Realization

[InTheDragonsDen]

Kind of scared today. Scared as I realize who the woman is I have spent nearly 10 years with. Scared because I don't know this woman. Scared because I allowed myself to believe something that was never real.
Maybe scared is not the right word but it does shake you up seeing her for the first time who she real is. I saw the red flags and mowed them down. Allowed myself to believe the lies.
Especially scared when I see the hate in her eyes. The contempt.
Year 2 I asked her if her moods went up and down quickly, she said yes.
Year 5 or 6 I asked her if she felt contempt for me, she said yes. I thought it was something other than npd.
Think I have known for most of our time together than something wasn't quite right.
She let me go once, and I came back. There was an extended hoovering attempt on her part but it faded and when we didn't talk for a few weeks, I started chasing her.
Hope the second time I can be just as lucky. I do not want the drama.
It is tough here the last couple of days. Walking in the house, the yard, down the street, past our neighbors wishing them Happy New Year, down the street a bit more to the corner store. This is home. I had believed this is where I would spend my the rest of my life.
Today I wanted to see something. it was related to my eventual death due to age, she looked up with a huge huge grin and her eyes big and soul less. Today she has talked about hurting me several times, her fantasy. She cant unless I was immobilized like a stroke and there is a horrid idea. Being bedridden with her as my caregiver. The sudden change all because I started placing boundaries AND called out her behavior in public, in front of her friends, which is probably the worst of the two. They are extremely fragile regarding others outside the extended family seeing any defects in them.
Can't place my finger on it but I am scared. New starts are scary. Telling her I am leaving is scary. Scared of things that could happen before I leave.
Yet with her words, actions, looks, leaving is the only option. More scared to stay forever. The last couple months have been surreal.
I do feel confident once I go she will find another quickly to step in, this doesn't bother me, it is a blessing as she will be focused elsewhere.
It is scary to feel a bond between us still, at times that bond feels crazy making, at times a sick in your stomach feeling.
I know I have changed from who I was, I hope I can find most of me again. I have some dark thoughts of my own that I would never believe I was capable.
Scared.

[rockandhardplace]

I feel scared all the time. My fear is mainly parental alienation and losing my kids but more importantly them losing me and growing up only knowing him and his toxic world views and the more immediate risk of being killed or other forms of post separation retaliation/ abuse.  But staying is like slowly dying inside and I've had those thoughts too about what would happen if he was my caregiver. Holy crap. He acted so weirdly when I had cancer. Couldn't get it at the time but obviously now I can see he was angry that attention was on me not him. Years later he told me that I overreacted to having cancer! Not a shred of care or empathy.
Your post does remind me tho how much easier it is to say to other people you deserve better, you will be fine when you leave etc than to apply that to our own lives. It's not easy when you've lived with someone skilled at brainwashing and the constant criticism does affect us, our mental health but also our self esteem etc. the person who is supposed to care the most tearing you apart is just not normal and I think part of the fear is from them making us believe on some level we aren't worthy, capable, lovable etc. We need to be kind to ourselves as we find our path out. We are capable, lovable and worthy and being alone will be better than being with someone he'll bent on destroying us.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Rockandhardplace, hope you continue to focus on yourself, your children and a happy healthy future. Hope you are remaining healthy. Stress lowers our immune system and hope you have ways to de-stress. You need to take care of yourself so you have the energy to take care of your children.
I have some health issues and told her about it. Same. No empathy.
Dr. Ramani videos were very helpful for me to understand why I stayed and who she is. Still it is tough walking out the door for the last time. Difficult path, but more difficult to stay, at least for me.

[escapingman]

About health, for a while many years ago STBX was pushing me to sign a power of attorney so she could decide anything about my future if I ever got ill. I felt incredible uneasy about this, even though I had not put the complete picture together by then. I refused and then it fizzled out in the end. I dread to think what she would have told the doctors if I was in a situation where she had the decision about turning off life support or keep it going.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Escapingman, mine wanted to go to the bank. She usually goes in alone. This time she said, why don't you come in with me. For the next 30 minutes, 3 bank staffers were trying to "lightly pressure" me into getting a life insurance policy. Wife just sat there smiling. I didn't.
On the net looking at rental apartments. Seeing the pictures. Looking on the internet to see the streetview. Finding what is close to the various apartments. Reduces the nerves. I have an imagine in my mind. Moving doesn't seem as scary. Still will take a lot of work to keep from being lonely, but I will be free.
Last night she complained for hours about me, her family and other females, who have partners who she is interested in. As a side story, her first partner left her and when he was in a relationship for a couple of years she hoovered him back and then turned up the abuse to maximum. He left and never to return. The guys she is interested in are all very handsome.
She is going to use 2023 to "teach her family a lesson". They are dependent on her and need at times her to support them. If her parents ever won a lottery I know they would cut her off completely. Since they haven't won the lottery, 2023 she is going to make it a miserable year for them. She went into great detail of the things she was going to do last night. But when she is at rock bottom again, she will reconnect with her family.
Havent heard her complain this much ever. Me, her family, friends. I can count the number of female friends she has, one. Her cousin.

[InTheDragonsDen]

She woke up this morning in a bad mood. Told me she had a dream where I left her, she called and called, sent text after text but I would not answer (my guess from her past experiences, run Forest run). My not answering made her very angry she said. In the dream she eventually tracks me down to a hotel. She gets in the room and wants to know where the other women are. She told me if she woke up from this dream and I was not sleeping beside me she would hit me.
Face to face, 100% not a good idea. Very very very not good.