What does Out of the FOG mean to you?

[Spring Butterfly]

Here's what it means to me
Out of the FOG means we are not controlled by FOG - our ultimate goal is to face our Fear, ignore Obligation, overcome Guilt THEN we are Out of the FOG

[Srcyu]

Good question!
To me it means leaving behind the attempted gaslighting, the implication that we are at fault and dumping the negative narrative that we were forced to live with.  F - forced into a miserable existence.
                                                                                            O - object of blame and disdain.
                                                                                            G - grief for what we never had.

Leaving behind the terrible life we endured, re-directing the fault and blame and gratitude for seeing things clearly.

[Andeza]

To me it means having the revelation that people in my life were not mentally well, and that I needed to stop building my life in a way that catered to their needs or wants. That I had been living in fear of how they would react to my decisions, that I had been feeling the burden of familial obligation with no... healthy basis. Guilt was not a factor for me personally, but that's just me. So I stopped doing things that PD individuals wanted me to do, and started doing what I felt was best regardless of what they thought or said.

[SonofThunder]

Great question.

To make it short, i am no longer a straw-for-brains manipulated tool.  I am now the Scarecrow after my visit to OZ!!   

This site and wonderful comrades, great books, a lot of research and plenty of self-discovery revealed I had it in me the whole time, but some very crafty PD's over my entire lifetime thus far, needed me to think otherwise. 

#freedomtobeme
#thankswizards

SoT

[JustKeepTrying]

Like this thread - it means 

It also means that my life is not lived out of fear, obligation or guilt.  That I am living in the light and only living by my own truth - my authenticity.  I refuse to live my life out of fear or obligation or guilt.  I will not let the fog guide my actions.

I also use that fog to determine if the people in my life now are using fog to manipulate me.  If they are, I am better prepared to react.

[Happypants]

I think of it almost in a literal sense. To me it means not being blinded, blinkered or weighed down by a heavy, negative cloud of shame or judgement that belongs to someone else. The goal being not viewing myself through that cloud.

[NarcKiddo]

I, too, tend to think of it in a literal sense.

I still feel the fear, the obligation and the guilt. But I can at least see it now. The thick fog of it has cleared from all around me. The actual fear, obligation and guilt reactions which occur out of instinct may remain inside me forever. But if I can see what is going on I can think about my behaviour and reactions based on what is actually happening rather than hitting out at unseen things coming at me unexpectedly with no time to react rationally.

[Boat Babe]

Great thread!  For me, it means not having an emotional reaction to attempts to control/abuse me. Realistically this is never likely to be 100%, especially if it comes out of nowhere, but that's the aim. If my emotions aren't hijacked then I can make a cool, considered response to the situation and keep myself safe. Mostly I'm getting there. Hugs to all on this path to recovery.

[moglow]

Coming Out of the FOG for me is also more literal. It's being able to see exactly what I've been dealing with and how best to address it, clearing the air between me and what's held me back. As the fog has cleared, the old messages of fear obligation and guilt are going with it. While there's a lingering sense of obligation towards my fellow humans in general, I no longer fear or feel guilty where mother is concerned.

[notrightinthehead]

For me it means clear sightedness not only to what I was willing to put up with but also to my own contribution to my misery. It means a determination to keep working with myself to heal to the extent that I no longer have to walk around with an emotional panoply but can allow myself to be authentic because I have boundaries.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I do still experience feelings of fear, obligation and guilt, as a few others have mentioned ... especially the OG part, though it's all lessened.  I now see those as remnants of an old thinking pattern that was instilled in me long ago, and not the truth of how things should be.  For me, Out of the FOG means seeing that and no longer allowing it to be what drives my life and relationships.  It's clearing, by degrees.

[xredshoesx]

to me it means instead of being next to me all the time, the trauma is a shadow.  i can see if if i look, but i have to look behind me to see it.

[NarcKiddo]

I do still experience feelings of fear, obligation and guilt, as a few others have mentioned ... especially the OG part, though it's all lessened.  I now see those as remnants of an old thinking pattern that was instilled in me long ago, and not the truth of how things should be.  For me, Out of the FOG means seeing that and no longer allowing it to be what drives my life and relationships.  It's clearing, by degrees.

The reference to the OG part has got me thinking. Maybe the acronym is even neater than I first thought. It seems to me that perhaps there is an order in which we lose the FOG, or maybe an optimal order to lose it, if possible. If you lose the Fear first you are probably better equipped to deal with the Obligation and Guilt factors. If you lose the Obligation next you are left with the Guilt which can be a very internal thing to deal with, but which is probably the aspect one can most readily manage in the absence of the Fear and the Obligation.

[escapingman]

I have got rid of a lot of my G(uilt), I have realised that when my FOO ask me for things they are not accepting my responses and therefor it is no me that should feel the guilt. The O(bligation) is harder but I am working on it, I am not obliged to please an unpleasable FOO. I have been conditioned with that whatever my younger sister wants, she gets, what I want doesn't matter. I am struggling right now as I am on my own with DD, I could really do with some help and to get some alone time. But FOO only wants to come for a weekend and to be entertained, I am not obliged to host under those circumstances. F(ear) I still have for being told off or shouted at, the main fear is towards MIL and to some extend STBX. My FOO operates mostly on guilt and obligation so not so much fear there. If someone random comes and tell me I have done something wrong, example done a lazy parking, I no longer internalize it and thinks "shit happens, everyone does something slightly naughty sometimes).

[JustKeepTrying]

xredshoesx

trauma as a shadow - what an interesting analogy. thank you

[Jolie40]

when I was young & still living at home with PD parent, I had lots of fear, obligation, and guilt
some of that continued after marriage because all us siblings had to gather @ PD's house several times/yr for b'days & holidays......PD parent was very manipulation & gatherings Always had to be @ PD's house

one year, I asked to host Christmas
PD parent purposely arrived with NO gifts to pass out to grandkids so we HAD to go to PD's house.....so the manipulation was there.....no I could not have Christmas!


since I went NC & PD's house was sold, there are no more family gatherings
the last gathering was at my house for our kid's birthday
I don't foresee any sibling hosting Thanksgiving or Christmas ever

it actually is a relief cause there is no obligation to go anywhere & husband, child, & I can enjoy holidays peacefully!
it does appear I am Out of the FOG with no more fear, obligation, or guilt!

[Amy-Rose]

Great question. It means a few things to me.

1) The behaviour of certain people can make you feel alone and isolated. Especially since everyone else thinks the person is great and you can hear it in their voices that they don't believe this wonderful, generous person behaves as you say. So it means for me that I'm Out of the FOG of that "it's just me" thinking. I see no it isn't me. I see why others close to my ex friend don't see it because they aren't close enough to her. Most of her friends only see her for a weekend once a year.
2) I see the person behind the mask. I'm no longer drugged by a fog and wondering blindly and aimlessly around in it. That lost feeling is gone. I finally see clearly and all the relief that comes with it. I'm not wandering in the wrong direction anymore hoping it'll lead me to a safe home.

This is a really good question and I send strength to everyone here going through PD relationships or break ups from them. Light, love and healing and be glad the fog is gone.

[mary_poppins]

To me it means to get out of the PD person's perceived reality (which often means VLC and even NC) and set up rules for our own lives. To set these rules so that it benefits us and has nothing to do with our negative emotions for them (eg revenge).
It also means to have our own identity and do what we love doing, without feeling guilty about it (even if this means breaking up with 'them').

[Fae Greenwood]

For me, it means that I am not responsible for my uNPDh's mental and physical health. When he felt bad about anything, his job or FOO or body or whatever, he would complain that it was somehow my fault and so I was responsible to fix it. I am NOT responsible for his thoughts or fears or feelings. I AM responsible for my behavior but not how he perceives it after traveling through his PD filters.  I spent a large part of my strength propping him up and then having no support for myself. Out of the FOG means I know that I must accept those things I cannot change (internal medium chill), have the courage to change the things I can (myself),  and develop the wisdom to know the difference.

[The Butterfly Effect]

Great post!

"Freedom" sums it up for me. I'm still working on through the obligation part but I've got the fear and guilt processed.

But...

I'm Free from the mind games and the second guessing myself. Free from the uneasy feeling when catching an insidious look of coldness and spite in her eyes. Free from the questioning and setting me up to fail. Free from her inquisitive words wrapped in a mocking tone. Free from her disapproval on my life choices. Free from her lies, manipulation and pity parties.

Free to be me. Free to live authentically.  Free to walk away from the histrionics. Free to love and be loved unconditionally. Free to enjoy my time. Free to embrace my hobbies and not be ridiculed for them. Free to spend my money on what I choose to spend it on without guilt.

Free to embrace life, the authentic people I hold close.  Free to walk away for my own mental health.