning any chance of a meaningful exchange of thoughts into a vortex of nothingness.

I think some people who liquidise reality do it to avoid accountability and others do so to avoid uncomfortable truths. Both are harmful to those who like their grasp on reality to be as honest as possible.

[Cat of the Canals]

I like that analogy. My PDmil frequently will state two conflicting "truths" back to back, with no understanding that she's just contradicted herself. This makes sense if I think of how the two "truths" have been blended up past the point of recognition and are now part of the same soupy mess.

Another way I've thought of their "selective" reality is this: The PDs I know always have an agenda, it seems. I think they sort information into two buckets: Fits the Agenda and Doesn't Fit the Agenda. Anything that Fits the Agenda stays at the forefront of their mind. Now, I used to believe they genuinely tossed aside anything that Didn't Fit. That in many cases, they truly didn't remember the version of reality that wasn't in line with The Agenda. But lately I've seen evidence that, Anything that Doesn't Fit is still there and always has been... it just gets pushed into the darkest recesses and covered with several layers of denial.

[moglow]

Sludge may be an accurate analogy - I guarandamntee mine sees it as a sludge from which she personally is exempt. It's ALL good or bad as and when it benefits her personally. Other people, most definitely her own family? Meh. Facts in and of themselves are nonexistent, again as it benefits her.

[Escaped_Goat]

But lately I've seen evidence that, Anything that Doesn't Fit is still there and always has been... it just gets pushed into the darkest recesses and covered with several layers of denial.

I get what you mean. As disordered parent got older they accused me of behaviours that described quite specifically abuse they had carried out. It was like what they had buried was leaking out as they fell apart. It's all in there and I guess that's why they appear so tortured.

[Escaped_Goat]

Facts in and of themselves are nonexistent, again as it benefits her.

Absolutely! I sometimes describe my childhood like being caught in an industrial tumble dryer. Theres nothing to hold onto, what was up yesterday is down today. I think that's one of the biggest challenges as an adult survivor, is to stop that spinning in your head when you feel confused and to dare to feel solid ground where you can say with confidence 'that was wrong, you're still hurting me, I don't want to be near you'.  It can feel dangerous and wreckless to see clearly and name behaviours especially when your FOO want you to believe your distance is unnecessary and ridiculous.

[Srcyu]

I really like what you've said there. Definitely couldn't have put it better myself.

I managed to part those murky waters twice during my miserable life with her. The brief, shocked look on her face was a massive triumph for me and exposed her for what she really was. Her silence spoke volumes, swiftly followed by a return to normal service of course.