Just a thank you…

[The Butterfly Effect]

I'm wanting to thank the Out of the FOG community and it's members for being here, 24/7, 365 days of the year and at the touch of a button, I can find much needed support.

I've been reading the back stories and posts in the library and I relate to so so many of you.  The traits of a toxic mother are extraordinary and those of you who have bravely posted your experiences, you are helping me circumnavigate the myriad of emotions I am feeling and working through.

I'm coming up 15 months of silent treatment from my uNPDm which morphed into NC and ultimately her discardment - this after protecting myself from her toxicity, resentment and manipulation and holding a mirror up to her inexcusable behaviour, words and actions that I've endured all my life.

No doubt there has been a smear campaign as there has been complete radio silence from my enabling passive Father who knows full well my Mothers wrath & from my siblings who remain in the FOG.

I'm sadly struggling atm and my mental/physical health is suffering but I also know I'm just needing to defragment a congested mind triggered by the simplest of notions and work on compartmentalising her toxic words, scathing tone and theatrics.

I 'was' the SG. I'm now the Escape Goat. I'm down but I'm not out. 

Peace to y'all 

PS: Uplifting music/songs helps lift my mood and cranking up the volume to "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera is my choice song atm. The words take some beating:

" I never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I realized your game
I heard you're goin' 'round playin' the victim now
But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave...

...Makes me that much stronger,
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter"   

[littlelimabean]

Thank you for posting this. I found this site in a hurry after all the emotions started to seep in after the shock.

I wish the best for you. It really is a sad beautiful thing to have a community like this. Sad because no one should have to deal with it. Beautiful because we aren't alone.

The song that's helping me is Black Out Days future island remix!

[bloomie]

The Butterfly Effect - count me in as another person who is grateful for the community of people who are courageous enough to believe and work toward health and a stable, more peace filled life. Even if that means going through the deep pain of having to let go of relationships with our once closest loved ones. Because we have grown to require decency and mutual respect in our close intimate relationships.

You have escaped! And in time, the fragmented pieces will come together into a tapestry of beauty and wholeness!

Music is also a way to uplift and express my current situation... Step Off by Kacey Musgraves is a lot of fun!

So thankful you found this community and that it has been a help to you! Keep coming back!

[moglow]

TBE - what if this discard took place many years ago and you're just now seeing it for what it is? I read your post and I see myself and mine in many ways - the limitless toxicity. As you said "resentment and manipulation and holding a mirror up to her inexcusable behaviour, words and actions that I've endured all my life." I don't doubt for a moment she didn't appreciate that mirror, that perhaps she even saw it for what it truly is and resented it all the more because YOU see it now. Mine doubled down when I turned the mirror on her, sounds like yours may have done the same.

I've had some hard dips accepting my mother's silence/absence, then I go back and look at what our communications had been like for years before. It wasn't pretty, any of it really. It was vile and vicious and demeaning. An abyss of negativity and spite. Sometimes I still have to work at that, to see it for what it was, how little it fed while so much taken away. In my case so much of her family is gone that there's no one to divide anymore. She's shown herself to anyone who may have [and likely did] protect and excuse her behavior. Sick as it sounds on the surface, I'm kinda glad she outed herself one last time to my one remaining brother who had defended her for so many years. He's been very hurt by that but there's some vindication that her divide and conquer finally failed. Her smear campaign appears to have finally fallen flat. Your siblings may well be going along to get along, thinking to somehow change things.

Being the escape goat is an acquired taste, one well worth your time. Stand tall and take a deep breath of that fresh free air! Remember how hard you've worked for this!

[The Butterfly Effect]

Thank you for posting this. I found this site in a hurry after all the emotions started to seep in after the shock.

I wish the best for you. It really is a sad beautiful thing to have a community like this. Sad because no one should have to deal with it. Beautiful because we aren't alone.

The song that's helping me is Black Out Days future island remix!

I really like that concept of beautifully sad. I often feel so isolated with my thoughts and experiences. Finding resources has been invaluable for my mental health and acceptance of my circumstances. It's an emotional roller coaster. I wish you well on your very own journey. I'll take a listen to your song choice too. I may just make up a play list for one of these days 

[The Butterfly Effect]

The Butterfly Effect - count me in as another person who is grateful for the community of people who are courageous enough to believe and work toward health and a stable, more peace filled life. Even if that means going through the deep pain of having to let go of relationships with our once closest loved ones. Because we have grown to require decency and mutual respect in our close intimate relationships.

You have escaped! And in time, the fragmented pieces will come together into a tapestry of beauty and wholeness!

Music is also a way to uplift and express my current situation... Step Off by Kacey Musgraves is a lot of fun!

So thankful you found this community and that it has been a help to you! Keep coming back!

Thank you Bloomie. Acceptance has been and still is to a degree, a very difficult road to follow.  Having escaped any further toxicity, I no longer have to put my mental and emotional health on the line, filled with gut wrenching anxiety and preemptive steadiness. Recovery and building resilience is ongoing but it's ok. I'm doing fine. Some days I'm the fly, other times the windshield. I'll have a listen to your song. Music is therapy!

[The Butterfly Effect]

TBE - what if this discard took place many years ago and you're just now seeing it for what it is? I read your post and I see myself and mine in many ways - the limitless toxicity. As you said "resentment and manipulation and holding a mirror up to her inexcusable behaviour, words and actions that I've endured all my life." I don't doubt for a moment she didn't appreciate that mirror, that perhaps she even saw it for what it truly is and resented it all the more because YOU see it now. Mine doubled down when I turned the mirror on her, sounds like yours may have done the same.

I've had some hard dips accepting my mother's silence/absence, then I go back and look at what our communications had been like for years before. It wasn't pretty, any of it really. It was vile and vicious and demeaning. An abyss of negativity and spite. Sometimes I still have to work at that, to see it for what it was, how little it fed while so much taken away. In my case so much of her family is gone that there's no one to divide anymore. She's shown herself to anyone who may have [and likely did] protect and excuse her behavior. Sick as it sounds on the surface, I'm kinda glad she outed herself one last time to my one remaining brother who had defended her for so many years. He's been very hurt by that but there's some vindication that her divide and conquer finally failed. Her smear campaign appears to have finally fallen flat. Your siblings may well be going along to get along, thinking to somehow change things.

Being the escape goat is an acquired taste, one well worth your time. Stand tall and take a deep breath of that fresh free air! Remember how hard you've worked for this!

Reading your reply makes complete sense. Thank you so much for your candidness Moglow.  I don't think I could've explained it any clearer.

Yes, I believe the discard has been many many years in the making. I was up to my neck in FOG and made many allowances for her when I really shouldn't have.  Nobody gets to address her behaviour. Nobody! This is why she feels the power of Queen B/matriarch and the skewed entitlement this gives her.  I simply had reached my breaking point after years of baiting, gas lighting, lies, silent abuse and manipulation among other disordered behaviour. Enough was enough. I'm no longer afraid. I'm no longer compliant. And I'm no longer a reluctant participant to the games she played.  I'm free 

[Liketheducks]

I love the "escape goat".  I was the GC discarded and turned SG when I did the boundary thing.   Setting and needing those boundaries helped me to escape so much toxicity that I didn't realize what was there.

Well done.  Thank you too.

[moglow]

I was up to my neck in FOG and made many allowances for her when I really shouldn't have.  Nobody gets to address her behaviour. Nobody! This is why she feels the power of Queen B/matriarch and the skewed entitlement this gives her.

Also me. I'd been force fed "but she's your mother" all my life and I thought that gave special privileges. She'd full on laugh while reciting "do as I say not as I do" to any and everyone around her. Try to address [mis]behavior by defending yourself even, and you got full force of her rage. Most unpleasant relationship to have or try to maintain, and finally - why? What was the point of it all?