No real hobbies. Not understanding the concept of hobbies.

[easterncappy]

"What? So like, collecting stamps or something would make me a better person?" said sarcastically with an eye-roll. The only hobbies they had were consumption related. There was no real "trying new things" or trying to exercise the brain muscles. Just watching TV, buying stuff, and phone calls. I remember a few comments about how hobbies are for stupid people... everything she didn't like or understand was for stupid people. The closest thing she had to a hobby was watching documentaries but that's only so she could tell you about how smart she was for liking them.

Every hobby I had was looked at like it was ridiculous and a huge waste of time. Learning languages, crochet, painting = "Are you fluent yet? Become a translator! It'll make so much money!" "Oh, you're making a hat! Make 20 of them and sell them on Etsy! Make so much money!" "Oh, you should go to art school and become a famous painter so you can make a lot of money!". If I revealed that it was just a hobby I was doing for fun and didn't want to invest a lot of time in and certainly didn't want to make money off of, I was stupid. What on earth was I doing wasting my time with something this pointless, then?

They couldn't really wrap their minds around just wanting to do something for fun and enrichment. And now that I'm out of their grasp, literally everyone I know has some sort of hobby, even if I think it's odd and I don't get the appeal of their specific thing, I get their desire to get really deep into something that they find fascinating and great. Plus it's a good way to find a "community" for yourself. It seems like an almost necessary part of being a human being if I look at the non-PD's in my life.

[Jolie40]

once I was married & out of the dysfunctional FOO, I started to discover myself

I took all kinds of fun classes like watercolor painting & flower arranging
never knew who I was before as I was stuck being told what to do & given so many chores from PD parent

it really is fun taking different classes & trying various activities
try out whatever you want & have fun!

[Andeza]

Oh they have hobbies. WE are their hobbies.   

I'm only half joking. Really if you turn it over for a bit, we are their fun and entertainment. My uBPDm had no hobbies in the more recent years. She stopped reading books, and sat in front of the TV all day only pausing to go do necessary life stuff like eat and do laundry, etc. What she did do was constantly ask me to call more. I texted plenty at the time, NC now, but she wanted to talk. Texting limited her overwhelming emotional/verbal dumps and she didn't like it. I told her to get out, find things she enjoyed, but no. She had been there done that (suuuuurrrreeee she had) and life no longer had anything of interest to offer. But call more often to listen ad nauseum to all the medical drama! Yeah, no.

[Catothecat]

"We are their hobbies" indeed!  Even in group situations--social or church or therapy etc.--they try to take over the group and control it.  The group becomes their hobby, not the focus or purpose of the group.  Self-enrichment doesn't seem to be a concept they understand.  But they know how to control, it's the one thing they're good at, so pursue it with a passion. 

Even if they have a hobby it seems to be a type of hobby that will bring attention to themselves.  They don't quietly sit at home pursuing it--they want everyone to know what they're doing and expect constant praise and admiration.  If you don't give it to them, they get pouty and accuse you of not being supportive.  But they happily diminish and dismiss whatever it is you do as a hobby.  Your hobby should be supporting them, dealing with them, listening to them etc.  You can do nothing worthwhile.  Only them. 

[Empie2204]

"What is permissible for Jupiter is not permissible for cows".

No hobbies for us / their puppets/cows unless they are approved and signed by them.
For example, when he saw me reading or listening to music or doing crossword puzzles or anything else  - if he was benevolent, he just looked at me pitifully.
But at the moment he decided he needed my services, he expected me to drop everything and serve.

His hobby is fishing. I don´t have anything against fishing but living with him made this hobby odious and disgusting to me.
He knew that none of us was fond of it and he presented that as our shame and disgrace.
(Ha ha!)
Preparations for going fishing took the form of a higher level space science:
Buying all the big and small things I don´t even know the name for, packing them and fishing rods, preparing a thermos bottle and sandwiches ...

To make a long story short: narcissists can and do have hobbies but these hobbies are a religion.

I don´t go to that church any more.

[Cat of the Canals]

Does constantly judging everyone and everything count as a hobby? 

The closest thing PDmom has to a hobby is volunteering for two nonprofits. She is usually attracted to such a group because someone she has deemed "important" is involved, and she thinks aligning herself with important people makes her important, too. I think this goes along with what Catofthecat said with the hobby being about attention. It also gives her something to talk about. Nonstop. I can't remember the last time we spoke when one or both of the nonprofits didn't come up. She acts like I need/want an update every time we talk.

When I mention any of my hobbies, she often remarks, "That sounds like a lot of work." Her tone makes it clear that she thinks it's silly of me to spend so much time on making pumpkin pie from an actual pumpkin instead of a can, or sewing myself a shirt instead of just buying one from the store. Which is especially weird because cooking and sewing are two skills SHE TAUGHT ME. But she's only ever been interested in my hobbies if she can somehow brag about it to her friends, and a shirt really isn't exciting enough to brag about, I suppose.

PDmil is even less capable of entertaining herself. The high point of her week seems to be mowing the lawn. She never fails to mention the latest time she mowed, again, as if H is desperate for constant updates. Every few years she seems to go through a phase of compulsive shopping, which I suppose is hobby-esque. Oh, and she really REALLY likes finding people at church who need to go to a doctor's appointment, and then she insists on driving them. Anything health related is filed under "important," plus she can pump them for all the gory details about their illness/etc. which is like candy to her.

[bee well]

Hi All,

Eastern Cappy wrote:

You wrote: "Every hobby I had was looked at like it was ridiculous and a huge waste of time. Learning languages, crochet, painting = "Are you fluent yet? Become a translator! It'll make so much money!" "Oh, you're making a hat! Make 20 of them and sell them on Etsy! Make so much money!" "Oh, you should go to art school and become a famous painter so you can make a lot of money!". If I revealed that it was just a hobby I was doing for fun and didn't want to invest a lot of time in and certainly didn't want to make money off of, I was stupid. What on earth was I doing wasting my time with something this pointless, then?"

That really stood out to me. Seeing that you had a hobby and then setting goals and standards for you so that the hobby becomes a source of pressure, or as you say, "pointless." Ugh!

To Cat of the Canals: Just about everything you wrote in your post! I couldn't help but comment on this:

"PDmil is even less capable of entertaining herself. The high point of her week seems to be mowing the lawn. She never fails to mention the latest time she mowed, again, as if H is desperate for constant updates. Every few years she seems to go through a phase of compulsive shopping, which I suppose is hobby-esque. Oh, and she really REALLY likes finding people at church who need to go to a doctor's appointment, and then she insists on driving them. Anything health related is filed under "important," plus she can pump them for all the gory details about their illness/etc. which is like candy to her."

My uPd MIL thinks most anything that is not work related is a waste of time, Her latest thing is to pump me for details about my health, because I don't talk about it...She also makes the rounds with the elderly folks and comes back with what I heard someone in a different thread refer to as "the death report," which often becomes the focus of mealtime conversation. Sometimes I do think your MIL is mine's distant twin...

Jolie 40 said:

it really is fun taking different classes & trying various activities
try out whatever you want & have fun!

I agree wholeheartedly. Even spending a small amount of time on something we like and find enjoyable, not even necessarily a full blown hobby (if it becomes that, cool too!) Hobbies can be a healthy way to take back our power.

[escapingman]

"We are their hobbies" indeed!  Even in group situations--social or church or therapy etc.--they try to take over the group and control it.  The group becomes their hobby, not the focus or purpose of the group.  Self-enrichment doesn't seem to be a concept they understand.  But they know how to control, it's the one thing they're good at, so pursue it with a passion. 

Even if they have a hobby it seems to be a type of hobby that will bring attention to themselves.  They don't quietly sit at home pursuing it--they want everyone to know what they're doing and expect constant praise and admiration.  If you don't give it to them, they get pouty and accuse you of not being supportive.  But they happily diminish and dismiss whatever it is you do as a hobby.  Your hobby should be supporting them, dealing with them, listening to them etc.  You can do nothing worthwhile.  Only them.

Spot on!

STBX used to do puzzle books, every time we had lunch or a coffee break together she was doing her puzzle book sitting there talking to herself. Then suddenly she asked a question, then got angry that I hadn't been sitting there just waiting for the question and that I needed to pay more attention and not just sit there. I started to sit on my own in another room instead which infuriated her. Her other hobby was doing jig saws, this activity had to be done together with the children and they had to help as instructed. Her third hobby was watching hours of trash tv, I became a zombie just trying to watch 5 minutes of it.

[The Butterfly Effect]

The only hobbies they had were consumption related. There was no real "trying new things" or trying to exercise the brain muscles. Just watching TV, buying stuff, and phone calls.

They couldn't really wrap their minds around just wanting to do something for fun and enrichment.

My uNPDm & the uBPDsis have no hobbies or interests. TV soaps, drinking wine, Facebook
and bitching/gossiping are their hobbies. When I would share my interests with them they would always find negativity and contempt: I love reading - "Oh you didn't do much of that when you were a child did you now"  I love gardening - "Gardening is for retirement. You're getting old".  I love cooking - "It must be wonderful to have the time to cook. Just buy it ready made then you'll have time to read more books". I love crocheting - "Whaaat? Don't you get bored. I remember your grandma doing that". I love learning languages - "What's the use in that. You'll never use them". I love painting - "I don't know where you get your creativity from". I love singing - "You did always love to perform". I learnt how to play Chess in lockdown: "Why?" ...

[Pepin]

Awww......y'all talking about my late CN MIL?    I mean dang, the woman did absolutely zero in her spare time other than watch TV and stare out the window.  She was just waiting for the phone to ring or for someone to show up!  I cannot imagine living like that.  Yes, she did have a garden and worked on that -- but she grew stuff for the sole purpose of gifting it away.  Ok fine, maybe some people like it but most of it came our way and it was always too much.  We grew our own produce and I didn't appreciate having tomatoes dumped on us when we had plenty of our own.  And she didn't like it when we sent her back home with those tomatoes while we said: maybe plant fewer tomato plants next year?  And the effing zucchini!  I don't need ones that are the size of a football!  Pick them earlier like supermarkets and farm stands do!  She just didn't get it.  Nothing like eating dried out wood texture zucchini that is too big.  Forgive my rant.  OY!

[olivegirl]

   Yes, Andeza, we are their hobbies.

My disordered parents stalk people on fb. 

Their favorite activity is to embark on hatefests:  "Who does she think she is?   

Additionally, they enjoy being racist, xenophobic, misogynistic and homophobic. 

They just love to hate and they love to hear bad news about others.   

When they were younger, they were more charming and kept it under wraps.

Lately, it has all just exploded openly 

"This is the way that I am.  And I like being this way!"   

I know, I know NC is for me.

And it is!  And I love the peace that NC brings.

But knowing that NC deprives them of fuel and the information to wreck havoc in my life does give me a little joy.   

[OddFamily]

Seems like my father's trying to monetize everything. Just this morning I got word that I had a piece accepted for publication to a heavily trafficked website (3 million views a month). First question is how much does it pay? I found out he was bragging last night about how I had submitted for publication. Um, really? Must I be making money in everything? Can't I just write for the heck of it, and considering I needed a huge push from my coworkers to hit that submit button, why can't I start small?

[losingmyself]

Yes! Most of my IL's hobby is critisizing everyone else. As if they have anything to brag about.
Congratulations, BTW, Oddfamily!!!
Just be proud of yourself and ignore the haters! It would be funny to imply that you aren't getting any money for your piece, and see how F changes his tone...  That's probably wrong, but they aren't exactly nice themselves!