Struggling With Mother's Hoovering

[littlelimabean]

It has been just a mere few days until I realized my mother has been abusive towards me. From the age of fourteen until now, I raised her. I did the house management. I took care of her and my disabled sibling medically along with my two other siblings. I took care of my mother emotionally. She is extremely coercive. She tries to control how I think, what I wear, who I talk to, where I go on the internet, etc. I always knew our relationship was off, but I never knew what it was. Ever since I found this out, my life has been flipped upside down.

The cycle I called out since I was fourteen to thirteen years old (I called it "the cycle", but it is the love bombing to abuse cycle) used to be over a few months to weeks. Now, it is happening multiple times A DAY. I am so confused with all of it. The first time I tried to keep my distance, my mother called me over and expressed more love she had for me in 6 months. She grabbed my face and told me loves me and that she doesn't say she's proud enough. Then, the same day or the next day, she told me I am cold. She told me that she doesn't understand why I talk to her different. Usually, this would break my heart and I would bend over backwards; however, I realized she says the same thing when I am trying my best or when I am not.

It has been like this for the past few days. it hasn't even been a week yet. On top of that, I am leaving for college in about 2 weeks. I have been raising my mother for the last eight years. I believe she is freaking out. She is trying to scare and guilt me out of it.

MY GOD! It is so bad. When she love bombs me, I forget everything she did because I love my mother. Like, I am the middle of a good period, and I am questioning myself. Did she really mean it? Did she really abuse me? When I know she did! I know it!

She left me on my own to do my schooling. I homeschooled myself with no teachers or classmates from sixth grade to 12th grade. Most times, when I don't step up to cook, we don't eat. When it is too stressful for her, she runs away or stays in bed. She projects everything onto me. She shows her true colors when I try to ask her to change.

However, with this hoovering, love bombing, apologizing, etc., It is like my memory goes wonky. I have to deal with this atrocious rapid cycle that is taking such a toll on my body for two weeks. I lost 6 pounds in mere days. I can't go anywhere as we are isolated right now. I am trying my best to deal with it. I am trying my best to avoid her. I am doing meditation, yoga, prayers, exercise, etc.

I AM LOSING MY MIND!!! I am trying to hold on to my little bread crumbs of sanity to not to be sucked in again, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. As a person that raised her family, that is saying something.

Also, I have been ignoring her and I noticed she hasn't been flipping out. She has been eerily calm and nice for a day now. It is scaring the living shit out of me.

I wrote this for venting reasons and for some advice. It is so hard guys. I don't know what to do. Also, if it helps, I am the eldest daughter and I am twenty-two. I am living in an entirely different country than where my potential college is and I have no family in this country. I am going back, but in two weeks. I am stranded, but I could try to leave the house more.

[littlelimabean]

I didn't realize how long this was. Thank you for reading. If you got to the end, you are an angel!

[bloomie]

Hi littlelimabean - I read every single word! I am thankful you reached out and at the same time so sorry for all of the undue pressure you are under.

I want to work backwards a bit with what you shared in your post.. if I understand correctly you have two more weeks before you leave the nest and head to college and you are kinda stuck in the same home with your mom and all of her manipulative, upsetting tactics. Something I have learned to look for in a situation like you describe is to look for a way of escape! Get out of whatever conversation, etc.. some suggestions:
go for a looong walk
go to a coffee shop and sit and read and write and hang out
take your journal and go sit outside if possible as far away as you can get
take a picnic and eat at a park
go sit in a the quiet of a church or museum

It is going to take a bit of time to deconstruct some of the things you believe that may not actually be true. And that may start with the belief that if you don't make food for the entire family they will not eat. I wonder... what will they do when you leave for college? Are your sibs old enough to figure out how to make a sandwich or heat some soup? (rhetorical question - there's no need to answer that unless you want to)

On some very primitive level you may be fighting for your own life right now from the bit you share with us here. You are poised to become unavailable to your mother as a surrogate co parent and caretaker of her and your family. A role you never agreed to that has been foisted on you.

It is time to separate and individuate which is a natural and healthy progression into adulthood. You have human rights to leave and pursue your own dreams and future. It may feel near impossible, but feelings are not facts and you have positioned yourself to gain independence and distance from a mother whose needs seem more than you should, could, ought to try and handle alone.

The toolbox above is a place where you can identify certain behaviors you are encountering with your mother and read about them and then see the do/don't for that behavior. Make good use of the toolbox and all of the resources found all over this community. Immerse yourself in vids and books and the threads here and begin to let a counter narrative to the one you have been exposed to all of your life saturate your thinking and let the light begin to shine on your experiences so that you can begin to truly heal.

Keep coming back and sharing. Don't apologize for your posts! We are here to support you and listen and encourage you! What it sounds like you have experienced is long term parentification and emotional manipulation that has limited your life unfairly. I am so sorry, but so thankful you are making headway to empowerment and freedom.

Just a bit of personal perspective... my own mother sounds an awful lot like your mother... it took me many years to understand that my own mother was mentally ill, chronically depressed, addicted to prescription drugs, and unable to truly love others due to her many complex issues. When it was my moment to take wings and fly into my own life her behaviors became even more intense and manipulative including many suicide threats. All of which were far above my ability to know how to handle and needed to be handled by trained professionals. It was a time of intense revelation and emotional detachment and it was a journey I needed support to make. I am glad you are here and hope you have support in real life from a trusted adult, pastor, family member, counselor or friend.

Hugs to you!

[bloomie]

Let me also say this to you....

You have shown a tremendous amount of love, sacrifice, generosity, kindness, loyalty and all around goodness to your family. You can hold in your heart the knowledge that you have done the very best you know how under very difficult circumstances for many years. And the investments you have made in your siblings and family life will bear fruit in their lives and has offered stability and nurturing that is a miracle in so many ways. You are one impressive young adult, filled with honor and strength. You will go out into the fullness of your life and do great and wonderful things! Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way!!!! Cheering you on and honoring the life you have led thus far!!

[Cat of the Canals]

Welcome to the forum! I was pretty deep in the FOG during childhood. I knew something was wrong with my relationship with my mother, but I thought the problem was me. It was only when I was your age and about to leave for college that I started getting an inkling that something was off with her. I think that was the first full discard cycle I went through. I went from being some form of golden child to the "all bad" child. Even the most innocuous comments from me would send her into a rage. I think the fact that I was finally going to be an independent adult was so threatening to her that she let the mask finally slip completely. It was still over a decade before I actually put it all together.

So the first thing I'll say is: kudos for being way ahead of the curve. I think that bodes well for the future.

Second, take bloomie's advice, and get out of the house as often as possible. Limit the amount of abuse she can throw at you.

Third, the fact that she has been responding well to you "ignoring" her sounds like perhaps you're using Grey Rock and Medium Chill tactics successfully. I'd consult the toolbox (one of the headings at the top of the screen) to get a full understanding of what these two things mean, how they work, the best way to employ them. They really are invaluable tools for disarming abusive behavior.

Fourth, and this is perhaps the most important: stay vigilant for attempts by your mother to sabotage your going away to school. I was somewhat protected from this possibility because above all, my mother cares about appearances. If I hadn't gone to college, she would have been mortified, and that outweighed the fact that she was losing her control over me. It sounds like your mother has far more to gain by trying to keep you at home. That might mean she'll engineer some kind of "family emergency" to either keep you from leaving or to try to get you to come back once you're out of the house. Don't fall for it. She's parentified you for far too long already. It's time you start taking care of YOU before anyone else. Like bloomie said, you are fighting for your own life right now.

Stay strong and good luck.

[littlelimabean]

Hi littlelimabean - I read every single word! I am thankful you reached out and at the same time so sorry for all of the undue pressure you are under.

I want to work backwards a bit with what you shared in your post.. if I understand correctly you have two more weeks before you leave the nest and head to college and you are kinda stuck in the same home with your mom and all of her manipulative, upsetting tactics. Something I have learned to look for in a situation like you describe is to look for a way of escape! Get out of whatever conversation, etc.. some suggestions:
go for a looong walk
go to a coffee shop and sit and read and write and hang out
take your journal and go sit outside if possible as far away as you can get
take a picnic and eat at a park
go sit in a the quiet of a church or museum

It is going to take a bit of time to deconstruct some of the things you believe that may not actually be true. And that may start with the belief that if you don't make food for the entire family they will not eat. I wonder... what will they do when you leave for college? Are your sibs old enough to figure out how to make a sandwich or heat some soup? (rhetorical question - there's no need to answer that unless you want to)

On some very primitive level you may be fighting for your own life right now from the bit you share with us here. You are poised to become unavailable to your mother as a surrogate co parent and caretaker of her and your family. A role you never agreed to that has been foisted on you.

It is time to separate and individuate which is a natural and healthy progression into adulthood. You have human rights to leave and pursue your own dreams and future. It may feel near impossible, but feelings are not facts and you have positioned yourself to gain independence and distance from a mother whose needs seem more than you should, could, ought to try and handle alone.

The toolbox above is a place where you can identify certain behaviors you are encountering with your mother and read about them and then see the do/don't for that behavior. Make good use of the toolbox and all of the resources found all over this community. Immerse yourself in vids and books and the threads here and begin to let a counter narrative to the one you have been exposed to all of your life saturate your thinking and let the light begin to shine on your experiences so that you can begin to truly heal.

Keep coming back and sharing. Don't apologize for your posts! We are here to support you and listen and encourage you! What it sounds like you have experienced is long term parentification and emotional manipulation that has limited your life unfairly. I am so sorry, but so thankful you are making headway to empowerment and freedom.

Just a bit of personal perspective... my own mother sounds an awful lot like your mother... it took me many years to understand that my own mother was mentally ill, chronically depressed, addicted to prescription drugs, and unable to truly love others due to her many complex issues. When it was my moment to take wings and fly into my own life her behaviors became even more intense and manipulative including many suicide threats. All of which were far above my ability to know how to handle and needed to be handled by trained professionals. It was a time of intense revelation and emotional detachment and it was a journey I needed support to make. I am glad you are here and hope you have support in real life from a trusted adult, pastor, family member, counselor or friend.

Hugs to you!

Thank you so much for the message. I will definitely do that. I went out to the mall and walked around. It was the first time I did something like that and followed through.

Buuuuut, I broke because of extreme pain due to stress and read my mother a handwritten letter.

I told her a respectful flowery version of what I told you. I did because I still love her to death. I thought maybe she would change.

However, my stress skyrocketed along with my pain. Now, I am going to the hospital. She tried to point it at me saying, "I am sorry what I tried to do wasn't enough for you."

When I cut her short because I thought I was going to die, she left. She is giving me the silent treatment.

However, she is still being nice and I am beginning to doubt myself. She is apologizing again. Saying that she needs to repent to God. I am forgetting  everything again. It feels like I am punishing her.

Also, I can't be around her anymore. I feel sick around her.

I know she is the way she is.

[littlelimabean]

Let me also say this to you....

You have shown a tremendous amount of love, sacrifice, generosity, kindness, loyalty and all around goodness to your family. You can hold in your heart the knowledge that you have done the very best you know how under very difficult circumstances for many years. And the investments you have made in your siblings and family life will bear fruit in their lives and has offered stability and nurturing that is a miracle in so many ways. You are one impressive young adult, filled with honor and strength. You will go out into the fullness of your life and do great and wonderful things! Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way!!!! Cheering you on and honoring the life you have led thus far!!

I have tears in my eyes. I will try my best! I will try my very best to do that.

I am just so scared of becoming my mother. I keep on telling myself, "I don't want to so I won't."

However, I tend to forget everything in regards to myself because the present is so taxing. So your kind words mean a great deal to me. I am getting my extended family's support.

I pray I last until Nov 12. That's when I am bouncing lol.

[littlelimabean]

Welcome to the forum! I was pretty deep in the FOG during childhood. I knew something was wrong with my relationship with my mother, but I thought the problem was me. It was only when I was your age and about to leave for college that I started getting an inkling that something was off with her. I think that was the first full discard cycle I went through. I went from being some form of golden child to the "all bad" child. Even the most innocuous comments from me would send her into a rage. I think the fact that I was finally going to be an independent adult was so threatening to her that she let the mask finally slip completely. It was still over a decade before I actually put it all together.

So the first thing I'll say is: kudos for being way ahead of the curve. I think that bodes well for the future.

Second, take bloomie's advice, and get out of the house as often as possible. Limit the amount of abuse she can throw at you.

Third, the fact that she has been responding well to you "ignoring" her sounds like perhaps you're using Grey Rock and Medium Chill tactics successfully. I'd consult the toolbox (one of the headings at the top of the screen) to get a full understanding of what these two things mean, how they work, the best way to employ them. They really are invaluable tools for disarming abusive behavior.

Fourth, and this is perhaps the most important: stay vigilant for attempts by your mother to sabotage your going away to school. I was somewhat protected from this possibility because above all, my mother cares about appearances. If I hadn't gone to college, she would have been mortified, and that outweighed the fact that she was losing her control over me. It sounds like your mother has far more to gain by trying to keep you at home. That might mean she'll engineer some kind of "family emergency" to either keep you from leaving or to try to get you to come back once you're out of the house. Don't fall for it. She's parentified you for far too long already. It's time you start taking care of YOU before anyone else. Like bloomie said, you are fighting for your own life right now.

Stay strong and good luck.

Thank you. I am so shocked with how similar our stories are. I feel like I am reading myself most of the time. It makes me feel less alone and less crazy. I am grateful for that.

I was parentified...

Damn, my mother is going after my BRAIN. I can't even think right anymore. I will just limit my interactions with her. It makes me so sick being around her.