OMG - My mum is a Covert Narc

[escapingman]

Bang! I just got the last piece in the jigsaw and it explains everything. My mother is a covert narc. How have I not seen it before? I was/am her golden child. I have suspected for long that something is not right with her, but never added it up, she never hit me, but she has never been there for me emotionally. I don't think she has ever told me that she loves me, ever! For the last 15 years or so I have put down all her weird and bad behaviour on STBX. Now I realise, they are both Covert Narcs. That is why I felt 100 times worse every time I spent time with BOTH of them at the same time. I have been very low contact with her for many years, she is having a new man and since they met he has been all her priority. I don't think she would even notice if I went no contact with her.

I also got my last confirmation that dads partner is a narc as well, but she is overt. He is heavy in the FOG and all he prioritise is him and my sister. Dare I guess that my sister is a covert narc as well, she gets extremely hurt and goes silent when not getting her way.

Where do I go from here? This is just to much to take in. This feels much weirder and difficult to grasp than accepting that STBX is a covert narc.

Edit: I need to dig further on this but I think I am more the invisible child than the golden child.

[escapingman]

This is me, 100%. How could I not see it until today? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4600IAdgvC0

[Sneezy]

How have you not seen it before?  Well, like many people with covert NPD, your mother is probably bored, anxious, needy, antsy, doom and gloom, etc. all the time and it's always someone else's fault and she always needs someone else to fix it for her.  And as long as there has been someone else to fix it and to entertain her, such as SBTX or the new man in her life, then her behavior hasn't been as focused on you.  For years, I thought my mom was just a worrier and I blamed much of her behavior on her husband, as I believed her when she cried about how emotionally abusive he was (which is something I now have serious doubts about).  It wasn't until my mom moved near me, about four years ago, that I began to see her behavior for what it really is.

If you have a chance, search for Dr. Daniel Fox on youtube and watch his videos on covert NPD.  Very enlightening. 

[escapingman]

Thanks Sneezy, my STBX is also a covert narc, but she has much more rage and has rage fits. My mum just goes silent or say "whatever" and then that's it. As she has not been violent or had much rage I never looked at her as a narc. But if I honestly look back she did her fair bit of shouting and blaming me for very small things when growing up, and then the same to my sister who is much younger than me. When my dad left her (for an over narc) she must have had a narcissistic injury as she cried for several years and used my sister as her carer. She is now "happily?" married and full of life (at least if you would believe her social media).

I never really added 1 and 1 before but it was not until I moved away from the home town I started to thrive in school and then at work. I always feel suffocated and insecure as soon as I visit my hometown.

[Srcyu]

It's a Lightbulb moment. They are huge, sudden and they take your breath away. The clarity is dazzling.
Your brain has had a massive shock.

Two sentences caught my eye :- 'I don't think she would even notice if I went no contact with her.'
and :- 'she cried for several years.' 
They don't come much more self-centred than that.

I was the ignored/scapegoat.

[olivegirl]

I just recently realized my mother is a covert narcissist.

It was easy to cling to her when my father is a very aggressive, arrogant, raging, deeply insecure, grandiose narcissist who'd pound his fist in the air and say "I am the boss, the king, in my house!"

My covert npd mother would open her arms and rescued us from the scary tantrums of my father.

Little did I know that my mother, who is ALWAYS the victim, was really running the show.

She says the perfect words: "I love you, I'll always be here for you, you can trust me."

Only to be on the hunt for our vulnerabilities to be used against us later!

Whereas my father's abuse was humiliation and blame-shifting out in the open, his smug curled lip and dark glare to keep my sister and I on edge.

My mother thrives on triangulation and gaslighting and the classic DARVO.

It all became apparent as my father is an elderly man and his tantrums and pettiness are no longer as terrifying.

Thereby shining the spotlight on my mother, the real mastermind in imposing their controlling, authoritarian ways.

It certainly took my breath away when I realized just how duplicitous she is! 

[Preamble]

Escapingman I am guessing this is a strange kind of relief at the same time as being terrible.  I found it incredibly unsettling but freeing when the exact same process happened for me, with stbX and mother, in the same order as you.  I think when it's your mother though there is an odd effect.  Have you ever seen footage of weather balloons or something at very high altitude, and seen the horizon flip from convex to concave over and over again?  That is how I felt when figuring out my mother.  It can't be right, I must be crazy and bad to think it, and then, it is right, I was crazy not to see it.  After two decades I am still going through this but less often and shorter each time.

I hope this helps in some small way. 

[11JB68]

I can relate to the situation where things were so bad when you were subjected to both of them at the same time.  I had that with updm and updh.
Went NC with updm cuz it was too much!

[escapingman]

I am still struggling with the concept that my mother is a covert narc. I am trying to look back and she was very angry and were rowing a lot with me when I was in my teens, she then had a lot of fighting with my sister when she got into her teens and then following that my dad left her. I remember when my dad told me he was leaving her I was happy for him, but I also remember how he already before leaving her told me how wonderful this new girl he met was (a love bombing narc). I was living in the other side of the country at this time but mother called me and had long phone calls about how hard done by she was and then about all her love life and men she tried to get relationships with. Looking back I can't remember once she asked about me and how I was doing, neither her or dad attended my graduation from uni. When I moved closer to home and lived only 2 hours from home, she visited once in 3 years - with my sister in tow. Now I live in a different country, there was a fall out on her last visit (there was always a fall out as she and uNPDstbxw always polarised against each other and I had to sit in the middle) and she hasn't come to visit for about 8 years (which she denies). I have been very low contact with her for years without realising what she is, to be honest I don't care what she is, what is important is that I know what I am and feel. I finally can see the whole picture, it is a relief but overwhelming. The very little I have read so far about invisible children it suggest cognitive behaviour therapy might be good, I will explore that more but first I will read a couple of books I got.

Anyone else who identify as growing up as an invisible child and if so how have you managed?

[NarcKiddo]

Lightbulb moments can be really tough to process.

From what I have read, though, children of narcs (while still in the FOG) often end up with partners who have similar tendencies.

I started out doing some cognitive behavioural therapy (because that was the approach of the online site I use) but in my case it has become apparent that approach is not the best for me at this point in time. My therapist says that with issues stemming from childhood she often finds CBT is not the most effective in the early stages, simply because so much digging has to be done. We have for now switched away from the CBT platform. Not saying it won't be right for you, just reporting my own experience.

I am currently reading "The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin Lee Cori. It was recommended by my therapist and is pinging bells in my head every time I read more.

[escapingman]

Looking at it without trying to brush it off, STBX and my mother behaves very similar in some ways but not at all in others. Both are extremely good at complaining and pointing out all the faults on other people. Both are extremely set in their routines and would not do anything outside of them unless they have to. My mother would do the same holiday 20 years in a row, now she has a new man and he has introduced new holidays which she happily take part in. Same old birthday rituals, she has had the same birthday party for as long as I can remember. I can see why I never felt she was that damaging to me as I was just left to my own devices, I always thought that was great as I could do whatever I likes. If got into trouble she never told me off or set boundaries, but if I had put a cushion in the wrong end of the sofa all hell would break lose. I was never and is not her supply, but if I interfere with her "life" I would be punished. I rather stay as far away from it as I possible can.

[Preamble]

I think that is called Emotional Neglect

[Pepin]

Bang! I just got the last piece in the jigsaw and it explains everything. My mother is a covert narc. How have I not seen it before? I was/am her golden child.


Edit: I need to dig further on this but I think I am more the invisible child than the golden child.

This is interesting.  I am always fascinated to learn about a-ha moments like this.  I've had several a-ha moments of my own with the PDs in my life but I struggle with wondering *when* my husband will have an a-ha moment of his own with regards to his mother.    

I realized years ago that she was a CN and I was devastated at that discovery.  My husband is the hero/GC of the family - ONLY when he was/is available.  He moved away for many years and was more or less INVISIBLE except for his weekly calls with his mother, i.e. the family was fine without him fixing/doing stuff. 

Having moved closer to CN MIL many years ago was indeed the biggest mistake EVER.  Absolutely EVER.  She managed to get DH back in line as her personal subordinate and he didn't even blink.  As our kids grew older, CN MIL's grasp grew stronger on DH and I wasn't sure if I was really married to him anymore! 

Long story short, CN MIL passed away this year and therefore DH has all this time on his hands -- that he hadn't had for a very long time.  I often wonder, what must he be thinking?  This void of CN MIL drama and demands is no more.  No one treated him the way she did and no one does!  How can he not see what she did to him in relation to how others treat him?  I just don't know.  It's like he only saw her through a very narrow lense.....and the destruction she caused at her death -- how can he not see it?  Or maybe he has and doesn't know how to verbalize it.....or is worried that I will say, yeah, I've known all along.   

A ha moments have many layers and can be quite unsettling to deal with.  The fact that you put 2 and 2 together is commendable in my eyes and definitely on a path to greater healing.   

[JustKathy]

Edit: I need to dig further on this but I think I am more the invisible child than the golden child.

Maybe I can offer some insight, just based on my own family dynamic.

In my family there was no mistaking that my brother was the golden child. He was the last born and the only boy. From birth, he was given the most attention, was given the most toys, and was allowed to get away with things my sister and I would be punished for. As he got older my Nmother paid for private schools, private tutors, acting lessons, skating lessons... anything that would make him "special" and give her bragging rights. He was also gifted with cars, college tuition, an apartment, and pretty much anything he needed to live a comfortable life. They continued to provide for him well into adulthood even though he had a high-paying job. At holiday gatherings Nmother would brag about his accomplishments while refusing to acknowledge anything my sister and I were doing with our lives.

My sister (the middle child) was the invisible child. She was quietly ignored and always did as she was told. As children, we rarely played together, and rarely spent time together. She was usually off in a corner reading, studying, or otherwise spending time alone. She never had any friends and never went out and had fun. Her emotional needs were not met. She was treated like a piece of furniture that was occupying space in our house. My parents paid for her college, but she had to study the major they chose for her, and pursue the career they chose for her. As an adult, she lived near my parents and jumped when they called, like some kind of servant. She was very resentful of our GC bro because she was being controlled by our parents, while he was living his life and would only visit when he needed money, which they continued to give him whenever he asked for it.

I was the scapegoat. Pretty short story on that one. Abused terribly until I went NC.

In later years my sibling's roles were reversed. My brother married a narc who clashed with my Nmother. Mother then removed him as the GC and gave that position to my invisible sister. From what I understand this is fairly common. They'll often change up the roles to suit their needs.

I'm not trying to make this about me, but my siblings and I were exactly what is described when I read about assigned roles by narc parents, so maybe that can help you figure out which role you're in. I would say that if you're not being doted on and praised constantly that you're probably the invisible child.

[monamurre]

I feel the same way! I've had a difficult relationship with my mother for...ever. I've always felt that something was really off about her but nothing I read quite captured her behavior. Until a therapist casually mentioned that she might have BPD. I started reading more about BPD, particularly the different ways it presents and within a day I felt like my world flipped upside down (in a good way). It all made perfect sense! What I was reading about was described my mother so exactly that it even captured this phrase I used to describe her thinking 20 years ago, "its you and me against the world!" I felt so strangely elated to have the clarity! Now to detangle myself from this mess.

[SonofThunder]

Lightbulb moments can be really tough to process.

From what I have read, though, children of narcs (while still in the FOG) often end up with partners who have similar tendencies.

Fjelstads wonderful book on caretaking describes this, and it is my experience. 

Escapingman, im SO glad you are having this awakening about your FOO and how you were normalized in your young experiences in the house of a narc(s. 

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/normalizing

EM, it also then should open up how you became a perfectly suitable person for your stbx, as she silently recognized the caretaker traits of you, and lovebombed you into a marriage covenant and then put the locks on that covenant with your two wonderful children and a variety of big responsibilities.  In order for you to break the hosting supply of her disorder, you would have to break a legal covenant, split up a family and throw a boulder in the road of your financial asset building. 

All very well planned by the needy PD parasite traits that feed off a suitable host. So....if we had these a-ha moments a long time ago, we probably would not have been the caretaker-trait host type, and the PD (and us too) would have not chosen each other.  We were only a compatible host-mate BECAUSE we were in the FOG.  When we came out much later, we became incompatible. We would have been incompatible when dating, should we have had our a-ha's earlier than dating a PD.

I think its a very wonderful thing to realize who we became, and how.  It also let me know I am on the long and steady good path to unlearn it all, but realize i am vulnerable in this process.  SO glad for you in your continuing education.  Its NOT YOU that causes you to be in the situation you are in, but that you have finally become a bad host for the PD parasite traits.  Therefore you are now beginning your journey to become THE REAL YOU!  Painful yes, but better now than never!

May you, and both your children (in time EM), enjoy the real emerging you!

SoT

[feralcat]

Hi EM. I'm definitely the invisible child. I realised that as soon as I found articles about the roles in dysfunctional families. My mother has recently agreed that she didn't want a child that quickly (eldest of 7, arrived 10 months after marriage, pre contraceptive pill ( I did query why they had so many when she/they could have tried not to ,  especially as it destroyed their relationship, but of course it's never down to her....always someone's fault) ).
It must have been hard . But presumably most parents don't take it out on the child. I was even sent away every summer from the age of 12, even to people she didn't know. As a form of respite ...for her ! Luckily nothing bad happened, and to be honest those breaks became oasis' of reality in my usual desert of disassociated drifting.

I have taken one of Richard Grannons courses. To do with pulling out your inner child. He says that when a child gets to feel really unsafe, he/she in effect hides , putting an 'avatar' out in public - one that is designed to be the least threatening to the abuser.
I think it's not only that the abuser themselves want to act as though the invisible child doesn't exist in any noticeable way, but that the child themselves ends up wanting to hide. To avoid the consequences of reawakening the persecutor.

And of course the faaamily (the Borg) then, in their own battle to win any crumbs of affection going , then copy. And settle into the roles allocated. Hoping that one day they'll be the GC. Which does happen. I've seen it. The children of BPD parents are only valuable as far as they're useful. When a GC retreats from the expectations/moves away/dies, then the next most helpful becomes the GC.
I think, as with the role of SG (if self aware) that invisible children are the most likely to see the dysfunction. And go to therapy ,break away, get a chance at mental healthiness. Because we were never in the Borg.

Which in the past I personally found horrible, and inexplicable. Why was I never included, what had I done ?? And I've grieved it. But now I'm glad. Being a Borg member isn't really a prize, it's a red hot mess that destroys people in the long run.