I don't really know

[Liketheducks]

I'm in limited contact with my dad and mom.   He's had a stroke.   My other siblings have visited, but I just can't.  I don't really feel safe there.  I can be superficially supportive over the phone.   But, I don't want to be in his presence.   He messaged that he's trying to hang on for me and my son.  There is NO way I'm bringing my child into this.   (Again, it doesn't feel safe for me, so why would I subject my 18yr old)      And, truth be told....my dad would have and has had fabricated the stroke/cancer/heartache scare.    I probably won't know when he or my mom passes until someone else tells me after the fact.   In my day to day, honestly....I'm good with that.   They're both really hard for me to deal with.    And, I also feel like I'm the one who is being the asshole.   Even in our very limited contact, that I SHOULD be doing SOMETHING.   
Am I an utter asshole to want to release my dad and let things just happen.    Answer the phone when I can and not rush in??

[Andeza]

As they say on reddit, not the asshole. It's the programming honey, it makes you feel like you gotta do something and do it now!

The only thing you need to do is take some deep breaths, and accept that what you want is to step back. You can't help. You're not a doctor. You don't see this as a reason to revive a relationship that he chose to squander. It would be more of the same behavior from him anyway..... This is what your instincts are telling you right? It's okay to listen to them. I'm sorry that everything with them is complicated. Loving our parents shouldn't have to be like this.

[Srcyu]

I think your first sentence, says it all. Limited contact. Limited to phone calls only in this case.
You are doing, 'something' by accepting the phone calls.

You have boundaries in place to protect you and your family with very good reason.

Never do anything out of guilt where they are concerned because - there is a strong chance that you would regret it.

[Pepin]

Absolutely no need to show up!  Believe me.  Went through similar with CN MIL and not everyone showed up to see her off.  I didn't want to visit her but unfortunately broke down for DH's sake.  I literally just kept my eyes lowered and in my head apologized to myself for all of her past behavior that I had to put up with.  After that, I left.  Didn't revisit while she hung on for a few weeks....and then she died.  The funeral was awkward at best for everyone.  Kept to myself pretty much the whole time at the services.  Used it as an excuse to get a little dressed up since I'm normally not one to dress up....   

On another note, when this happens to NF, I am absolutely not going.  Not attending the funeral either if there is one.