Starting this journey again

[littlelimabean]

I signed up about two days ago. I put my account up for deletion last night. Then, I reactivated it today after realizing what I did wrong the first time around.

When I discovered my mother might have a personality disorder, I went all in learning all I could. What kind is she? What are her behaviors? What is she thinking? What are her mannerisms? Could she be borderline or could she be narcissistic? What do I remember about her?

Not once did I think of myself.Was I abused? How do I feel? What are my mannerisms? What am I thinking? All these questions didn't even cross my mind. Even in my life, someone asked "Do you want it wear makeup? I can do it for you!"

I wanted to wear it, but I replied. "No, my mother wouldn't like it."

I know I, me, myself, was abused. I was parentified. I also know I still love my mother deeply. I know that it is my nature to be warm and respectful to her. At the same time, I want to have boundaries. I want to keep things skin deep. When I sat her down and read a handwritten letter to her, she asked me sometime after to teach her and guide her so she could learn to be a better mom.

It came from a good place. I saw it in her eyes, but I can't teach her or guide her anymore. It isn't my job. I will continue to love her. I will continue to respect her, but I need to become separate from her.

Reactivating this account is my first step. She would never approve of this, but I think it is fine to have.

I wanted to get this off my chest. It is hard. It is difficult to sit with, but I can deal with it.

Thank you for listening.

[bloomie]

Welcome again, littlelimabean. You are making big, important steps in a healthy direction.

Developing a good and stable sense of self and learning to recognize what is your responsibility and what is another's is what love and respect looks like. How wise you are to know that your mother needs to go elsewhere to work on her mothering abilities. It is kindness that you didn't take on something you rightly realize you are not equipped to do.

Glad you decided to stay and focus on your own healing and journey!

[littlelimabean]

Welcome again, littlelimabean. You are making big, important steps in a healthy direction.

Developing a good and stable sense of self and learning to recognize what is your responsibility and what is another's is what love and respect looks like. How wise you are to know that your mother needs to go elsewhere to work on her mothering abilities. It is kindness that you didn't take on something you rightly realize you are not equipped to do.

Glad you decided to stay and focus on your own healing and journey!

Thank you for the welcome again! I am just feeling a sense of grief. However, like everything, it will pass.

[IreneChege]

This is a fantastic decision, you need to find out who you are not who your mom is (still respect and love her deeply as you alrady do).  I know what it is like to be controlled - but you know what insecure people will always try to control you.  This is happening not just at home but in friendships, office and anywhere else where we interact.

Stay in the Word of God Read what merlin carothers has written - prison to praise is one.  Listen also to Bill Hughes of Truth triumphant and you will heal. Thanks God for your mother because Jesus has a perfect plan for your life its just that we live in a not so perfect world
God does love you.

Warm Regards
Irene Chege

[xredshoesx]

This is a fantastic decision, you need to find out who you are not who your mom is (still respect and love her deeply as you alrady do).  I know what it is like to be controlled - but you know what insecure people will always try to control you.  This is happening not just at home but in friendships, office and anywhere else where we interact.

Stay in the Word of God Read what merlin carothers has written - prison to praise is one.  Listen also to Bill Hughes of Truth triumphant and you will heal. Thanks God for your mother because Jesus has a perfect plan for your life its just that we live in a not so perfect world
God does love you.

Warm Regards
Irene Chege

Irene we are glad you are interacting on the forum but please be mindful that we have members from all walks and all faiths and not everyone is a believer.  Share what worked for you in dealing with your own PD/ uPD relationship.

xredshoesx - site custodian/ forum administrator