Acceptance of Hopelessness; Betrayal.

[gladtobehere]

My NM (became increasingly narcissistic as she aged - early on in my life she was "normal" and lovely) developed alzheimers and experienced two strokes with seizures about 8 years ago and my NS used her deteriorating cognizance to her convince her to go NC with me, disown me, and disinherit me. This was in a state where people can legally probate their wills prior to their death. So my sister also pressed my mother to probate her will while she was/is still alive. Which would make it impossible to challenge the will on grounds of incompetence after her death.

I did hire a lawyer and did challenge the entire process. It was awful. I had to negotiate my own mother's will with her - or my "share" of it - before she had even passed. She was not herself at all. The mother I had known was LONG LONG gone. But her lawyer managed to hire a psycholgist who "tested" my mother's mental capacity at the same time that the lawyer wrote up this will .... and this psychologist attested that my mother's mental capacity was perfectly fine at that time.

At the "settlement," in exchange for a (paltry) amount of money for my so-called "inheritence" (which amounted to less than 5% of what should would leave to my sister), I had to sign a legal document in which I promised to never try to get in touch with my mother again.

All of this occured only a couple of years ago. We "settled" 12 months ago and I think, since then, I have been in a state of absolute loss. I have given up, in all honesty. I use alcohol, weed, and am open to trying other substances that might allow me to disappear, if only for a few hours at a time.

During the time that all of this was happening, I was enrolled in graduate studies (at a later stage in life than most who are attaining higher education). I did manage to complete my degree, graduated on time, and have a very good/well-paying job now. I attained my professional "dream."

But I am dead inside. I find little to no joy in anything anymore. I smile for my dogs. I look up at the stars in awe. I hear the sound of the birds and feel so much gratitude. But to lose my mother. While she is alive. To not even know where she is (she is in assisted living - probably in a memory unit now - they moved here at least 3 or 4 times in the past couple of years). I don't know how to handle that. To have to now live with the knowledge that my mother, who was all I had growing up. I loved her so very much. All my life. But my narc sister was always threatened by our love, and by me in general. So she saw to it to try to make me feel as low, sad, and angry as she was. And now she has her ultimate win. She has seen to it that my mother has - in a very formal and legal manner - disowned me.

I will probably find out one day that my mother has died. I'll find out either via a distant family member or a well-meaniing friend reaching out with condolences - they'll be under the impression that I of course already know. I'll have to act like their condolences aren't actually the delivery of the news to me. That is how I found out about my own grandmother's passing about 10 years ago. Facebook messenger message. From a high school friend.

Sometimes you just have to accept that you lost the lottery - in terms of your situation. Your upbringing. Moving on - all the motivational memes, counseling pep-talks, self-help books - none of these people who have written this stuff or who are (getting paid to) trying to help you - none of them have the faintest clue. What you have gone through. At some point you realize that it's hopeless. And you are stuck with the ashes. The remains of what was. There is nothing. Nothing. Like being deceived and abandoned by your own mother. I know that she is not herself anymore and that her brain basically has holes in it. It doesn't take away from that inevitable feeling that she knew what she was doing and that she never loved you all along. That you were a mistake. It's one thing to realize that early on in life. But to realize it at 50 years old is quite another.

I used to really enjoy Thanksgivings and the Holiday season. Now Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a month-long season of loneliness. Of constantly being reminded of my aloneness and sadness. All the pix on social media showing all the smiling faces - friends surrounded by love. By normalcy. Life is a roll of the dice. They are so very lucky. They have no idea though.

[bloomie]

gladtobehere - I did a bit of back reading of your prior posts and it seems like you have been going through this for a long time. I am so sorry that the relationship with your mom has been so painful and complicated in her last season of life.

I agree wholeheartedly that acceptance of what we cannot change and changing what we actually have control over... which is only and always ourselves, is key to moving forward in such a stalemate of a situation. Strength to you as you find ways to bring some rest and healing into the next few weeks.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry to read your post. It's a very sad situation.

I hope that in time you can process the sadness and find more joy in your life. In the meantime, dog fur can absorb many tears.

Hugs and good wishes to you.

[gladtobehere]

Thank you so much narckiddo and bloomie. I checked this post a couple of times yesterday - and nobody had responded. I did/do understand - as my post as quite the "emotional dump." But while I understood, I also felt even more isolated - in seeing no responses. I just checked  now - and your kind words give me so much comfort. I really appreciate it.

Bloomie - yes, it has been going on a long time. My mother did come to live with me in 2015 - after she asked me to get her away from my sister. She lived with me for almost a year. But her many health problems (dementia, uncontrolled insulin-dependent diabetes, incontinence) were all just too much for me to try to take care of by myself. Not while I was also in school full time (and very very demanding school at that). So I put her in assisted living, which she never forgave me for.

My sister conned her into moving back to her state - by, among other things, telling her she would be able to take a class for stroke victims - that taught them how to drive again.  huge and cruel lie of course.

I have hear recently about a theory called "dark triad." I do believe that this phenomenon exists. And I do believe genetics are involved. Any other thoughts on this stuff - I'm open to and would like to hear about.  If you don't know about Dark Triad - google it.

[Big Bear]

Gladtobehere,

Thank you so much for sharing.  We all carry many different hurts through life.  I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties that you are going through now.  The holiday season is an especially poignant times for so many of us.  I have been intentional to keep my holidays as low-key and peaceful as possible.  I do have more peace now, but I still carry a sense of loss from time to time.

I hope that you would find some bright spots in this otherwise difficult time.  Stay strong!

Big Bear

[moglow]

GTBH, I'm just now focused enough to write a somewhat coherent response. I'm so sorry you're feeling so low - just know you're not at all alone. This time of year with all the holidays and gatherings is particularly tough for many of us. All those bright shiny family gatherings around us underscore our own emptiness, and even when we're included with others' it can be hard.

Granted your mother may have felt coerced by your sister, but at the end of the day she still made choices and allowed herself to be pulled around. She could have said No at any time, but she allowed a bully to take over. Her choice. We're left to pick up the pieces of those choices and it's a struggle.

All mother ever saw was the bad, the sad, doom and despair. When she laughed it was often a bitter spiteful laughter, at instead of with. I suspect your sister is much the same. I now find myself taking steps back and making conscious efforts to refocus, off where I'm lacking and onto the good in my life, rather than repeating her/their patterns.

Like being deceived and abandoned by your own mother. I know that she is not herself anymore and that her brain basically has holes in it. It doesn't take away from that inevitable feeling that she knew what she was doing and that she never loved you all along. That you were a mistake. It's one thing to realize that early on in life. But to realize it at 50 years old is quite another.

Totally feel this! I think many "outsiders" mean well but at the end of the day, there's nothing they or we can do to change what our family members chose. We have to find acceptance with what is and keep rolling somehow.

I'm not being trite or throwing platitudes at you, I get where you may be right now. It's up to us, to do what we need to improve the lives we have. I despise the choices my mother made, but she built this monster through years of relentless concentrated effort. I have to do what I can to redirect it for good instead! While there are clear betrayals here, you don't have to accept the hopelessness - like me, you may have to work harder at redirecting to what we do have.

Wishing you peace, friend