Maternal spite

[Srcyu]

Mother's mean and devious attitude knew no bounds. She was a leading light at the church running the Sunday school. It was very apparent that she understood other peoples children extremely well.
Which makes her lack of maternal kindness all the more breath taking. I remember her making a long sparkly snake for Sunday school. Something to do with Adam and Eve maybe. She knew that I liked it - I was five.
When she had used it for it's intended purpose, it disappeared.
My golden child older sister took great delight in telling me that mother had thrown the toy in the bin (trash) saying, ' I don't see why she should have it.' She meant me.
Deliberate spite towards her own youngest child - shocking. What did I, at a few years old, do to warrant that. Including the golden child in the act tightened the ring of malice surrounding me in that home.

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. So horrid.

Maybe you could make or get your own sparkly snake? I have often seen articles of jewellery in snake form. That might be a painful reminder, of course, rather than a comfort but I make the suggestion for what it's worth. I don't see why you shouldn't have your sparkly snake.

[xredshoesx]

i'm so sorry.

i experienced similar behavior with my own mother with my step-sister and her cousin and then with the children of her friends when i was older.  my mother liked to befriend 11-12 year olds and try to impress them.  ex- i wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced but she bought earrings for my stepsister and her cousin...... when we went on a family trip she only let my stepsister pick out outfits/ colors and then got a duplicate for me so we could 'twin'.....  and with her friends' children she would try to be the 'cool' adult and let them wear her rings, etc.  it hurts.

[Srcyu]

Thanks NarcKiddo,
You're right, my inner child should have a sparkly snake, I've been looking for a while.

[Srcyu]

Thank you xredshoesx,
It's the blatant negative attitude from them that stings. I was once compared to a friend of mine - how neat and smart she was - we were both ten, so the mothers' were responsible ......

We were taken the granted basically.

[escapingman]

STBX has always favoured one of the children and praised her for how great she is at everything she does, then at the same time pointing out that DD is useless and that it is because all her genes comes from my side of the family. I remember when their school reports came back last year STBX made a big song and dance about it and said that for every grade above average the kids would get a reward looking at GC. When we subsequently opened the reports and added up the grades, DD had more above average than GC. Needless to say there was no rewards given and the reports almost went in the bin.

[Srcyu]

escapingman
That's terrible behaviour. The blatant favouritism crops up everywhere. To issue no rewards because the results didn't suit her narrative sounds so typical. I can just imagine her annoyance that she had lost her excuse for favouring the chosen one.

[countrygirl]

Hi Windmill,

I can really relate to having a mother who was admired in public...   It was the same with my father.  They were both Ns.   

The pain of having a mother who doesn't treasure you is almost unbearable.  And then to see someone else favored, for no discernible reason.  In my case, both of my parents favored a male cousin over me.  When they aged, he had nothing to do with them.  My father would ask me, plaintively, for a decade, why I thought this cousin wasn't even calling him on the phone.  I couldn't bring myself to say,  "Because you're old. 

And a friend of mine has said that she was uncomfortable when we got together at my home, because my mother would always say to me,  "Why can't you be more like her?"  I think what she really mean was why wasn't I beautiful like my friend...  But she not only hurt me, but hurt my friend uncomfortable.

Thank goodness we can share our stories with each other, right?   So often during my life, when I have opened up about my parents, people haven't believed me!  Simply because they had really good public personas.  I usually remind people that Ted Bundy did too!  My mother's caretaker told me that her mother had said my mother was "a perfect lady."  I replied,  "It just shows you that if someone seems too perfect, maybe it's because they have something to hide."

[Srcyu]

Country girl,
They have so much to hide and boy do they know it!  Her spite was a family secret. 
It's typical that your parents favoured someone else's child.

Basically, they were low people. Low in maturity, low in kindness and low in reliability.
Yet here we are - good, thoughtful people despite everything.

[countrygirl]

Hi Windmill,

Yes, they were "low" people. 

It seems to me that people with cold, cruel parents sometimes turn out just as their parents did, or they are people who try to be kind--because they know what it's like to suffer.

[olivegirl]

Windmill,

I, too, am simply astonished at my parents' cruelty.  It's just so unnecessary.  I foolishly thought for so many years that if I loved more, I could change them.  I wasted a lot of time pining for loving, decent parents.

But I am so grateful that I am nothing like them. 

My only regret is the loss of my extended family and family friends and in-laws.

My parents smeared me endlessly to most of them; coupled with the fact that most relatives assume I am a covert narc like my mother and father.

I will say that my parents are so low that they enjoy that I have been cut off from most of my family members!

[countrygirl]

Hi Olivegirl,

Yes, it is upsetting to realize how much effort we put into trying to "get blood from a stone."  In my early thirties, I accepted that my mother would never change.  But I continued to try with my father.  That didn't work either!

And then the things they tell others, which keep them from liking us either.  Two weeks after my father's death, a relative told me f the lies he'd told her about all of the things he'd done for me!  The truth was the opposite; he'd tried to get things from me!  When I told the relative this, she said,  "Are you sure?" !!!!!  I should have said,  "Well, now that I think of it, you are right.  He did purchase a large house for me, but I chose to live in my dinky little apartment!  How did I forget that?  Thanks for reminding me!"   What I did say was to remind her that we exchanged Christmas cards each year, and that she was still sending them to my apt. and receiving them from the same address.   

I feel as if I could write a thousand pages, and still wouldn't have reached the end of these anecdotes.  Again, it's so good that the people here will believe you.  It's just unfortunate that they believe because they have dealt with such people too.   

[Srcyu]

Olivegirl,
You're right, it is totally unnecessary. I used to keep trying until she just went too far. I gave up and stopped contact.
Realising that other family members would jump down off the fence onto her side surprised me at first.
I've come to appreciate that my story echos those of others.