Do I want to hear the negative family news?

[Sojourner17]

  I got a text from unpdm this AM regarding if I've heard from my DS and if not to call.  I was on my way out the door and didn't respond.  Sent a quick text to DS instead (I do this every other week or so) to see how things were going. She said going fine and asked how I was. 

FFW to 10 mins ago.  Pc from unpdm. Again I was on my way out so I didn't answer. (Fridays are really busy for us). Got a text a few mins later asking if I want to know negative family news and if I didn't want my kids to hear to call during quiet time or when they are in bed.  Plus a blurb about a book she read and dreams she and I have had that she wants to discuss. 

Here are my thoughts so far:
No I don't want to hear negative family news (about my sister) unless she wants to tell me herself.
DS says things are going well. I'm not going to push her to say otherwise.
No I don't want to discuss negative family issues infront of my kids
No I don't want to discuss those issues at other times either.
Not really feeling it regarding talking about my dreams/her dreams.

I am about to go into my sons music lesson so I have some time to figure out how to respond.  I plan on calling her later... maybe tomorrow..., maybe Sunday. But I think I should at least give a courtesy response before then.

Thoughts? Ideas?

[Cat of the Canals]

Cripes, they just LOVE to spread the bad news, don't they?

I think you can be direct about it. "No, I don't want to hear negative news now or later. I appreciate you checking beforehand." Adding that last bit is a little reminder for her that she DID ask, after all... whether she honors it is really up to her. If she's like my MIL, she'll find some way to spill the beans, like it or not.

[Sojourner17]

Thanks Cat, 

I was thinking being direct as well. Now I need to decide if I'm feeling brave enough to call or to just text.   As I'm writing this I'm sitting in tears so at the moment I can't call.

I've been thinking a bit more about my post in general.  Sometimes when I post I feel triggered.  Like, I'm pulling you all into my drama in a heightened way, or like I'm taking advantage of you with the emotion of my post.  If any of you have felt that way I'm really sorry. 

I also feel triggered in that I've put my self out there and I'm going to be left hanging.  Then I think... I'm behaving as bad as my mom... I don't want to be like that. I don't want to throw out that negative, needy vibe/emotion.  But I also don't want to be alone. 

I know you guys are out there, who knows where, living your lives.  In the grand scheme of things I'm but a speck on your radar.  So for those who choose to respond... I thank you.

[Sneezy]

Not really feeling it regarding talking about my dreams/her dreams.

There is nothing more mind-numbingly boring than listening to someone else talk about their dreams.   

As far as the negative news, I agree with Cat.  If your sister chooses to share her news with you, that is one thing.  But you can tell your mom that you don't want to discuss someone else's negative news.

Also, as far as posting - that's what this forum is for.  Hopefully, if anyone feels overwhelmed or triggered, then they will sign off their computer for a bit and take a break.  But don't feel like you shouldn't post.  I sometimes feel like my complaints are pretty trivial compared to what some people in these forums have endured.  But that's ok.  If it's something that is sticking in your craw, put it out here and let others help you through it.

[Sojourner17]

So I think I will just text her something along the lines of the following.

Hi mom, No, I don't want to hear negative news now or later. I appreciate you checking beforehand. (I took your line Cat  )  I'm sure if (DS) wants to talk about it with me she will on her own.  It's a busy day today. Lots to do yet before supper.  We can possibly FaceTime Sunday.  Have a good weekend!

[moglow]

I'd prob go with something like, is this negative something I actually need to know, or maybe can help someone with? No? Then no I didn't need to hear it. Then redirect to something positive and carry on about your day. I found it was easier to not be weighed down when I flat out refused mother's random anchors. The gossip she'd dump on me, so much stuff that served no purpose other than feeding her need for drama!


And honestly? Pish tosh on worry over "taking advantage" by posting here! Sometimes we all need other eyes to read/ears to hear so we can redirect our thoughts. Otherwise, we get all in a snarl that's hard to undo.

[Srcyu]

I feel as though she's dangling bait, trying to reel you in with 'shocking' news or whatever when it can't be that terrible surely, to be swiftly followed by the dream garbage.

'Yeah, okay thanks' would be my response. That gives you time to breathe.

You're not just a speck on the radar btw. You're a regular poster and an active responder to others.
You stand out.

[Sojourner17]

Thanks all. 
Unpdm called ... again.  I was just starting supper so didn't pick up.  Showed the text I was contemplating sending with hubby.  He said don't send just ignore the calls for now. 

I texted with my sister (sorry I mixed up my short terms earlier... it's my sister NOT my son!  ). She had an incident and filled me in without me asking or saying anything about unpdm.  It's serious but she's ok. No emergency (not that I could help with an emergency living 9 hours away anyways!).

I've been thinking about this whole experience.  It feels like ptsd.  Like I reacted internally like I did to an incident when I was 12 and incidents that have happened since.   Definitely fight or flight.  Im feeling flustered, have a massive headache.  It's so dumb because the texts/ phone calls should not warrant such a strong reaction and yet here it is.  Not quite sure how to rectify that right now as I have to finish supper and be "on" for my hubby and kids. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you found out directly from your sister what happened. Because (to my mind) if we are told there is bad news but then not told what it is, it leaves us to catastrophise if we are so inclined. Even if we are not so inclined it is hard not to fear the worst. If I was going to impart news but wanted to do so at an appropriate time, when kids are out of the way, I would probably send a message along the lines of "xyz has had an incident. She's fine, there's nothing immediate to worry about, but thought you would want to know. You might not want to discuss when the kids are around so let me know if/when you would like details". At least that way you don't have to have the emergency alarm systems activated.

I get a very strong reaction just from the phone ringing when I know it is my mother calling. So I totally get why the calls and texts would give you a reaction. My fight or flight is always primed on a hair-trigger response.

I hope you're feeling better today. In terms of quickly calming a fight/flight response I think some deep breathing is probably the first thing to try. Plus telling yourself "it's fine" if you can, or "there's nothing I can do right now, so I need to relax a bit" if you can't honestly tell yourself it's fine. Or even, if it's your inner child getting triggered, just saying to the inner child "You will be OK. I've got this." I've found that surprisingly helpful when dealing with my mother.

[moglow]

Y'all make good points, I used to have that immediate gut clench with mine too. And she'd bait with "I have something to ask/tell you later..." that would set me spinning. She seemed to love putting me on the spot or driving up potential drama. Reality was, didn't remember her ever sharing something that a) I needed to know or 2) I could actually do anything about. Nine times out of ten it was gossip, the other was random what if speculation that rarely served any purpose at all.


Stepping back and looking at it from a distance now is much easier on my wits but it's a learned process. My guess is "do you want to know bad news... " was solely to crank you up, because she knew it would. That's how you/we were trained, the "omg what fresh hell is she stirring now and how can I avoid it without pissing her off??!" response. It takes time to change that response. And practice. And lots of deep breaths. AND you can do it!

[Sojourner17]

Moglow, I think you may be right.  The text was to crank me up and it also felt very shaming.  Almost like I was being chastised.

She keeps on trying to get me to call when my kids are in quiet time or sleeping so we can talk.  This time she said when the boys are taking a nap.  Much to my chagrin, they have not napped in years.  These kids don't nap.    She wants a large chunk of time to talk.  With friends that's easier.  With mom, not so much. 

I texted her to let her know I talked to sis and had time to talk tomorrow.  I asked her when she was available. After church when my kids aren't around was her reply.   
I didn't answer.
Last night I did Pilates stretches that helped.  Glad I have another night and half a day before I face the gauntlet tomorrow afternoon.
So far my strategy for tomorrow is to talk with hubby tonight and pray.  Do my normal routine tomorrow and keep the phone call short.  First sign of bad behaviour (shaming, guilting, chastising) I will say something along the lines of that it sounds like she's not feeling well and we can talk when she's feeling better. I also may need to say something confirming the boundary about negative news but I'm not sure how or what to say. 

Any other ideas?

[Sojourner17]

Oh also,  it's not only passing on negative news about family members, it's demonizing whoever has behaved badly.  Sad thing is, usually someone HAS behaved badly. 
I am so over talking about or listening to the venom. What's the quote that was used more a few years ago.,. Not my circus, nor my monkeys?  I don't have the capacity to get bent out of shape about someone else's bad behaviour or how my sister isn't getting her stuff together to my moms liking.  Also, I don't want to become one of my moms flying monkeys (something I unfortunately participated in in the past).

[Spring Butterfly]

I think you are handling the whole thing very well! Being honest and saying "no" isn't easy. Checking out of the Hoovers and drama is all we can do. It's good you end the contact as soon as things go sideways for your own protection. Stick to what you're doing! When she texts and you feel your blood pressure build, take a nice, long, deep breath.

If it feels good roll your eyes, move your body. I've been exploring somatic techniques in addition to stuff like breathing and grounding and inhaling something calming like a an herbal tea bag or spices. l combine as many of my senses as possible to help calm my nervous system. That sort of stuff helps cut short those times when our fight / flight kicks in and nervous system goes into overdrive.

Life is challenging enough and all this PD stuff makes it so much more difficult. You're doing great!

[Sojourner17]

Thanks Spring Butterfly,  I think what you wrote about doing things to move your body (my body) or breathe etc is very helpful.  This last go around I anticipated that the call would go sideways so I intentionally made sure I had a really nicely scented bathbomb to pop into the water for a bath after the call.  That and some breathing where I  intentionally breathed in deeply and then blew the air out really helped.

Life IS challenging, then you ad the whole PD stuff on top and it gets quite hard but I know that all things are possible with God so im going to hold onto that and just do the best I can.

[Spring Butterfly]

Good job preparing ahead!