Working on acceptance

[velvet_scarecrow]

A year and a half ago, I caught my wife in a lie.  I lie that she still has not answered to.  This time, unlike the other times, I stood my ground.  I only accused her of what I saw.  I have only ever accused her of what I saw.  But it was enough to rile her anger, her disgust.  She threatened to leave me.  She cannot deal with my insecurities.  She "grieved" our marriage.

The real kicker is when she asked me "What have I ever done to make you not trust me?"

That is when the flood started.  All at once.  Nothing to hold on to.  I thought I was drowning.  Suddenly, all the years of lies that were swept under the rug, all the weird interactions, the gut reactions that I dismissed.  The mocking, the subtle put downs, the cycle of emotional withdrawals.  It all came at me at once.  I was dazed.  I vomited all over her listing the seemingly endless list of prior transgressions.  The stoic, never-tears man who had been the "rock" in an incredibly emotion household now blubbering like a wounded child.  I couldn't stop it.  I cried everyday for almost a year.  It was surreal.  I felt pathetic.

Either I was crazy as she suggested, or I was betrayed over and over.  Betrayed while I smiled and churned on and tried to keep her love.  Humiliated.

I have been in therapy since then.  It was my first therapist that finally snapped and said "She is gaslighting you!".  I didn't understand.  She was reluctant to say it for some time.  She only knew my story, but at that point she heard enough.  I told my wife that I would no longer discuss our relationship unless we did it with a marriage counselor.  I believed she simply did not have the skill set to actually resolve anything.  Maybe I was explaining my position wrong.  Maybe if we had some help to dig through it all.  What I knew is that our arguments were going no where.

It was a gottfried type counselor.  We met with her together, then separately.  My meeting was after my wife already had her one on one with the counselor.  It was about 5-10 minutes in to my session that she asked me, "Do you know what borderline personality disorder is?"

"Yes, of course." I responded. "My eldest step-child has it."  That was an interesting conversation.  I was numb.  I nodded along, but still was unable to accept.  Conversation then moved to "Letting go." and "She will do it again" and "You must not tell her".  We followed that with several sessions with both of us.  It was crazy making.  Counselor was following the normal methods of reconciliation with the hidden agenda that I was playing along.  But I wasn't.  I wanted resolution!  There was no way that was going to happen.  I wasn't on the same page.  Instead, the sessions became a tool to allow my wife ammunition of what I was not doing.  What I was supposed to be doing.  But what I was NOT allowed to discuss - was my hurt.  That was off the table.  The plan was to play along, but I was not accepting that plan.

So, that ended.  It faded away.  We just stopped going and said nothing else about it.  I found a new personal therapist, and it is helping.  Slowly, but I see the change in me.  The fear I once had of hurting her, of riling her up, is gone.  I am moving closer to just not caring.

I cannot accept the lies.   I cannot accept the fact that I know she is still lying.  I cannot accept that the lies were almost exclusively about her interactions with men.  I cannot accept that she blames me for her lying.  I cannot accept that what that means to me, what the lies suggest... constant, repeated betrayal.  Right in front of my eyes.

The dating website, the condom wrapper in her vehicle, the secrecy, the emotion withdrawal, the constant texting, the disappearances, the seduction with men while I am present, the stains, the apparent semen on her clothes and face.  No, no, certainly she wouldn't do that to me.  Certainly she wouldn't be that brazen, that cruel.  I am her soul-mate, the love of her life, her everything.  Certainly I am crazy, or insecure.  It had to be me!  Or else... I am humiliated.  Crushed.  Chumped.

Now, for the last 8 months, she is an angel.  No longer chewing me out about everything.  No longer getting upset about things that would always put her in a spin.  I no longer comfort her when she is whining, complaining, or anxious.  I am done with that part.  No longer ignoring things that are important to me.  Well-behaved, mild-mannered wife.  I know this routine, and I am not buying  it.

I think one of her daughters knows the truth.  That is cruel.  I think an old co-worker knows the truth.  She tried to tell me years ago.  I am sure of it.  I have reached out to her, but I do not have the strength to ask.  I have enough reason to leave.  I have one reason to stay - to protect my son.   I am stuck wanting something tangible.  Something that I can no longer talk myself out of.  It is a painful loop.

[velvet_scarecrow]

user,
Thank you for your kindness.  I have thought about your words and considering the work that I have already been doing, it seems obvious now that I am still waiting to be told what to do.  I do not trust myself.  That is clear.  "You already known the answer." is what all 2 therapists and 2 marriage counselors have said to me over the last year and a half.  I already knew the answer when I was unwittingly practicing betrayal blindness.  If I saw something I could not make excuses for, then I would have to act.  That is what I have been afraid of.  Having to make a choice that affects many lives that I love and protect, but doubting my ability to make the right choice.  I know where the doubt originates from, and I can see how it was exacerbated during my marriage.

I believe what you said about her inability to actually change.  I have seen it.   My older brother (NPD), my eldest stepchild (BPD), my wife (suspected BPD)... head meet wall.  Even my own ADHD, it never goes away, I just learned how to navigate around it.  Learning to trust myself seems the most direct path in realizing what I want and need.  Thank you.

[Helpless-in-seattle]

Velvet scarecrow

I am also terrified of having to make a decision and of making the wrong one. I wish my BPDH would do it for me.

Each choice is shit. Stay and get shat on and possibly do emotional damage to my kid, leave and deal with the fallout from that (including financial). My mum left my dad when I was little and although I dont remember much my life was easier when they were together. After she left my dad we were broke and she had a string of abusive relationships. She now says she regrets leaving my dad. So I guess I have that fear too, turning out like my mother. Ag

[notrightinthehead]

Just want to add my welcome! I am so glad you join us on our path of healing.  And as Helpless in Seattle describes so well - if we don't heal, we almost certainly will just repeat the pattern of abuse with the next relationship, and the next, and the next. Because we have learned to tolerate abuse and close our eyes to the truths that are too hurtful for us to see.
There is a book I found very helpful "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Fjelstad because it addresses our own contribution to the situation. and our own contribution is what we have control over and can change. I am also glad that you have found therapists who get it!  You are not alone. See you around on the boards.