Help! Parents are Coming for the Holidays!

[Big Bear]

Greetings Out of the FOG Community,

I appreciate so much of what you all share on here.  It has been very helpful for me on my journey Out of the FOG.

Well, I've got a difficult situation coming up soon.  My parents are visiting from out of town for several days for Christmas.  I'm LC with them for a variety of reasons, but I'm staying in touch and coping the best I can.  We've had some rough patches, but I'm not giving up quite yet. 

I can handle being around them OK.  I can also handle being around my wife OK. 

But. . . I can't handle having them plus my wife around at the same time.     It's just this powerful synergy or something.  Part of it is the normal quirkiness of aging.  Someone tends to say or do something inexplicable or unexpected.  Part is the inevitable unspoken rivalry between MIL and DIL.  ("You took my baby away from me!", "Don't stand between me and my husband!")  Part of it is the fact that my wife and I came from two different families, each with its own family culture.  When they're together it can be rough going for me.  In the past I've had to debrief for a day after each visit!     I'm trying to brace myself as best as I can for this.

I would like to hear what your thoughts are on surviving the holidays with extended family.  What advice or suggestions do you have?  What can I do to prepare for this?  What should I keep in mind during the visit?

Thanks so much I appreciate y'all.

Big Bear

[Jolie40]

once we became parents, we no longer had a spare bedroom
having relatives stay at a hotel instead of your house definitely helps

have some meals at restaurants as people behave better in public

at your house, turn on the tv which will distract some people

show photos
go for a walk
have dessert
play a family game
take them to shop the after Christmas sales

best to you

[Leonor]

Hi Big Bear,

Dr Ken Adams has a wonderful video on YouTube to help men navigate the holidays with an enmeshed mother without alienating his wife.

Best to you

[Cat of the Canals]

I highly recommend having them stay at a hotel or airbnb instead of in your house. I understand it may be too late for that this time around, but something to consider going forward. There's no way I could stand having either set of PD parents in my house 24/7. I'd have a nervous breakdown for sure.

Regardless of where they're staying, I agree that giving yourself a lot of breaks is a good idea.

Check out the Medium Chill guide for some "low conflict" responses to handle your mother's bizarre remarks. The PDs in my life are generally more passive aggressive, but if someone pulled the, "YOU TOOK MY BABY AWAY FROM ME!" I would give a very emotionally flat response: "No one knows what you're talking about."

Lastly, something I find helpful is to get in "observer mode." I imagine myself as a scientist, observing a test subject. Sometimes I even imagine there's a pane of glass between us, and I have a mental clipboard where I take notes, and I try to observe rather than react. Mom starts getting wound up? "Interesting. The subject appears agitated. Body language has stiffened. Jaw is set. Brow furrowed." Etc.

[Sneezy]

Big Bear - Can you be the errand guy?  That usually worked for me.  We're low on milk?  I'm off to the grocery store.  Someone needs a gift bag?  Let me run to Target and get that for you.  You get the idea.  I always give myself plenty of time at the store, too.  One year, my FIL *had* to have a particular brand of peanuts two days before Christmas.  Off I went to the grocery store, where I had to park several blocks away and fight the crowds.  The checkout lines wound down the aisles.  And I was not the only person in those lines who was blissfully happy to be waiting in line at the store rather than home with relatives.  I'm convinced that at least half the people at the grocery store on December 23 and 24 are there simply to get away from family 

I have also found that both my mother and my MIL behave better if we keep caffeine and wine flowing.  I would normally never advocate chemical manipulation, but if you find that certain family members are easier to tolerate when they've had sugar, caffeine, salty snacks, etc. - as long as you don't let the alcohol out of hand (because that can result in its own set of problems), I say go ahead and keep the junk food flowing.  No matter how you may personally feel about it, this is not the time to try to convert anyone to healthy eating or to attempt to serve a salad to a sugar-junkie.

Good luck   

[Spring Butterfly]

Only when I aligned with my husband 100% did my parents back off and same for my parents with his husband.

As it should be children adult and leave home and when they marry a new family is formed. Our parents due to cultural background failed to realize this is the normal order of things.

They expected obedience. Honor is different than obedience. We honor them and respect them but we do not cater to the idea we are forever their babies, need checking on nor do we check with them before making decisions. We did before and we stopped that plus they are only advised of decisions made only as needed which is almost never.

We used to travel as an extended family and it was miserable. We had to eat and live our entire day around the matriarch of either family. We never traveled with both extended families at the same time.

We complied with whims and wishes but remained fully aligned as a separate couple in our speech and conduct. It was the same when either family would visit us or we would visit them.

I'm not sure that's helpful but that's how we handled similar situations.

[lkdrymom]

Whose idea was it to have them visit?

If MIL and DIL do not get along, please do not disappear and leave them alone.  That is unfair to your wife.

Do you correct your parents when they act up around your wife?  It seems to me that she does stand up for herself which is good.  If your parents want to visit, they need to be civil to your partner.  If they can't it needs to be shut down immediately by you.

[Sneezy]

If MIL and DIL do not get along, please do not disappear and leave them alone.  That is unfair to your wife.

This is really important!!!  And reading it, I realize I need to correct what I said above.  I was looking at the situation from the point of view of being the DIL.  My in-laws would come and stay for too long during the holidays.  My MIL didn't like me and both she and FIL could be pretty demanding.  And so, I turned myself into the errand person and got out of the house as often as possible.  If you are in the situation where your mother is not being nice to your wife, then perhaps it would help if your wife did what I used to do, i.e. volunteer to run to the store if necessary and get out of the situation for short breaks as often as is possible.  And you may need breaks also, but as lkdrymom says, try not to leave your mother and your wife alone with each other if that is a bad mix.

For what it's worth, my MIL didn't like me for 30+ years, mainly because I had married her oldest (and favorite) son.  Now that MIL has advanced dementia, she thinks I'm wonderful.  I suppose better late than never.

[lkdrymom]

If MIL and DIL do not get along, please do not disappear and leave them alone.  That is unfair to your wife.

This is really important!!!  And reading it, I realize I need to correct what I said above.  I was looking at the situation from the point of view of being the DIL.  My in-laws would come and stay for too long during the holidays.  My MIL didn't like me and both she and FIL could be pretty demanding.  And so, I turned myself into the errand person and got out of the house as often as possible.  If you are in the situation where your mother is not being nice to your wife, then perhaps it would help if your wife did what I used to do, i.e. volunteer to run to the store if necessary and get out of the situation for short breaks as often as is possible.  And you may need breaks also, but as lkdrymom says, try not to leave your mother and your wife alone with each other if that is a bad mix.

For what it's worth, my MIL didn't like me for 30+ years, mainly because I had married her oldest (and favorite) son.  Now that MIL has advanced dementia, she thinks I'm wonderful.  I suppose better late than never.

Agreed, OP's wife should be the one running errands.  My father used to use me and my mom as a buffer whenever his mother visited.  He got brownie points for her visiting and we got the abuse.  One time he had to spend the weekend alone with her.  A tour of duty in Vietnam would have been more pleasant.

[Big Bear]

Thanks for your replies everyone!  I really appreciate it!

I'll think over your suggestions and keep preparing myself for the coming visit.



Big Bear

[Big Bear]

Whose idea was it to have them visit?

lkdrymom,

Well, originally my parents invited us to come visit them for the holidays.  I politely declined the offer.     We live far away so it would either involve expensive flights or a long road trip.  Also, we have small children so any travel takes a lot out of us!   

My wife insisted that we invite them to our house for the holidays as an alternative to travelling there.  She is more relaxed about the visit than I am.  I suppose that I'm more concerned about it because they're my parents and I feel a need to keep the peace.  It doesn't help that we have several political differences that frequently come up during visits.  I'll practice my medium chill responses beforehand!      At least we'll have home court advantage.

Also, I didn't mention previously that I'll be taking time off work so that I can be a presence when they're here.  I could take my parents and children out for a while if my wife needs a break.  Also, I'll keep in mind the suggestion that she could go on a last minute grocery run if needed!     I'm also trying to plan something each day as a diversion.  I'll also make sure that my wife and I are a united front during the entire visit.

In my original post I failed to mention the grandparent / grandchild dynamic.  Namely, that my parents have a strong felt need to spoil their grandkids (my kids).  I haven't yet come up with an effective strategy to cope with this.  I understand that some sugar, gifts and so on is normal, but at times it seems to get out of hand.  Whenever I try to set limits, I get push-back as they are quite adamant to carry-out their agenda.  How could I effectively deal with doting grandparents that seem determined to spoil their grandkids?   

Thanks,   
Big Bear

[Fiasco]

Part is the inevitable unspoken rivalry between MIL and DIL.  ("You took my baby away from me!", "Don't stand between me and my husband!")

This is NOT normal or inevitable. What are you doing to stamp out this nonsense, or do you enjoy the feeling of having your mommy and your wife fighting over you? And for what it's worth if I were your wife and you equated "tolerating" me with "tolerating" your personality disordered parents I'd save you the trouble of all that tolerance and move out.

[Sneezy]

How could I effectively deal with doting grandparents that seem determined to spoil their grandkids?

Sometimes you have to pick your battles.  After the grandparents leave, you can put some of the gifts away for later.  We used to call it "rotating the toys."  And if some end up getting donated to charity during a "rotation," oh well, there are so many who is going to remember anyway?  And there's nothing wrong with throwing away all the sugary snacks and treats once the grandparents have left.  Or donate the unopened food items to a local food pantry.

[lkdrymom]

How could I effectively deal with doting grandparents that seem determined to spoil their grandkids?

Sometimes you have to pick your battles.  After the grandparents leave, you can put some of the gifts away for later.  We used to call it "rotating the toys."  And if some end up getting donated to charity during a "rotation," oh well, there are so many who is going to remember anyway?  And there's nothing wrong with throwing away all the sugary snacks and treats once the grandparents have left.  Or donate the unopened food items to a local food pantry.

I agree.  I would be much more tolerate of the grandparents spoiling the kids for one week than them making rude comments to my partner.

[Leonor]

Ken Adams!