Length of Relationship Affect Breaking a Trauma Bond?

[Autodidact]

Hi there,

I just got out of a relationship with a suspected uNPD or very close to it - it's been a grueling three weeks of basically crying my insides out. I have CPTSD from my uNPD dad and suspected ??PD mom, and my life has been essentially either running from the right relationships or falling into the ones with the shiniest (and closest to NPD) person in the room. In some cases even fighting to get them to notice me.

Though it's definitely not my first relationship with someone with narcissistic traits this relationship was a whirlwind 6 months of completely disorienting, reality bending, triangulated, sex as a tool of control mess. So...here's the 64 million dollar question: does length of relationship generally have a relationship to how long a trauma bond lasts? Is there a silver lining to have gotten out relatively quickly?

Thanks for reading!

Autodidact

[FiveForFighting]

Autodidact,
Hi, welcome and so glad that you were able to evaluate/assess and get out of your relationship. There are a lot wiser folks in this forum than I and stick around a while and you can learn so much and receive so much support, but I would submit there is a direct relationship between the level of bond and length of relationship. My situation is terrifying and is terribly complex involving uPDw, kids, foster kids and a 24 year "relationship" that is legally called a marriage but definitely does not resemble one. You are so blessed to be free and to be able to self care, heal and grow. I wish you nothing but the best for you but to your question.. I so think the shorter the relationship, the better off you are.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome to the Forum, Autodidact.  There's a lot of great information here, in the tools and in perusing the posts.

I don't know the answer to your question.  But I would certainly think it best to get out faster.  There's the analogy we always hear about how a frog will quickly jump out if dropped in a boiling pot, but if you turn the heat up slowly over time, they never register the change and will stay until they're boiled to death.  Also, I think over time the FOG (feelings of fear, obligation & guilt) build up.  And, too, many of us find that life with a PD leads to increasing isolation and worsening abuse over time.

I'm sorry you went through such a painful 3 weeks but glad you are taking care of yourself.  Let us know how things go for you.

[JustKeepTrying]

Fascinating question and I wish I was a psychologist to study it.

As for your situation, you are incredibly strong, brave and self confident to pull away and stop the madness.  Incredible.  I was married for more than thirty years to a narc and that siren song is enticing.  I've been Out of the FOG for a little more than three years and yes there is still a mess left behind but I am rebuilding and everyday I grow stronger and make better choices.

I recently dated a man who literally made me sizzle.  I was so addicted to that chemistry.  We went out four times and then a big red flag popped and I got out.  But looking back I noticed the pattern of behavior that triggered the trauma bond - that push/pull was not chemistry but my nervous system sending me warning signs.  For that period of time I was with him the highs were so high and I never hit the low.  If I hadn't been so educated from this forum, I would have slid into another horrible relationship and that would be that.

Can you recover?  Yes, give yourself time and lots of self care.  See a T and do the work.  You found your way here so you this.  Will you meet another narc dating?  Probably.  So get educated and learn to the best way to deal when you do.