Perfectly timed medical crisis with narc mom

[Iris1022]

Hi all,

I feel bad even having these thoughts/feelings but I can't really express them anywhere else but here. I am now just days away from giving birth and having to deal with yet another medical crisis with my narc mother. (As an added note, she's been completely unsupportive throughout this entire year of my pregnancy. Pretty much the silent treatment with no interest whatsoever in the pregnancy, other than to comment that the pregnancy is "odd" and "bizarre" because I'm on the older end of the spectrum.)

Here's the medical issue...She's currently hospitalized for a severe UTI/kidney infection. She lives 2000 miles away from me and has kicked most people out of her life so the only "support" she has is a friend who lives nearby, a sister who lives several states away, and me. Clearly I can't fly to her rescue given that I could go into labor at any second, so I'm having to "manage" the whole situation remotely.  First of all, I'm suspicious about how this UTI developed into something so serious in the first place; I suspect her behaviors are to blame. She treats her body like complete rubbish. She's diabetic and won't take her meds properly, nor will she eat properly. (For instance, she will not eat all day then eat candy all night, routinely.) She refuses doctor's orders and likes to play games; she giggles and enjoys it when she gets scolded by medical professionals and others who tell her she needs to be doing X,Y,Z for her health. She also wallows around the house most days so her hygiene is not the best. All things considered, I'm sure she contributed to this situation. Something that could have been caught and addressed early on has become a severe problem requiring hospitalization. (Perhaps she did it on purpose to manufacture a crisis and get attention? I know that's a cruel accusation but I have to wonder.) Her sister even told me that mom's blood sugar has been out of control for weeks and that she has outright refused to go to the doctor or take steps to resolve it.

Anyway, so here we are. She's in the hospital getting treatment and is not able to think clearly due to her infection and the medications she's being given. She had turned in notice to quit her job this week, so now it is up to me to make sure those logistics are addressed (insurance coverage, etc.). She won't talk to me on the phone (even though she expects me to take care of everything) so I'm trying to piece together information from her friend to manage everything. It is a true hot, steaming pile of poo that I am having to sort through. Her life is always a hot mess - she just can't be a responsible adult, ever. She is like an overgrown teen living alone, all the while moaning and groaning about how her only daughter (me) is ungrateful and abandoned her and won't take care of her.

I had given up on having a supportive, "typical" mother around for my pregnancy/birth long ago. But I was ok with the silent treatment and lack of engagement. But now I have to deal with all of this drama in the midst of my last days of pregnancy. It took me over a decade to even get pregnant in the first place due to severe infertility issues, and now I'm finally about to give birth and I'm in the midst of yet another one of mom's messes that probably could have been avoided if she was a reasonable, responsible person. It was clear that she had no interest in being present for the birth of the baby from the beginning, but now she has a convenient excuse. I can just hear her talking about this for years to come, "I would have come and helped but I was SOOO sick and ALONNNEEEE."

I 100% understand that I can't fix my mother or the general "situation" of her being a narc and a hot mess who demands attention. I try to focus on controling how I react to such situations. Usually I'm good with distancing myself but when crises arise, it is harder. Why can't I just deliver my baby in peace? Ughhhhh....

Ok, vent over - thanks for reading if you made it this far!

[moglow]

I'm going to be that person today:  Is there some particular reason she can't manage her own insurance etc issues since she resigned?? You know, do like a normal person and go through her HR office or whoever needs to address those items, instead of demanding that you do it all sight unseen?

Iris, you have your own stuff to deal with right now and it's not going to magically disappear overnight. You don't NEED her pile of poo, now even less than ever. Plus you don't want or need her "help" after DB arrives, I'm imagining it would be yet another big ole mess on top of everything else. Let her speak it however and wherever she does, not.your.stuff. Lets just go with, she's not invited anyway. 

Let's try to refocus on the things you CAN do something about - your body [within reason], your new baby and the new life your building!! Her stuff? Meh, surely she can manage from 2000 miles away while you do the same for your own.

[Srcyu]

I would definitely say that she has manufactured this crisis. Based on what you said about blood sugars and stuff.
She's heading for a whole load of future health issues as you will already know.

Right now you should be 'nesting' and not raising your blood pressure dealing with rubbish from her direction.

One option would be to tell the friend that you are going to be unavailable for the foreseeable future.

[Iris1022]

I'm going to be that person today:  Is there some particular reason she can't manage her own insurance etc issues since she resigned?? You know, do like a normal person and go through her HR office or whoever needs to address those items, instead of demanding that you do it all sight unseen?

Iris, you have your own stuff to deal with right now and it's not going to magically disappear overnight. You don't NEED her pile of poo, now even less than ever. Plus you don't want or need her "help" after DB arrives, I'm imagining it would be yet another big ole mess on top of everything else. Let her speak it however and wherever she does, not.your.stuff. Lets just go with, she's not invited anyway. 

Let's try to refocus on the things you CAN do something about - your body [within reason], your new baby and the new life your building!! Her stuff? Meh, surely she can manage from 2000 miles away while you do the same for your own.

I fully agree with you that she's a grown woman who should be able to manage her professional and logistical affairs. The only reason I'm stepping in to help with the insurance situation is because as luck would have it, this wonderful crisis coincides with what is supposed to be her last day of work and she is too drugged up to think rationally or have conversations with her HR department about anything. Selfishly, I want to make sure she doesn't have a lapse in insurance while in the midst of a lengthy (and expensive!) hospital stay because we all know who those bills would go to if the sh*t hits the fan. (That's right -me!) Lovely mess of poo, isn't it?

And thanks - I do need to just let it go. I was ultra angry about everything yesterday so I sat with that for a while and let it process, and today I'm feeling better. It is a sh*t situation, no doubt, but not one of my doing.

[Iris1022]

I would definitely say that she has manufactured this crisis. Based on what you said about blood sugars and stuff.
She's heading for a whole load of future health issues as you will already know.

I had a conversation with my aunt (her sister) earlier today who confirmed what I suspected all along. Evidently she's been showing symptoms of a UTI for a month but refused to go to the doctor or do anything to get it taken care of. Mix in her unhealthy living habits, and bam - massive infection. I mean, did she think it would magically go away on its own?? Apparently she told my aunt about how she would "slip on the stairs" often as a result of feeling bad from the UTI she refused to get cared for.  She probably enjoyed the attention. "Look at what a sad, helpless waif I am..." It's as though she worked hard to make herself as sick as possible.

Now her negligence and bad choices are causing drama for everyone around her. I definitely do not have the bandwidth for this right now, nor will I carve it out!

[moglow]

If you're lucky, the HR dept will tell you they have to go through her, there are forms to sign and questions only she can answer, etc. After all, you're just a voice on the phone, could be anyone for all they know ... 

[Sneezy]

Just a week ago, before she turned in her resignation, your mother was working.  That is enough evidence for me to think that she *can* take care of herself.  It appears that she is choosing to be helpless and expecting you to suddenly care for her.  Do you think she is jealous that you are about to have someone else to care for?  Is she thinking that she needs to rope you in right now so that you continue to care for her?  In other words, is she turning this into a competition between herself and your new baby over who you give your attention to?

Well, regardless of your mother's motives, they don't matter.  I don't mean to sound uncaring, but it's time to drop the rope.  Your mother isn't going to change.  And there is nothing more important for you right now than the mental and physical health of you and your child.  Your mother is going to have to fend for herself for a bit, maybe for the next 18+ years.  Sorry, but her lifetime of bad choices do not trump your new baby's needs or your own needs.

Please take it from me - you need to set boundaries now without feeling guilty about it.  Your mother is in a safe place.  Once the meds kick in and do their job, she will be fine.  Well, maybe not fine the way you and I would define it, but fine enough.  The hospital surely has social workers that can help your mother get adjusted.  They will also have people who can help with insurance issues, etc.  This is not on you.  If you take on the responsibility of caring for your mother now, her problems will be your problems for many years to come.  And again, please take it from me - that is not what you want.

It has taken me a long time to realize this (ok, I'm not 100% there yet) - we can love and care for our parents without taking on the things that they should be responsible for.  I am not responsible for soothing my mother's off-the-charts anxiety.  You are not responsible for monitoring your mother's blood sugar or hygiene.  Every person, every one of us, has issues and problems we need to deal with, and it is profoundly unfair to assume that our children will just deal with the hard stuff so we can sit back and be catered to and entertained and have every problem fixed.

Sorry to go on for so long.  As you can probably tell, I wish I could go back in time and give my 30-year old self a little talking to about managing parental expectations 

[looloo]

Hoping to reassure you with the following:
Your mother is right where she needs to be right now.  Whatever HR/insurance issues there are, or that might arise, can be hers to deal with once she's lucid.  Thinking about it a little more, your mother might get some sort of reprieve if she and HR can't finalize everything because of her sudden medical emergency.

Any medical bills are NOT your responsibility.  Not at all.  It doesn't sound like you're an actual agent for your mother, are you?  Even if you were her medical/financial POA, it wouldn't matter.  You're just panicked right now.  One person's medical bills are not dumped on next of kin like that, for no reason.  If she owes any $, it'll be on her, no matter what.

Please take care of yourself and focus on your health and your life.  YOU are building something, whereas your mother is being purely destructive.

[Iris1022]

Any medical bills are NOT your responsibility.  Not at all.  It doesn't sound like you're an actual agent for your mother, are you?  Even if you were her medical/financial POA, it wouldn't matter.  You're just panicked right now.  One person's medical bills are not dumped on next of kin like that, for no reason.  If she owes any $, it'll be on her, no matter what.

Correct, her bills are her bills, but I can hear it now. "I can't afford this...you have a good job so why can't you pay my bills since I raised you," blah blah blah. I don't want to go there if I can avoid it!

[Iris1022]

Just a week ago, before she turned in her resignation, your mother was working.  That is enough evidence for me to think that she *can* take care of herself.  It appears that she is choosing to be helpless and expecting you to suddenly care for her.  Do you think she is jealous that you are about to have someone else to care for?  Is she thinking that she needs to rope you in right now so that you continue to care for her?  In other words, is she turning this into a competition between herself and your new baby over who you give your attention to?

Oh she's choosing to be helpless, alright. Normal adults don't let their problems balloon up like this. And the timing is interesting - all of this has come to a head right when my baby is due. She couldn't have planned it better, could she? I'm sure she can't stand the thought of me prioritizing myself and my new baby over her, but that's how it has to be. My own health should take priority right now so that I can deliver this tiny human into the world, and clearly the tiny helpless human that arrives will (rightfully) need all of my attention! The grown woman who can and should take care of herself will have to figure things out on her own.

As far as I'm concerned, her sister and friend can shoulder this drama. She still has them in her grips and they just pity her. I'm pretty sure she's smeared me to her friend but I really don't care.

[Iris1022]

And thank you all for being supportive and making me feel validated. So often I get the "well she's your mother so you should take care of her no matter what" line.

She's made her bad choices and her life messes are not mine to clean up!

[moglow]

They can feel sorry for her - I'm sure on some level we all wish things were different. I'm not completely unsympathetic with mommie dearest, that kind of chaos and confusion has to be exhausting. BUT they did bring it on themselves by the way they've chosen to treat everyone around them.

[Duck]

I am also suspicious of the timing. My PD dad tends to go off the rails right when other people, especially my mother, might get attention. Holidays, mother's birthday, etc. It just coincidentally happens that he is in crisis or causing a crisis.

[p123]

Yeh deffo planned I reckon. Wants to show you that shes ill before you focus on the baby....

My Dad does this as well. Whenever I go on holiday he'll be "ill" a few days before. Yeh right.
Once I phoned him from Florida (Im from the UK so 8 hour flight away) and told me he'd been "really ill but not to worry about me and try to have a good time". Was not impressed with that one because I knew there was nothing wrong.... Heard it all before thought I worried for about 0.5 seconds then took my kids to Disneyworld.

[Iris1022]

Oh yes, their timing is always perfect, isn't it? I hate the "I'm really ill but don't worry about me" bit.

You know, you have to laugh that they all seem to pull from the same ridiculous playbook!

[Iguanagos]

I pop in here rarely these days, but just wanted to say that it is ridiculous for her to expect involvement from you when you are days away from giving birth yourself.

If I can just encourage you, like a good friend would, to focus on you and your precious new baby. You are not the only person in the world who can deal with your mother.  Her one friend and her sister are closer to her and not in the process of giving birth either. If she has no one else in her life, that is not your problem to solve.

Your primary obligation now is to the family you are creating, especially this new little one. Don't feel one bit guilty about putting your own new family first, as it should be.

[Pepin]

Lots of great advice here already.  I agree that you drop the ball and let her clean up her own mess, after all, she is a grown up.  She probably can't stand it that your attention will be diverted from her and has manufactured this medical crisis!  Don't play her game.  You don't owe her anything for raising you other than a thank you. 

[Iris1022]

Lots of great advice here already.  I agree that you drop the ball and let her clean up her own mess, after all, she is a grown up.  She probably can't stand it that your attention will be diverted from her and has manufactured this medical crisis!  Don't play her game.  You don't owe her anything for raising you other than a thank you.

Yes! The way I see it, she has more or less thrown herself down a flight of stairs to keep all attention on her. I agree - she made the mess, and she can deal with it. Thanks for the support and validation!

[Iris1022]

I pop in here rarely these days, but just wanted to say that it is ridiculous for her to expect involvement from you when you are days away from giving birth yourself.

If I can just encourage you, like a good friend would, to focus on you and your precious new baby. You are not the only person in the world who can deal with your mother.  Her one friend and her sister are closer to her and not in the process of giving birth either. If she has no one else in her life, that is not your problem to solve.

Your primary obligation now is to the family you are creating, especially this new little one. Don't feel one bit guilty about putting your own new family first, as it should be.

It's hard to keep the guilt (and general FOG) from creeping in, especially when others (in laws, for instance) don't grasp what's going on here. In their eyes, this is just an ill-timed medical issue that my poor mom is having to face all on her own. They cannot grasp that she brought this on herself, likely purposefully, to fill her narc supply.

Whatever - I cannot and will not burden myself with it. My soon-to-be-born baby (and my own health) needs to take priority right now. Thanks for the insight!