Thoughts on Lack of Contentment

FiveForFighting · October 18, 2022, 02:48:13 PM

Friends,
Just wondering if anyone else has seen the drive in their uPD others to constantly change things and never satisfied/content/grateful with or for current belongings etc. Several years ago it was always complaints about squeaky floor and old carpet. She would be happy and need nothing if the carpets were done. handled that.... then it was the roof of the house... then it was the siding and gutters. Handled them. Now it is this drive to move completely. There is no discussion, no give and take. its "you need to get us out of this house". No matter the interest rates, no matter how much it may cost us to move. We do have some equity but that doesnt matter.... she wants to quickly get rid of the debt she has acquired for us and pad the bank account. And begin spending again, im sure. Just wondering if others had witnessed this type of behavior. Im sure I already know the answer. Thanks all.

SonofThunder · October 18, 2022, 04:13:23 PM

Quote from: FiveForFighting on October 18, 2022, 02:48:13 PM
Friends,
Just wondering if anyone else has seen the drive in their uPD others to constantly change things and never satisfied/content/grateful with or for current belongings etc. Several years ago it was always complaints about squeaky floor and old carpet. She would be happy and need nothing if the carpets were done. handled that.... then it was the roof of the house... then it was the siding and gutters. Handled them. Now it is this drive to move completely. There is no discussion, no give and take. its "you need to get us out of this house". No matter the interest rates, no matter how much it may cost us to move. We do have some equity but that doesnt matter.... she wants to quickly get rid of the debt she has acquired for us and pad the bank account. And begin spending again, im sure. Just wondering if others had witnessed this type of behavior. Im sure I already know the answer. Thanks all.

My experiences exactly. As with many other things with PD's, they all seem to have the same playbook. Sadly, I need both hands to count the number of times your exact cycle repeated over the decades.

SoT

FiveForFighting · October 20, 2022, 08:38:25 AM

user,
Thank you for your candor and I do agree with you and I can certainly see your point here.

Quote from: user on October 19, 2022, 01:44:41 PM
But let's take a step back: The issue is not the house or the moving or even the lack of contentment in general. It's CONTROL. She's trying to control you by demanding all these changes. She demands your compliance. The only way out of this is to stop complying, and focus on what YOU want to do. Do you want to move? Do you want to fix the gutter? If not, you are not obligated to keep responding to her demands.
So my advice for you (take it or leave it) is to step off of the hamster wheel. Break the cycle. Drop the rope. I expect if you stop feeding into her conversations and drama about moving, in a month or two she'll move on to something else she wants to change.

I have been working on my "go along to get along" and do stand up when I need to but I also know that if I were to clapback with a "thats interesting" response or something similar, she would flame. Part of me doesnt want to have to manage that, along with the P/A behavior, stonewalling and ghosting that would come after. it would last a few days at least, then the platitudes of "you never change" wonk.. wonk .. wonk. She would also take things out on my adult special needs daughter who doesnt deserve any of this hell.
But you're right. I can clearly see an element of control here. That control element is also evident in many of her other behaviors. I guess it comes down to what I'm willing to do about it and when I am willing to say "enough" and deal with the complete sh!t storm that comes with making waves or standing up. I just really want to believe that I have enough courage to stand. Its been 24 years and due to some level of fear or something else, I have been enabling her behavior and overlooking my welfare and daughters welfare and allowing her treat us any way she sees fit. Ugh.

Gotta change.

escapingman · October 20, 2022, 09:01:35 AM

I can 100% relate FFF, and it's all about control. We both a house in need of lots of work, so we did it all. The plan was to stay forever in it, pay off the mortgage and have an easy life. As soon as the mortgage was paid off, I am talking minutes, uNPDstbx wanted to move. I refused and that was when the discard truly took place.

Great suggestion of BW to read the "Stop caretaking", if you read it look at this thread as well as the book will change you forever - https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=92112.0

SonofThunder · October 20, 2022, 01:25:12 PM

+ 1

SoT

escapingman · October 20, 2022, 02:08:23 PM

To expand of Bookworkms Bark and no Bite, my PDstbx only barked for years, but when I started to stand up against her she started to bite. That's when I had to end thecrelationship, if that happens make sure you are safe.

Fae Greenwood · October 23, 2022, 02:20:59 PM

IUNPDh has a terrible fear of missing out. He was always angry that we didn't live in a house at the top of the hill, or go on expensive ski vacations, or have a big boat parked at the side of the house even though we didn't want any of these things. He was visibly angry after reading the real estate section or about some athlete's record contract or if anyone he knew anywhere had success. He thought if we had those things, everyone would envy us and then he'd be "that guy.". He envied the lives of everyone around him and so poisoned the life, the very good life, that we did have. The grass on our side of the fence was greener, lush with puppies and butterflies, while he openly desired the sparse green weeds in our neighbor's yards I suspect this is typical of all narcissists including the covert ones like my husband. They have a bottomless pit inside of them that never gets filled so they are always emotionally hungry. Once he found out that a coworker had married a woman who inherited a few million dollars. He then demanded that I justify why I, as HIS wife, wasn't inheriting serious money too, why that guy got an heiress and uNPDh did not. That was one of my light bulb moments.

Lookin 2 B Free · October 23, 2022, 10:04:50 PM

I've heard it called "pathological envy" when describing NPD's. "Why does that person have that!? They don't deserve it. I do!"

This was a pervasive thought pattern with my PDx that seemed to go with him through each day. I can't imagine how much misery that caused him. And it made it impossible for him to not be sour and invalidating around any of my successes or anyone else's. I'd say it was one of the most prominent characteristics of his disorder.

Growing up with that is even more toxic. "Victims of pathological envy carry an insidious inescapable shame which enforces the edict that ones gifts are a threat ... Having learned that any indication of happiness or accomplishment results in contempt and emotional violence, victims often hide in the shadows, having lost sight of their innate endowments or too fearful to expose those essential parts of themselves." (S. Heller, C-PTSD therapist)

It strikes me as sad. Some people are too disordered to be able to come close to appreciating another's good fortune. And sadder, the harm that does to their loved ones. It's so wonderful to be able to come here to learn and get support! I wish everyone who needed it could and would.

Boat Babe · October 24, 2022, 02:57:54 AM

I agree with everything above. Much wisdom amongst our members.

My take on this is that everyone is prone to disatisfaction, called dukkha in Buddhism and often translated as suffering but it's more an unease with the present moment. It's the first of the four noble truths and the three that follow point the way out of this painful human condition. The whole Buddhist enterprise is to free yourself from dukkha and build compassion in it's place. A worthy enterprise and one that most people work on, consciously or not, within their own spiritual discipline or not. People with PDs are pretty immune to any type of self examination and to doing the sometimes painful work of inner transformation so likely to be stuck in a permanent state of dukkha with all it's attendant ills, which will impact on you and anyone else in the family. Not a happy place as we all know.

ALL you can do is to work on yourself in your life. Now you have identified your partner's disorder, educate yourself as much as possible so as to make the healthiest choices for yourself. The Out of the FOG website has amazing resources for this. That is the ONLY thing you can do as you cannot change her. It's a hard and bitter pill to swallow my friend but it's the only way forward for you. Keep talking to us.

escapingman · October 24, 2022, 04:20:01 AM

Imagine a line starting at negative numbers coming up to zero and the move to positive numbers. My STBX was firmly fixed at zero and she was judging everyone as either poor shits that didn't deserve to have what they got (the negative side of the scale) or rich bustards that was cheating their way and so not deserved it either (positive side). This was applied to the people living on our street, parents in school, friends, family, anyone. You were either on the left and didn't deserve it, or the right and didn't deserve it or you were STBX and deserved it all.

Boat Babe · October 24, 2022, 10:51:51 AM

Quote from: escapingman on October 24, 2022, 04:20:01 AM
Imagine a line starting at negative numbers coming up to zero and the move to positive numbers. My STBX was firmly fixed at zero and she was judging everyone as either poor shits that didn't deserve to have what they got (the negative side of the scale) or rich bustards that was cheating their way and so not deserved it either (positive side). This was applied to the people living on our street, parents in school, friends, family, anyone. You were either on the left and didn't deserve it, or the right and didn't deserve it or you were STBX and deserved it all.

Oh, you've met my mother then?

bat123 · October 24, 2022, 12:36:12 PM

Hi, Five! I hope you are finding all of these responses helpful. So many of these posts resonate with me, too. I think user's post is especially on point. Our fear of their reactions really drives everything. It's a slow and hard process, but something almost magical happens when you stop getting so unnerved by their behavior. It's like the children's story "The Emperor has No Clothes." They try to make us believe that they know best, and that we should quake in our boots when they impose their opinion (or their will) upon us. But once we realize that they are, indeed, naked, the spell dissolves. There's really no "there" there. (That being said, they can do some real damage to us if they want—physical, or reputational, for example. But often, as others have mentioned, they are more bark than bite.). I think that once you get to the point where their behavior no longer triggers you, you might be close to deciding to leave. I know that's been happening for me. Not quite there, but it's often on my mind.

SonofThunder · October 24, 2022, 01:29:29 PM

Quote from: Boat Babe on October 24, 2022, 10:51:51 AM
Quote from: escapingman on October 24, 2022, 04:20:01 AM
Imagine a line starting at negative numbers coming up to zero and the move to positive numbers. My STBX was firmly fixed at zero and she was judging everyone as either poor shits that didn't deserve to have what they got (the negative side of the scale) or rich bustards that was cheating their way and so not deserved it either (positive side). This was applied to the people living on our street, parents in school, friends, family, anyone. You were either on the left and didn't deserve it, or the right and didn't deserve it or you were STBX and deserved it all.

Oh, you've met my mother then?

🤣