Still Expecting Sympathy from a Narcissist

[countrygirl]

Hi,

When I first posted on Out of the FOG, I had two especially difficult friends.  I finally ended the friendship with the more difficult one, but am still trying with the other one. 

This friend expects me to talk with her at a time which suits her.  I know that about her, and don't like it, but I generally try to oblige.  However, this morning I was really having a hard time--it was a real ----- cluster of a morning, and I needed a friend.  So I called her, at a reasonable hour of the morning.  She lives alone, doesn't have a relationship, has no pets, doesn't even have a plant, her time is her own. But she has to keep to her schedule.  After only a few minutes, she said she was going to take a shower.  I asked her to call me back when she had a chance.  Several hours later, she texted she was going on a walk and would text me afterwards.

Another friend with whom I spoke later, said,  "You NEVER call her in the morning, so she knew from that alone that you needed to talk."   This is true, and the way that she made NO time for me was really hurtful, even though I HAD expected it.  Why do I feel surprised by behavior which I expect?     

Now, she expect me to be available to talk with her during the "time slot" that she has reserved for me, and I don't feel like talking with her.   She just texted me to see if I felt like talking during this time, and I said I would call her if I did.  I'm not calling.

There is no way I can discuss this behavior with her.  If I raise any issue I am having, and do so gently, she immediately becomes defensive and flares into anger.

She does have good characteristics, including being very smart and well-informed.  She is interesting to talk with, but I don't think her heart is very large.

Trying to get empathy from a narcissist is like trying to get blood from a stone, but I keep trying.  The only answer is to stop, or to accept that this person has no real capacity for friendship.  The funny thing is that she expects me to provide support to her, which I do.  But it's not actually "Funny" or surprising, because taking instead of giving is another narcissistic trait.  I just wish I didn't feel hurt when I'm treated this way!

[Catothecat]

I've been in your shoes many, many times, countrygirl!  I keep having expectations because that's just me being me.  I'm not them.  And I get disappointed even though I know better.  But I think my major confusion comes from wondering why they even want me in their life if all they really want is supply?  How is someone nourished in a one-sided relationship?  Or is the supply all the nourishment they need, or think they need, same as someone who is spending out of control, constantly buying things in order to fill their life while wrecking it at the same time?

I've given until I just had to give up and walk away.  Some narc relationships I've managed to keep going but with minimal contact, they've become casual friends rather than genuine ones.  But others were way more difficult to manage because the narc was skilled at pretending empathy.  I would see glimpses now and again, as they chose to show it, knowing the effect it would have on me.  But when I started feeling I was being used, which seemed would always come when dealing with that level of narcissism, that was the moment I chose to walk away. 

[Amy-Rose]

I had a very similar situation and she had me in tears frequently. Not just by her hurtful behaviour, but by how I'd give my time and energy and she'd give me none back.  I started to feel like she was taking advantage. I have zero advice for you because this is your thing and you can do as you please, but what do you get out of this friendship? Is it worth your time and effort?

I had a friend who I think had narc traits, in fact you were kind enough to answer that question on her behaviour.

Her sister, who she rarely saw and didn't seem that bothered with when she was alive, died suddenly. She puts it about that she "took her own life" but there's no evidence for that as she was a heavy drinker and drug taker. When her sister died, I'd only known this friend for a month and she just showed up on my door step, in tears.
I gave up three days being with her at MY home. Feeding her, making her coffee, helping her with her animals. She claimed she has loads of friends, so where were they? Why weren't they pulling their weight as well?

My closet friend then died from suicide and five hours later, my uncle from co-vid, who I was extremely close to. I was in a total mess. I found my friend dead from a drug over dose. There were paramedics asking me questions, police wanting statements. I fainted from shock. Had a panic attack. My narc friend saw all this as she'd come out to see what all the cars and noise were about. She made not one motion to comfort me. Nor did she shed a tear over the "good friend and neighbour" who she'd used for 15 years (she'd go round just to use her internet every so often).
She knew my uncle had died 5 hours later and I'd spent the whole night up the hospital watching him die.

The next morning she came round my home. I thought to check on me, support me.

But no. She didn't show any interest in me. Or any concern that I looked like death warmed up as I'd had no sleep in 48 hours.
She just started telling me how hard her life was and how much she suffered. Then after an hour of this...left.

She never once showed interest again. Never once asked me if I was ok. Asked when my uncle's funeral was, which was two days after my friends.

And at our friends funeral, which she attended, she seemed more interested in catching an old friend of hers and chatting and getting her hands on a picture (my friend was an artist) that she'd been eyeing up from the beginning of the day. I helped clean out my friends flat and so did the Narc. She basically bagged what she wanted and did nothing else to help. She went to her dead sisters, bagged what she wanted and left the neighbours to sort the rest.

I was so upset by how she treated me. Nothing got any better. It was all about her pain and her life. What I could do for her. I could never really forgive her. We'd both suffered losses and we should have pulled each other through it, but no. I was her prop and that was it.
One of my other friends suggested she could have something like autism and find emotions difficult to handle. I have a friend with autism, he'd NEVER behave like that. That's beyond the limitations people with autism can suffer with. They do struggle, but they aren't cruel.

I shared that with you so you could see you're not alone in being dismissed my a "friend".
If I were in your shoes, I'd just back away. Have no time for her phone calls and focus on any good friends who have.

All the best to you.

[countrygirl]

Hi Catothecat,

Thank you for your reply.  That is a good way to put it:  That expecting a normal response is "just you being you."  I am going to tell myself that in these situations and stop beating myself up.  Considering my FOO, I've done okay.  There's more work to be done, certainly, but that's really the case with most people, one way or another.

As to why N's need us, I think that they are still people and that in some cases they do like us, but they really don't know how to be a good friend; it's just not in them.  The particular N I wrote about would tell you that she DOES treat me well.  I don't think most of these people are aware that they are N's, because this awareness of being less than perfect would be devastating to an N.   

What you say about N's who are good at pretending empathy applies in this situation.  She's also very good at knowing how to step right up to the line, and then to step back.  For example, yesterday, after I posted here, she persisted in texting and calling.  I finally did speak to her, and then she sounded very concerned about me.  But I knew that this was her doing what she knew to do in order to maintain the friendship.  She never really gives of herself.  It's not that I expect or require special treatment, either; I'm just talking about normal give and take. 

It feels as if I'm still working my way through this one, so I'm sure I'll be posting more.  Thank you so much for your reply; it's very helpful to "talk" with someone who knows what I'm experiencing.  A good friend who really protects himself from such people is very supportive of me, but does remind me that he can't really relate, because he would never have formed a friendship with this person.  He knows that he had especially good parents, so he is not susceptible to N's.   

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy-Rose,

I hope you see this reply, because as I was writing to Catothecat, your reply came in.

I am so sorry to hear about your closest friend's suicide and then the death of your uncle.  Too much to cope with at one time.  And your N friend was a huge disappointment.  I can relate to that situation too, although I have to say that what you suffered was just unbelievable, and I think if you'd approached someone on the street and told them about it, you would have received more sympathy than what your "friend" showed you.  When my father died, my "best friend" since third grade was NOT there for me.  She did know she'd hurt me, and did apologize, but I have never felt the same about her since. 

In reading your description of what you went through and of how you were treated, I was thinking of that quotation:  "Life is a tragedy for those who feel."   There is a lot of truth to that.  But think how much richer your life has been, even though you've suffered great loss, than that of your friend, who reminds me of some sort of scavenger of the dead.   

Thank you for sharing your story, and thank you for reaching out to me today.  It shows that your heart is still functioning normally.   

[Amy-Rose]

I've seen your reply and thank you. Some people and how they behave just shock and infiuriate you don't they.

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy-Rose,

Glad; you saw the reply.  When someone dies and our friends aren't there for us, we really see who they are. 

Yes, I am still shocked and infuriated by bad behavior.  Especially when you're treated the other person well. 

As I mentioned earlier, I did move on from the more difficult friend.  One thing which made me see that I had to was that she started to talk about moving to a place I may move to, and I imagined being in this relationship for the rest of my life.  (She was really just looking for someone to latch onto ; it didn't even have that much to do with me in particular.)  The person I wrote about today isn't nearly as difficult, but she has really "shocked and infuriated" me a number of times, and I wish I would stop having such big reactions.  It's not as if it's anything new!  It's too bad, because she's an interesting person; but she isn't interested in changing her behavior, and I'm not okay with it. 

[Amy-Rose]

I hear you on that one. It's often the "interesting" ones that hook us. I find Psychology very fascinating and these types of people can be interesting to study...until it takes a turn for the worse.

BIG reactions to obvious behaviour is another thing I relate too. You know they'll disappoint you, you know they're unreliable, you know they are selfish to the core, have no real conscience and will use you. So why do we keep being upset by them? Why does it get to us. I've had other friends with a few red flags and I've just dumped and moved on. But moving on from the Narc like person was extremely hard, it felt like a bereavement...like a horrible, unhealthy addiction to someone who just caused pain and upset - but she'd slim her way back in somehow. Incapable of change. She'd do something, the slightest thing and I'd be awake 36 hours venting in my head to myself. She often affected my sleep! She got to me so, so much, yet no one else seemed bothered by her behaviour. No one else seemed to really care. Was it just me she treated that way? Who knows.
I felt isolated and alone. No one seemed to see how toxic she was. None of her other friends saw they were being used and thought she was great. I began to feel alone. Like I was the problem, not her. I was just being over sensitive. But no one got the reactions out of me she did, NO ONE. It's literally done my head in. And no one seems to understand. I think of her more than she does me. I'm sitting here pulling her apart trying to understand her confusing behaviour while she's off living her life. It really sucks!

I just wish I had some advice for you because I haven't gotten over the addiction of these sorts of people yet. I haven't found the cure for their behaviour or a method for dealing with it.

What bothered me most is I'm not a clingy person or one dependent on other people - never have been. I live alone by choice and don't need a man for anything. Yet she was one of these people who was always going away for weeks. Every month, sometimes twice a month as she had all these friends all over the country and used them for free mini holidays. None got to stay with her. And she'd always be so reluctant to tell you where she was going or who she was seeing. Every time she went away it literally drove me crazy. I'd feel jealousy she was spending time with other people. Anxious because she was gone. Eagerly waiting for her to come back and the longer she was away the more crazy I began to feel. Angry even that she'd gone. And the relief when she came back! Then the anger as days and weeks would go by and she couldn't contact or even let me know she was back...until it suited her and she wanted something.  That was just not normal behaviour for me.

My parents go away - I don't feel like that. My boyfriend used to go away and I didn't feel like that. No one had affected me like she had EVER.

That's why I had to make a clean break. So I waited for her next "discard" Three months of silence for no obvious reason other than she didn't need me for anything. Then she started her usual way of worming back into my life. Showing up on my doorstep out of the blue with a bag of free DVD's for me. Pics of her animals and how much they were missing me. Boxes of chocolates (ones she'd gotten of someone else) and all sweetness and smiles. This time I casually refused the offerings. And no matter how much I missed the animals and wanted to see them I refused all her attempts and letting me see them just to worm her way back in. I honestly felt, she thought she had me because of my attachment to her pets - that she could get me back easily because of them. I had to be strong and realise this friendship was tearing me apart.

Wow, never really shared that with anyone before. I was too embarrassed before. My point of sharing this, I'm hoping, is to make you see you're worth better than however she treats you. The fact we react shows we have a heart that is hurt by selfish, cold actions.

Maybe this friend doesn't need to be cut. But distancing yourself from toxic people can be hard to start with but it's so refreshing once you've cut the chord. I haven't felt happier or freer in months. I have a few real friends and my parents and I feel so much better. Now I don't even notice when she's home or not. I barely think of her anymore.

That's why I see now it wasn't me. It was what she was doing to my head. I wish I had better advice for you. I wish I could offer you a solution to being hurt by hurtful people. I can't really think of anything but to hope some of my experiences help you and give you validation because maybe you relate to some of it and don't feel so alone and feel heard by someone. That meant the most to me. People here making me feel HEARD and not like I was being the crazy one.

My narc friend promised to mend her ways and never did; I wasn't ok with that either and telling her about how she treated me got me NOWHERE. It's a waste of breath. Live for you. Limit contact for her. Use her back for what you enjoy. If she's good for a party invite her. If she's not so good at caring for your feelings call others when you feel down.

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy-Rose,

Wow!  Thank you so much for sharing with me.  You are an intense person, who feels things deeply.  So when you really like someone and they hurt you, you do have a big reaction.  This is how I am.  And of all my friends, including the really difficult one I dropped, this friend has affected me most deeply. 

Regarding you friend's other friends:  They probably weren't as upset by her behavior; they probably didn't like her as much to begin with, so weren't as bothered by her N behaviors.   

You are correct to suggest that I reach out to others when I need to talk.   I did just that the other day, with a couple of people, who were supportive.  But I still felt hurt by this friend's reaction, which is why I posted here.  I am still working my way through this one.  I understand what is going on with her, and understanding that has helped me, but I haven't broken away yet.  I suspect I will get there, though.  Sometimes I move at glacial speed.

Thank you again for your amazing post.  You did a masterful job of describing your reaction to your friend.  I'm glad "the story" ended with you realizing that you had to stay away from her.