Help again!

[mary_poppins]

Hi all. Sorry that I need to ask again for your help but I don't know who else to ask. I already told my physical support group about the situation and were really compassionate about it. But you guys here have so much experience with this and a lot of you here have been NC for years.

Anyway, it's related to my work. I finally found a job, they are currently making my contract. But I have a bad feeling it won't work out.
Details: the job is remote because it's in Media. That means I'd need to work from home. The problem is that I'm living with PD mother and she goes balistic if she hears of me securing a job (she has abandonment issues) because, obviously, me having a stable income means leaving her.

In my previous post about work, I said I told them I was going to work for a few days as part of the work trial and my mother has changed so much. She became insecure, stressful and she'd constantly ask me and pester me about my work. She needed to know all the details, where is it, how much I earn, if she could drive me to work (wtf??). My support group peeps told me that she is trying hard to sabotage me getting a stable job by controlling me/stressing me out and micro managing. Before I told her about possibly finding work, she was calm and no one had any issues in the house.

Now both my parents are obsessed with what I do, where I go and they talk about me all the time (so disturbing!).

This new job starts on 9th of October but I feel like my mom will find a way to sabotage it. It would be easy to realize I am working because, well the work is in my mother tongue and will have to talk to manager, co-workers and such every day.

My mom's usual morning routine is absurd. She wakes up and starts yelling, arguing with her husband or, at best, gossiping with him in the kitchen. That's why I am usually not home in the morning-I'm either at the library or at a cafe. For the past few weeks I've been out of the house 85% of the time in a day and it has greatly improved my mental health. But now I need to be stuck with them because of the remote work.

PS: I'm also using their internet connection so i'm weary mom will cut the internet so I wouldn't work at my computer.

It's funny because she constantly says I need a job to pay for things but when the prospect of me having a job becomes real, she changes her mind.

Any tips would help.

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. I am sorry she is causing problems.

In terms of the remote work - laptop and working from a cafe, using their wifi? Or see if you can piggy back off your mobile phone data. You may need to research data plans in case you need to switch in a hurry to facilitate this if your mother does cut off the home internet.

There must be places you can go to do the remote work. Maybe someone in your support group has a spare room you can use for a small payment?

A lock on your door might be an idea if you don't have one. Plus using a headset for conversations so if she starts making noise they will be less likely to hear so much of it in the background.

Congratulations on landing the job. I hope it works out.

[moglow]

I didn't realize you're living in their house, now some of it makes a little sense to me. I think she's [understandably] afraid if you find regular gainful employment you'll become independent and leave. You'll be in a position to cut them off and she knows it. You can't very well be no contact in the same house, when they're supporting you. She wants you dependent and submissive and the very idea of you having a good job upsets her status quo. So she tears it all down wherever she can.

You need employment and to support yourself so you can have your own life finally. Downplay any conversation about your work. Pretend it's just a little job to keep you occupied and pay isn't much, if you want to. Outright lie if you have to. But you WORK, you produce, make yourself indispensable and brush off all her naysaying and comments. Passcode protect your computer, all accounts online, everything so she can't dig around in it. If you don't give her information she'll have to invent something, and that's fine. They don't have to know *anything* about your work!

I've said before, stop giving them specifics about your life, your health or anything else. It's being used as weapons against you and to hold you down. It's fine. Your job is fine. You feel fine. Gray rock the hell out of any and everything personal. By all means be pleasant, talk about the weather and how good that coffee is and thank her for the great dinner and whatever interests they may have [outside of ugliness and gossip] - and go back to work. And whenever things turn negative, woops! Gotta go. Don't participate in all that on any level, all it'll do is drag you down.

You are still not a little kid. Stand up for yourself - be pleasant but be firm. Her pushing doesn't mean you have to cave in. I know it's scary and new but everybody starts somewhere!

[Srcyu]

Good advice above.
Thought I would try and provide some insight into your mother's behaviour based on my own life experience. She has allocated you a position in life where you can be pushed around/ignored/blamed, whichever one suits her best. Your job offer is a clear indication that other people value what you have to offer and are willing to pay you for your time.
Her bullying, selfish brain can not deal with that very well and all of her future behaviour will reflect it.

Which brings us back to the advice above.
Good Luck and Congratulations.

[moglow]

What relationship I had with md completely tanked and she became even more volatile when I started speaking and standing up for myself. I made friends she didn't know, she never met because we weren't allowed to have friends over, I had outside interests and sources of comfort and information. None of that was allowed (in her mind).

Crux of the matter is, she lost her control source. She had isolated us and ridiculed every effort to step outside the box she'd put us in. Years of you are/arent this or that take a toll - she's the mother so we believed that she told us. Plus she was afraid wed talk about her, so she tried separating even her own children. We believed we weren't capable, couldn't do it, would be dependent on her and her whims etc. Until we didn't.

You can and need to do this, for yourself. Not for or because of her but for YOU. Show yourself what you're capable of - it's there. You just have to turn off her voice in your head - Evict that tenant up there and you've taken the first big step into freedom. She doesn't decide who you are anymore.

[mary_poppins]

Thanks moglow and everyone. I'll take up on this job offer and invent a massive lie regarding me spending time at my computer. The only thing that works for me is to just lie to her (where I go, what I do). She has no life outside of me and my brothers (and her husband) which means she's 'snacking' on our private lives and our stories. I can't understand how can someone choose to wake up daily not doing anything but gossiping and talking about other people's drama. It is something out of a movie for me. There's so much self-sabotage from her part.

Yeah, I've been living with her since 2020. I thought that I'd move back home to take a break until the pandemic is gone and I could go back to living abroad. However, things have been stalling especially in my country with such a low vax rate. Anyway, I plan to move back to Western Europe and just take this as a leaning experience that showed me how not to trust that narcissists will change and how important it is to stick to VLC/NC boundaries.

Windmill-thanks. I can see now why she's panicking when I bring up work opportunities. I checked Reddit and almost everyone there had a story of their PD mom sabotaging their work or job interviews. This is something I didn't know, had no prior knowledge to how jealous PDs are of other people's work/career/financial status. But it makes sense because, someone being independent and providing for themselves with no one's help is reminding them of how worthless they are because they cannot be independent and will always need to depend physically, emotionally, mentally on their narcissistic sources of supply. I see this in how PD M treats my brothers. She trashes my brother and paints him in bad light but she's still the one who asks him for a ride to the market or doctor's appointment. She's dependent on her adult sons even thought she doesn't really like them or appreciate them. I find this repulsive. 

[moglow]

Don't you dare turn down a job just because you fear her sabotage!! Just watch the lies - don't put it so far out there you can't keep up with it. Less information is more, limit what you tell her about it and you won't have much to keep up with. Your stuff is not her stuff and vice versa - build yourself a great wall of China between the two and take care of your own. She's a big girl, she'll get over it. If not it's STILL her choice in how she responds.

[TimetoHeal]

Yes, great advice given!

I agree that you need to do whatever it takes to earn money and move out of your mother's house.  That sounds miserable!

Another story for reference, my mom is the exact same way.  Everytime I have gotten a promotion she finds a way to make it sound terrible.  She belittles my work and says she would "pay me more than I'm making" to be her personal caregiver.     Um, no thanks!  I'll clean the public bathrooms at the park before I work for you!  LOL.

Also, I don't know if this is the case for you, but I know whenever I start a new job or position, I hear my mother's voice in my head telling me I am going to fail, and I have often psyched myself out of great opportunities because of this.  Don't let her psyche you out!  You've got this!

[Cat of the Canals]

First, congrats on the new job!

Second, I know it's a temporary fix, but does your library have private study rooms available?

[Srcyu]

Recognising the jealousy is a massive eye opener. The more we understand the reasons the greater our strength. So often it's the confusion that holds us back. They are masters in deception and will bend things around to their way of thinking no matter what.

You sound more in control now. Information is the key.

[Duck]

Getting this job is huge. I believe that because of the pandemic, the need increased in many places for "co-working" spaces. Lots of people work remotely without a good setup at home. Maybe Google that specific phrase, "co-working space." Many require a fee, but it might be worth it to ensure the secrecy of this escape hatch.

[mary_poppins]

Update: the job fell through. I should have seen the red flags: the CEO was non-communicative, he came 30 minutes late to the interview and didn't actually tell me the details about the job or the company. (I couldn't even verify if the company is legit or has past reviews from employees)

I assume that is why I came here to write about it because I was so stressed out. But the good thing about it is that I don't need to stay at home and work while mother dearest yells in the kitchen.

Thx everyone and I'll take your advice in the future.

[mary_poppins]

Don't you dare turn down a job just because you fear her sabotage!! Just watch the lies - don't put it so far out there you can't keep up with it. Less information is more, limit what you tell her about it and you won't have much to keep up with. Your stuff is not her stuff and vice versa - build yourself a great wall of China between the two and take care of your own. She's a big girl, she'll get over it. If not it's STILL her choice in how she responds.

Thanks, this kind of comment warms my heart. I learned a lot from all of you. And that it is easy to self-sabotage when you're in close contact with PDs. I think I'm doing it unconsciously.

'She's a big girl, she'll get over it.' Yes, she will. It's not my job to assuage her fears.

[mary_poppins]

Yes, great advice given!

I agree that you need to do whatever it takes to earn money and move out of your mother's house.  That sounds miserable!

It's maybe 6 months of weekly job interviews and jon hunting and nothing has been secured-except for awful, nursing home jobs who wanted to hire me and work me to death for very low pay (I did get one job there but did not survive in it long).
I'm pretty sure this happens because of how corrupted the system is and if u have no friend to recommend you for a job, you're screwed. Now I am starting to get pissed for ever coming back to my country.

However, taking one step at a time might be a better solution for this.

[mary_poppins]

First, congrats on the new job!

Second, I know it's a temporary fix, but does your library have private study rooms available?

No way. I live in a 3rd world country. No coworking spaces either.

[mary_poppins]

Recognising the jealousy is a massive eye opener. The more we understand the reasons the greater our strength. So often it's the confusion that holds us back. They are masters in deception and will bend things around to their way of thinking no matter what.

You sound more in control now. Information is the key.

The jealousy is what makes me feel so uneasy. She is like trying to control how I act so I won't advance to better, financial levels. One way she is doing this is by asking for money from siblings (with a full-time job). Spending their money sends the message that their paycheck is not theirs entirely, that they're not that important. Mother is and should be the most important here. I feel sorry for the siblings who fell for this scheme.