Defending their flying monkeys/henchmen

[Nomoretoday]

I don't know if anyone has ever dealt with this but I have and it's frustrating. I'm currently not in the position to leave/her away from their toxic behavior. However I need some advice. I've noticed that both of the people who are disordered in my life all stuck up for the flying monkeys behavior. It doesn't matter if you try to be gentle and explain how the flying monkeys behavior has affected you or someone else. They always seem to make excuses for the disordered person's bad behavior.
If I say anything that doesn't go with their train of thought I get verbally abused and told how wrong I am and that I hurt their feelings. It's been so bad that a one word answer in the "wrong" tone starts the verbal abuse and accusations of being a victim. If I set boundaries and say I don't deserve the abuse I'm told I'm being a victim.
Hopefully soon, I'll be able to go LC with these people.

[Starboard Song]

If I set boundaries and say I don't deserve the abuse I'm told I'm being a victim.
Hopefully soon, I'll be able to go LC with these people.

I am sorry for all this. You deserve peace in your life.

Good boundaries are all about what you will or will not do, or engage with. They are not about what other people will do. And ideally they can be enforced automatically, without cooperation from others, and without resorting to nuclear options.

In the future, I would encourage you to set a boundary not by asserting a right (which is beginning an argument), but by taking decisive action: change the topic, end the conversation, leave the room. You can't prevent their first words of criticism, but you can decline to keep listening.

I know how hard it can be. And I know it is nearly impossible to enforce boundaries with people in your home. But good luck trying...

[moglow]

This is overly simplistic and for that I apologize but remember first that you're responsible for yourself and your own behavior, not theirs. You don't have to explain or excuse any of it, or even discuss it.

Those flying monkeys/third parties and the PD individuals? Same. They're each responsible for their own actions, not yours. They speak for themselves. Just because they say or believe it doesn't make it so, and you don't have to detail where they're wrong. Their thoughts, their stuff.

Truth be told, those "ABC told me that you said/did xyz..." sessions are nothing more than gossip behind somebody's back and someone picking for information. You can decline to participate. Ask me directly and ill decide what I want to share. Send in the monkeys, dragging in third parties, and they get even less.

You have no way to know what the flying monkeys have been told or what they're up to. Unless they come to you directly out of concern and compassion, it's not yours to discuss or explain. And you STILL get to decide whether or not you trust them.

Flip side - would I listen to defenses of others? Why? What need do you have of that? They're still discussing others who (I'm guessing) you don't really have a relationship with. Picking YOU for information to take back and repeat the cycle. I try to remember that with some people anything I say can and will be used against me, so I limit that exposure as much as possible.

Be brief be friendly be firm - and be gone!

[Catothecat]

The relationship between a PD and their flying monkeys is symbiotic--they need one another for whatever reasons they require.  And an effective flying monkey isn't someone a PD is going to voluntarily let go of.

When the FMs invade your home, at the PD's request and invitation, you feel like a sitting duck for their abuse.  Which, of course, is never abuse on their part, just something you deserve because the PD told them so.  As far as they're concerned, everything is functioning as if should.  All you can do is as the others have stated--don't participate in their game.  When my NPDexh would invite his FM friends over, my only defense was to not engage because engaging only encouraged all of them to continue.  It may seem like you're giving a silent admission of guilt or whatever it is they're looking for, but in my experience they soon get tired of being gray rocked.  Let them think what they want because they already do and actually nothing you do or say is going to change their perceptions.

And I can say as someone who was a FM for a NPD "friend," if any of my targets had ever said to me, I don't want to hear it, and drew a firm boundary by meaning it, it would've stopped me in my tracks.