Mom's poor decisions coming to a head...

[Iris1022]

...and I'm getting the brunt of it.

I'm in the midst of an awful situation involving N-Mom. I gave birth a little over two weeks ago via C-section, so I am home recovering and taking care of a newborn around the clock and trying to reap the joy of it all. In the meantime, N-Mom is hospitalized with a grave health situation on the other side of the country and everything is a mess. First off, she really doesn't have anyone to care for her because of choices she's made during her life. She has one local friend who is doing everything and one close friend from out of state who flew in for a few days. I've asked Mom repeatedly over the years to move closer to family but she's always refused because she "doesn't want to deal" with said family members. Everyone is beneath her until it's time for them to serve her, I suppose.

Second, nothing about her affairs is in order. Her bills are a mess, her insurance is a mess (because she just quit her job right before getting sick). The friend who is caring for her keeps sending everything my way to deal with. It is all so exhausting. I'm completely overwhelmed with trying to recover from my own surgery while caring for a newborn around the clock, and every minute of down time I get seems to be consumed by phone calls related to my Mom's care. Everytime I lay down to try to nap, the phone rings and it is either the hospital, her friend, or the case worker. And from what I hear, Mom isn't making things easy for anyone. She's refusing to eat or drink, she's nasty to the nurses and physical therapists who try to help her, etc.

Ugh - I'm so angry about all of this. I want to be able to focus on my new baby and not get sucked into Mom's chaos. I feel bad for her that she's this sick and more or less alone but she's made her bed with the way she's treated others over the years. She has also abused her body for so long that a catastrophic illness was inevitable. She's always lived an extremely unhealthy lifestyle and refused doctors' orders and now here we are but of course I feel terrible for thinking this way.

There's also the cruelty in how this was all communicated to me. I was still in the hospital after giving birth to my miracle baby and Mom called me in the wee hours of the morning. (Note - she has never really called me unless she has bad news to report. I've always been expected to call her, not the other way around.) She abruptly told me that she was in the hospital and shared her grave diagnosis, then said in a stone cold voice that I will never forget, "Sorry to rain on your parade." I'm sure she hates me because I can't drop everything and fly to her rescue.

I've accepted that this is what it is and I'm trying to just get through it while focusing on the joy of my FOC and new baby as much as possible, but it is hard not to get caught up in how wretched this is. It's like all the layers and years of dysfunction have all collided in one major explosion. I wish I had normal parents. This is pure Hell.

[Psuedonym]

Hello Iris1022!

That is awful and I'm so sorry that you're having all this stress thrown on you when you're trying to focus on your new baby. You are in the US, right? I believe that in any state a hospital is required to have a case worker to deal with just this type of situation; somebody who can't make decisions or take care of themselves. I would advise you ASAP to tell the hospital they need to get that case worker on it. That's what they're there for!

[moglow]

It IS wretched and painful and aggravating and so damned inconsiderate all the way around! To expect you to somehow wrangle all this at a distance, and NOW?? Due solely and entirely to her complete lack of planning or foresight, assuming that of course you will naturally just handle it all for her. Well guess what? You can't. Even if you didn't have a brand new baby and recovery from the birth, that's a ton of stuff for you to somehow take on. So she doesn't want to deal with others? What about you not wanting to deal with her and her chaos, is that not the same thing??

Don't get me wrong, I'm not entirely heartless. I can see how she magically thought "this" would never happen and she'd never be alone and how someone would somehow fix it all for her and to her endless satisfaction. I get it - mine is unfortunately much the same, right on down to seemingly confused that no one is around anymore. It's not realistic but it's how they got where they are. That tiny bubble that is their world didn't allow for anything better. It's sad, but it's still not yours to fix.

Thoughts right off the top of my head - do what you can where you can. Know what is and isnt yours, what you can and can't do, and lay down whatever is not. If you commit to handling certain things, do that to the best of your ability. Don't be shy about saying, I can't do that or I can't even promise that. I'm here with a brand new baby and my own recovery, and I cannot and will not be there anytime in the foreseeable future. I would imagine the hospital has patient or elder care advocates there to help with those very things. If not, they may be able to refer her to similar resources within her community. Being nasty to people isn't going to be conducive to getting her life back to any semblance of normal, and dumping it on you certainly won't. IF that's even a remote possibility in and of itself. She may well have landed herself where she's in need of more care in general - again, not yours to provide.

[Iris1022]

Hello Iris1022!

That is awful and I'm so sorry that you're having all this stress thrown on you when you're trying to focus on your new baby. You are in the US, right? I believe that in any state a hospital is required to have a case worker to deal with just this type of situation; somebody who can't make decisions or take care of themselves. I would advise you ASAP to tell the hospital they need to get that case worker on it. That's what they're there for!

Thanks! Yes, I'm in the US, and there is a case worker assigned. They're not doing much, unfortunately!

[Iris1022]

It IS wretched and painful and aggravating and so damned inconsiderate all the way around! To expect you to somehow wrangle all this at a distance, and NOW?? Due solely and entirely to her complete lack of planning or foresight, assuming that of course you will naturally just handle it all for her. Well guess what? You can't. Even if you didn't have a brand new baby and recovery from the birth, that's a ton of stuff for you to somehow take on. So she doesn't want to deal with others? What about you not wanting to deal with her and her chaos, is that not the same thing??

You hit the nail on the head. I think the only "plan" she's ever had is that I would swoop in and take care of everything if and when things went awry. The fact that I'm actually an independent human being with my own life (and children to take care of) throws a wrench in that "plan."

I like your advice about claiming what I can do from afar and laying the rest down. I'm all for handling logistics - setting up insurance coverage, paying bills to keep things from defaulting. But that's about all I can handle at this point. The rest will have to fall to someone else and I'm not going to stress about it.

[moglow]

Side note - mine is 84. I've been told that within the past year she cashed out a life insurance policy so she could pay down a couple of credit cards. Didn't pay them off or cut them up/stop using them, literally threw some money at them and kept rolling, while offering "loans" and gifting a variety of people. Because right then, that minute in time she was "flush." But a life insurance policy ... 

[Psuedonym]

Hey Iris1022,

Everything moglow said was on point...and if its any consolation, in my personal experience (and many other stories I've read here) I found that they become remarkably more resourceful, competent, and able the moment they realize that you are serious about not coming to swoop in and take care of everything.

[Liketheducks]

Iris1022, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this right now.   It is really ok to say No when you're overwhelmed.   It won't feel good and you may get some push back from her friends, but you have plenty on your plate.   It is ok for you to take the time to heal and bond with your miracle baby. Had a c-section myself.   It's major surgery.   It took a lot out of me.   For me, as a new parent, I was also reconciling what my small baby was entitled to from me as their parent.  It was a hard time emotionally, realizing that I didn't get that from my parents.   They may have loved me, but were ill equipped.     I maintain that the child is the one who can express some idea of entitlement from their parent....when the tables are turned it reads like utter parentification to me.

My mom had a  major health issue for similar reasons across country while I was in the midst of some major trauma at home with my FOC.   I knew I didn't have the mental or physical bandwidth for it.   I have two siblings, and I offered to pay to send them....but in the end.....they decided they couldn't go either.     I said no......I can't.   Took a LOT of flack from those close to her.   She also fed them a load of BS about the whys.   Won't lie.....had to block a couple on social media.   But they weren't friends of mine or close.   I also found the the case worker did nothing when she realized that my mom had family.   Though, when it was clear that the calvary wasn't coming with a magic wand.....she was able to sort out her own resources.   

I'm sorry you're here.   It sounds so familiar to me.    Take care of yourself and that precious baby.    It will be ok.   

[monamurre]

I'm so sorry all these events are colliding at the same time! Neither dealing with a PD parents aging or taking care of a newborn after a C-section is easy - both at once, shudder!

I'm just chiming in to agree with the posters who encouraged you to set firm boundaries and let the chips fall where they may with your mom. Your responsibility is to you and now to your child before your mother.  I am in a similar (albeit less dramatic situation) and am struggling with what role I will take in the last chapter of my mom's life. We got the news that she has terminal cancer a few months ago and its been a wild ride. Like your parent, my mother has made a lifetime of bad decisions that exacerbated the situation greatly. For example she has lived in the same community for 50 years but alienated most friends to the point where she has next to no one willing to even check in on her. It's so sad! This lack of a network and her very real health problem made my choice about what to do pretty challenging.

But, with some introspection I've reached a place where I feel comfortable just handling the limited number of logistical things that I can do from afar. For example she doesn't know how to use the internet so I manage a couple online bills for her and I will research and suggest local resources she can access for in-home care taking, rides, etc. I am very clear that I am not making those calls for her nor will I swoop in and take over if she chooses to ignore her needs and languish (that is her modus operandi). I can tell you it is not going well on her end. She is pissed off, non-functional and basically flailing. But, I am okay with that. I've done my part in a kind way and it is all I am willing to do. You don't get those first weeks/months with your newborn back, so take them! Your mom will find her way, even if it isn't what you would have wished for her, it is her own life to live.

Its the hardest, and probably most effective, meditation on accepting what you cannot change. I hope you can find some peace with it all.

[lkdrymom]

Please turn off your ringer when you need a nap.  Whatever it is can be dealt with when it is at  your convenience.