Well Damn.

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all.

I'm writing this to help myself work through some of the reactions that I had yesterday. 

Had a hearing and while I can't go into detail what really got me were several things.  As a friend in the UK says, I got knocked off my square.

The hearing did not go anywhere close to what my attorney had indicated how it was going to go.  It was a temporary order hearing so the cash support that I have been ordered to pay is active only as long as the divorce remains open.  There is a financial carrot of a lump sum that I hope will be sufficient that stbx will sign the paperwork to get this process completed.

Needless to say, her side played up the victim to a huge degree with the corresponding liberties taken with the truth.

What knocked me off my square was my physical reaction in being in proximity.  There was an armed police man in the courtroom which is needed since there is an order of protection in place.  I got the order because of the verbal threats consisting of "going to kill me, cutting off my genitals , cutting my throat, sending people after me, and the threats that she was making concerning "self-deletion".

In my previous post, I was doing fairly well.  Being in a hearing that was a totally unknown, and then with her actions in the courtroom, she was intentionally attempting to trigger me during the proceeding.  Actions included resting her chin on a hand with the middle finger sticking up ( a not so subtle flipping me off ) engaging in vocalizations like snickering, gasps, snorts etc.  Upon reflection, these were the same behaviors that she would use to manipulate me when "I" would attempt to have a conversation with her.

After this sh-tshow was done, my attorney did say to me that I did very well in behavior.  Unlike the stbx.  oh, and she also showed with her new supply.  I think that was also a way to attempt to trigger me.

My fight / flight reaction was triggered.  The whole she-bang of elevated heart rate, increased thirst, etc.  All symptoms that I know all too well from the past.   Eating was also affected.  Annddd that of course led into not having a very good night of sleep which also impacts my current emotional state.

Anyhoo, attempting to get back to center.  Reminding myself that this isn't the end all be all.  That is part of the process of removing her out of my life.

My emotional reaction isn't as bad as I remember them being but evenso, good indication that I have more work to do on myself.

Wishing all y'all nothing but the best.

[escapingman]

I know exactly how you feel and how she would affect you. You did well to keep calm. I used to come across STBX once a week on an activity my girls had back to back, I always used to feel good on that day and then when I saw her I got all the reactions you just described. STBX also did everything to try to get my attention and to create a show. I am feeling much better now and I am moving more into indifference, last court hearing I had no reaction to her, I just felt what a sad sorry woman she is. She displayed loads of emotions during the hearing, but she isn't my toddler anymore so someone else can sort her out.

Keep strong, you will get there, keep up with the NC and try to get to indifference.

[hhaw]

How did you think the hearing would go, SH?

A couple things....
1.  Hearings with PDs are uber stressful things, always, ime.  I couldn't drink coffee days before and day of ANY legal matter.  I planned ahead, was proactive, selected clothes ahead and did my best to eat and drink water.  Eating was difficult, as was breathing. 

2.  The PD reactivity, eye rolling, sighs, head shaking and victim posturing typically works in your favor IF you manage to appear level and reasonable/compliant with the court, ime.

You have the TPO, which is HUGE and in your favor.  Well done.

What you might consider laying down is your expectation for an early financial settlement.....just so you aren't emotionally tossed around on a sea of dashed hopes, over and over, which is too difficult to recover from, ime.

Expect stbx to drag this out, pretend to settle then change her mind after faffing about over the crafting of an AGREEMENT she'll likely never sign, no matter what promises she makes.

If you feel you can, I invite you to gently ask your attorney to have all parties agree to hand write any Settlement Agreements at the time of ANY mediation discussions and have all parties SIGN it, with your attorney walking it to the Clerk's office that day or next morning.

Gently advocaring for all hearings, depositions and trial dates to stand firm UNLESS you have a signed, filed and stamped copy of an Agreement in your hand.

Typical PD tactics are to make verbal promises and agreements in order to get the attorneys to cancel trial and hearing dates, which is a stall tactic costing you resources and deal,ing your mental health while the PD taunts and baits you into sabotaging yourself and your case......but I think you've seen that with your own eyes.  Heard it with your own ears. 

Resign yourself to this lasting linger than you can imagine.

Expect the stbx to escalate her disordered behaviors.

Consider holding her accountable for every single failure to comply with Court Orders.....you're in the US, I think.  Reporting and filing an official police report is the proper way to document, according to my attorney's and the FBI and GBI.

I wish you could reason with your stbx, but experience says she's likely pathologically unable to agree to ANYTHING.

If she could be reasonable, she would already have been, ime.

Good luck and lean into nonjudgmental self care.....embrace curiosity and return to self compassion and calm as you can.

This too shall pass.

[StartingHealing]

My thanks to all who commented on this thread.

I am much improved in my emotional state.  Perhaps due to me going through all of her junk, documenting via digital photos almost like a forensics exercise.  I split a 8 1/2" by 11" piece of blank paper into quarters, numbered sequentially, number a box with the same number as what is on the 1/4 of paper, and item after item, digital picture with the paper and item, then item in box with numbered paper, all prepping for when all her crap goes to her lawyers office.   (chuckle)

I'm just done with all her foolishness.  There may be some $ that goes to her this month.  Temporary spousal support.  Which the universe had already set up a situation where it will not be an issue for me.

I'm hoping that my attorney is correct on his assessment that her attorney is agreeable to a reasonable lump sum payment for her to go away.

On to better things.

I was talking with some members of my family and I expressed interest in getting into photography.  But with a twist, I want to go old school, 35mm film, mechanical camera, and one of them mentioned that they had a camera with a lens, case, etc that I could have for free    Maybe it's me but I remember the clarity of photos produced by 35mm film compared to digital.  There are benefits to both.  To me however, there are certain things that digital can't reproduce from analog processes.

The two areas for me is electric guitar amps and photography.  The greats in guitar players ( at least in the US)  used vacuum tube amplifiers.  The up and coming guitar players, are now discovering just how fantastic sounding tube amps are.  For me the same in photography.  Clarity, depth of color, color gradients, not to mention the ability to change shutter speeds, focal point, etc that the electronics in digital cameras replace.  But isn't that removing methods that someone could use to express creativity? 

Anyhoo, Went off in the weeds a bit. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

[square]

There really is a difference. In amps, there was nothing like taking the personality of an analog amp and of course they figured out how to harness interesting distortion sounds that came from "flaws" or "issues." Now you can do crazy stuff with an effects pedal but there really was something very substantial and authentic about the analog sound of an honest to goodness distortion.

On photography, I was thinking about the three strip color process used by the Wizard of Oz film, and there really isn't anything as vivid.

[hhaw]

Doing what you can, then turning towards the joy in front of you is exactly what helps and I'm so glad you're able to do that!

Photography....amps....whatever brings you joy.  Keep reaching for things you want more of.

Yes: )