I miss her and I have weird C-PTSD holiday stuff

[easterncappy]

I'd like to apologize to everyone whose thoughtful responses I haven't been able to reply to. My baby just learned how to sleep at night so I'm finally able to have something resembling a routine. I have a lot to catch up on offline and online... know that I read every response and I really appreciate it and think about what you all have to say.

I read this article: https://medium.com/@katiabeeden/the-hard-truth-about-going-no-contact-with-a-parent-6ddef9a2be

It describes the process of going NC pretty well. There's a section about how you feel guilty and second guess yourself a lot when you go NC.

And I miss her. I go back and forth all of the time. I know better than to contact her. She still sometimes sends texts or tries to call. In one of the texts, she said "I know you're ignoring me, but..." and some blah blah irrelevant stuff. She's a bad person. A danger to me and my family. But I miss her. Her sense of humor, her cooking, some of the fun times we've had, some of her insights (unrelated to her clearly disordered behavior), some of the nicer things about the home we lived in... I'm having memories of how the house would smell when the weather got cooler, and the sounds the doggie potty bells on the door would make when you entered the house. I don't know why that's coming back to me. My mom knew how to make a house cozy in a superficial way, but she did the opposite on an emotional level. It's weird. I don't know what to make of it. They treated me so poorly and sometimes I still miss her.

Fall is always a tough time for me because of all of the holidays that she made so uncomfortable that I ended up hating them... but now with my own family, I want to try them again. No reason my daughter can't have a normal Thanksgiving and Christmas just because I hated those days growing up. They are magical and children love the atmosphere, bright colors, gift giving, fantasy element, etc. especially with Christmas. But every year, the panic attacks and disordered eating crop back up at this time. I figure out last year that this is because of my childhood. I will not eat normally and get sick from everything for three months out of a year because I associate it so much with how I grew up.

I'm just bummed out. I don't even think any of this makes sense.

[notrightinthehead]

That's ok. As kids we are hardwired to love our caregiver. Allow yourself that. There was some good there. You felt loved and safe and cared for sometimes. And just because she wasn't a good mother to you does't mean you can't love her. Your love was good, it was pure. Hence this feeling of longing and nostalgia. 
Now how you act on that is another matter.

[bloomie]

easterncappy - it makes absolute sense you would miss the things that were good, possibly lovely even, in your mother. I see it as a healthy thing that you can acknowledge the dissonance you are feeling right now going into the holidays. It is not normal to be estranged from your mother and it hurts and not what you would've chosen if you have any other option!

What I found is with my own children I was, in time, able to reclaim the holidays to a good enough degree. That doesn't mean I don't still have moments and pockets of grief, but I don't fight that anymore. I lean into it and move through it because the holidays were a very mixed and uncertain bag growing up and I can't ignore the remnants of pain that linger from all of that.

But in balance - the years since I began to establish a new reality for these months of the year I have so many beautiful and treasured times that far outweigh the darker days.

All of that to say... I get feeling bummed out and want to offer you hope that it will get better. It may never be carefree and easy, but you are doing the hardest thing ever by removing yourself from a mother who is not safe, to build a beautiful life for yourself and family and to heal. Hugs to you!!! This is complicated, layered, and a steep emotional climb. You are not alone!

[NarcKiddo]

 

Also, very few people are 100% bad even if it is 110% definite that they are a danger to us and we should keep well away. Of course you will cling to the happy memories.

I'm glad to hear baby is now sleeping at night.

Hugs.

[monamurre]

Holidays are rough since they represent some of the clearest ways our "family culture" was practiced.

But, having your own family is a chance to create a new healthy family culture that you would have liked to experience as a kid. Maybe you can find a new activity or ritual that can become part of a new holiday tradition?

We started a tradition of wreath making with friends some years ago, and it is so joyous that I now really look forward to it every year! It doesn't have to be a big daunting re-framing of the holiday wholesale, just something small that delights you.