Very confused about undiagnosed covert husband who wants to be punished

[AlisonWonder]

Hi everyone
I think I may need your opinions.  I've been with my husband for 20 years.  He started out seeming like a borderline, and now either he has got through it, or I have learned not to trigger him, I'm not sure.  But that seems gone and the next layer down seems to be covert narcissism.  He complains constantly and blames every one for everything, and is "unresponsible" eg does not lock doors, walk the dog if I break my ankle, keep in touch with friends or family.  I stopped being intimate with him because his behaviour became disturbing and gross and zero interest in fixing it on his part.  I can almost handle all of that.  But as I withdrew it became obvious that he is really wants to be punished, abused, and humiliated.  He's never been able to receive a present or card without being nasty, he dislikes my cooking, never wants to be touched in any way, hates compliments.  If I say something nice, he says "why don't you just  tell me I'm a retard"  and if I say "ok. I think you are a retard" he brightens up.  He's wired up backwards.

That is not what this is about.

I have discovered that as long as I am mean to him, never smile, never say thank you, never ask about anything, spend almost no time near him, and make it plain I am taking zero interest when he talks, he behaves quite well.  He seems to relax, starts to help around the house, becomes more considerate, and stops the complaining as soon as i rebuke him sharply.  I think it relieves his "floating guilt" somehow.

What is worrying me is, what will behaving like  this do to me, long term?  I knew someone once who "cured" her husband of "narcissism" with a similar response to this, and it seemed to me, as I was then,  that she became hurtful and scary after a few years.  Will it still harm me, if it isn't what I personally prefer to do?  Is it ok as long as I don't pretend or tell lies? Will it become a habit I can't break with other people?  Or is it, in fact, something I have needed all along?  I didn't like having a compulsive  "sh*t eating" smile, and that seems to have vanished.  It is a relief to me, I felt like I had a mask glued to my face.  No wonder he was attracted to me!  He is so similar to my mother!

Do you think this is harmful to him, or to me? 

Thank you for reading.

PS  My children, and his children,  all live some way away and are in their 30s.
PPS  His mother (last parent)  died about 3 years ago so he is bang on time for some kind of meltdown.  Mine (last parent) died early last year.

[notrightinthehead]

Maybe I misunderstood you, it sounds to me as if you have found a way that makes both of you happy? And you worry that you might treat everyone like that in future? Is that how you were in the past? One treatment for all? I bet you treated your friends differently than shop assistants or medical professionals. I bet you have a variety of behaviours to choose from and you often pick the appropriate, polite and kind one for the situation.

[AlisonWonder]

Maybe I misunderstood you, it sounds to me as if you have found a way that makes both of you happy? And you worry that you might treat everyone like that in future? Is that how you were in the past? One treatment for all? I bet you treated your friends differently than shop assistants or medical professionals. I bet you have a variety of behaviours to choose from and you often pick the appropriate, polite and kind one for the situation.

Thank you Notrightinthehead.  Your posts and replies are always worth reading.  I don't think it makes either of us happy, but I think it brings both of us a kind of peace. 

Your question is a good one, I think perhaps I did have one treatment for all in the past.  I have always been very controlled, except when my mask slipped and something bad and totally unexpected and unowned came out and hurt other people.  I'd love to think I am becoming more real, but I am so wary of being manipulated into a position of some kind.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi there

No idea if I have anything helpful. You did say he complains constantly and blames others.

So I guess it depends if you are OK with living like this. Living with someone who complains constantly would wear me down. But that's me.

I dunno...

People do adjust and learn how to not trigger their mate. Doesn't mean it's good long term.

Sounds like you are worried about the longer term too. People sometimes disconnect from their mate and let go of the expectations they had for that relationship. Only you can know if this is a letting go of something you no longer want, or if this is a way of letting go of expectations because you've given up hope that he can be there for you in a more caring way.

Trees

[square]

Is he trying to set you up as a shrew and himself the henpecked husband?

Or is he so suspicious of compliments and positive feedback that he feels threatened, like someone is setting him up for humiliation?

How do his parents, especially his mother, treat him? And how does he respond?

[AlisonWonder]

Treesgrowslowly thank you I think that's very insightful.  Yes I definitely want out and have given up on let go of the relationship.  Now I'm curious to see what happens next.   Being around him sucks the life out of me so I avoid him as much as I can and when together I try not to engage.

Here is the video I have been watching, it's been very helpful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27KNDVy87hw

I think I was going in the right general direction but that it's not best to react to him at all as it will bite me later. 

Hi there

No idea if I have anything helpful. You did say he complains constantly and blames others.

So I guess it depends if you are OK with living like this. Living with someone who complains constantly would wear me down. But that's me.

I dunno...

People do adjust and learn how to not trigger their mate. Doesn't mean it's good long term.

Sounds like you are worried about the longer term too. People sometimes disconnect from their mate and let go of the expectations they had for that relationship. Only you can know if this is a letting go of something you no longer want, or if this is a way of letting go of expectations because you've given up hope that he can be there for you in a more caring way.

Trees

[AlisonWonder]

square, thank you, it sounds like you know.  Yes definitely, presenting as victim is his pattern.  I'm not sure about compliments setting him up for humiliation, it could be that compliments seem like they will undercut his self-sufficiency as in "your opinion is worthless peasant" .   Which would set him up for humiliation......yes maybe.  But it's important to understand, he doesn't seem to feel any of this.  His body language shows things but he seems genuinely unaware of his feelings.  No inner life.  Uses "word salad" when he speaks. 

His mother seemed grandiose a lot of the time.  He says she snapped a lot.  Supported the family while the father drank and raged. 
The father (I presume it was him) alienated him from his mother but he doesn't know it.  I've always felt that he was trying to maneuvre me into imitating his mother.  His go-to response was passive aggression and, as a teenager,  arguments.

All four of our parents are dead, and we are approaching retirement age.  It's hard to describe to someone younger. 

Is he trying to set you up as a shrew and himself the henpecked husband?

Or is he so suspicious of compliments and positive feedback that he feels threatened, like someone is setting him up for humiliation?

How do his parents, especially his mother, treat him? And how does he respond?