The Surfacing of Memories

[Hepatica]

In the past day I've had a figment of memory from the past with my uNPDfather and I can't tell if it's a dream, although I'm nearly 90% it's real. It's disturbing and it plagues me, and I'm trying to see more of the memory. But I can't. And it's really merely seconds at at time was I was a pre-teen. I have an appt. with my therapist in a few weeks and I'll bring it up. For some reason, I think if I can understand more and see this memory it would release so much of the FOG and give me clarity around why I have felt uneasy around my father all my life. If I could know what his intentions were, I would stand by myself and this decision I've made to go completely no contact. That said, there are enough 'other' memories that it should be enough. Why do I need more and then more proof? Maybe because my cousins and even friends been mistreated by their fathers and remain close to them, and this confuses me, and that includes my sister, who reveres my father, even though I witnessed countless episodes of his cruelty toward her. How does one unlock memories? And do I even want to know? Maybe the memories come when your strong enough?

[JustKeepTrying]

Hepatica

I recently dealt with this and I will share what my trauma T shared.  But please talk to your T.  Many of my most violent memories have been processed via EMDR and each time I process one, other's surface and it's often like putting out the fire in front of you.  For years I couldn't even speak the worst out loud until my brain demanded I address it and my body listened and the seizures started again.  Like the title of the famous book, the body really does keep score.

My T told me that some memories will not surface - and it's ok.  They will come up when you can handle them.  I have some memories that are horrific and I can only see them in glimpses - I treat them like a video or bad movie -  and trust that when the time is right - I will and can address it.  And the time may never be right - and it's ok.  The worst of it was processed via EMDR with a therapist that I have worked with for the past five years and finally, finally, I feel free.  Talk to your T about it - It takes special T training and an absolute trust in your therapist.  I worked with her for six months before my first EMDR session. It's not for everyone but if done right, it is life saving.

For now, until you talk to your T, don't push it.  Just trust that your brain will provide when you are ready.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

 

Hepatica,   I went through this, too, around childhood sexual abuse, thinking I needed to remember more than I already did.  My T said "You have enough to work with already. Don't press it; More will come if and when it's ready."  But I felt like there was something locked inside that might be the lynchpin that could set me free.  I don't feel that way anymore.

My current T, a trauma T, uses body-based methods.  She's trained in somatic experiencing and EMDR.  She and others have said it, and I now fully believe it, the body does know -- it's all there.  She also says you don't even have to know and remember specific incidences in order to be able to work it through with some of these methods. 

There are some decisions which we won't feel perfectly sure of.   Talking with others, especially your T, might give you the clarity you need.  Are you worried about how people around you will react?  Wondering if they're right?  Don't forget. There are many "survivors" out there still in the FOG.  💟

[Hepatica]

Thank you Looking2BeFree and JustKeepTrying for your responses which both have given me thought. I am hoping I can find a Trauma therapist, who does body work soon. I live in a smaller city and it seems like all of the EMDR and/or Body Work Trauma therapists are in the larger cities, which is not possible for me.

I had a deep talk this AM with my Dh. It was good to get it off my chest but definitely not the place for me to find true healing. I had this feeling this AM like all I wanted to do was run away, just go somewhere for one year by myself, somewhere rural, preferably England (I'm a a total Anglophile haha!) where I can look out my window and see sheep or horses in the field beyond, and just heal. Living in the same town as my FOO keeps ripping open the wounds, and a lot of people I know do not truly understand or openly support my need to set strict boundaries with my FOO. With a few friends there is this subtle judgement, the old, you should make amends with your very elderly father stuff, where they seem to want to cast me as the mean, bad, selfish daughter, rather than try to imagine that if I have backed away and gone NC it is because things happened that they cannot imagine, or believe. And this throws me into doubt about everything. It seems I'm outnumbered when it comes to the radical act of no contact. And that's bad for my belief in myself.

Ugh.

[JustKeepTrying]

Ugh is right.

I totally get the desire to run.  I've been trying to leave now for two years and health keeps me anchored - for the time being.  Everywhere I go there is a reminder of this or that and the triggers piled on at first.  It's getting better.

If there isn't an EMDR nearby consider this - it takes time to build trust with a therapist - you need to establish background and respect - perhaps you do some sessions over a few months via Telehealth and then go into the city for the EMDR.  Talk to them and see what options you have.

Good luck and