Another difficulty with singleness

[Associate of Daniel]

Another email from uNPD exH this morning.  The usual condescension and ordering me around. Another avenue of parenting he's denying me.

Bear with me.. I'm trying to define the thought as I type.

Yes, he's my ex.  No, I don't have day to day interactions with him.  No, we're no longer responsible for supporting each other emotionally. (But as humans we are.)

I realised that as a single person, I don't have anyone on a daily basis to pick me up when I'm treated badly by others.  (He and his uNPD wife are the only people who do treat me badly.) I don't have anyone on a daily basis to compliment me or encourage me, or to draw out my strengths and abilities, and general "lovableness".   

I have a small circle of good and understanding friends and a supportive family, each member in their own way.

But it's not on the day to day.  Those interactions need to be planned.

And I think it's because the condescension and demands always accompany the denial of my right, role and opportunity as a parent, that I'm finding it so difficult.  I only have one ds (in a few days my beautiful boy will 16). I don't have another opportunity to be someone's parent and do all the normal boring difficult day to day stuff that is such a privilege to do.

Also, I'm not very bright academically or practically.  Really the only things I'm good at are I can play an instrument, I can sing and I'm a nice person.  So, to be told that I'm not good enough even in those areas just listed, is extremely disheartening.

Which is exactly what the uNPDs want me to feel.

I could do with a hug right now.  I'm seeing my beautiful boy tonight.  Hopefully he'll give me one, although he'll be reluctant.

But I also know that part of my problem at the moment is that I've been watching far too many Hallmark movies lately.  It's that time of the year for unrealistic fantasy movie watching, you know?

AOD

[NarcKiddo]

Sending you a cyber hug.

My therapist keeps reminding me that I need to find a way to be there for me, consistently and reliably. Yes, it's nice to have someone else there for the day to day stuff but even if you do there is no guarantee whatever that they will step up at the right moment, in the right way or at all, sometimes. Even if you are able to ask openly for what you need (which I am not) they may not be in the right frame of mind to deliver.

You've named three things you are good at (and I bet there are a ton more). You know you are. Whatever he says. You also know that as an ex he is going to be aware of your tender spots, and what you are proud of. That is where he is going to try to strike. Maybe "observe, don't absorb" might help you anticipate the barbs and laugh them off instead of taking them to heart.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, NarcKiddo.

Yes, you are right about the need to be my own pick-me-up.  My own support. 

I have over the years become that, although I attribute it more to God.  I was having a down day yesterday.  Facing the reality that this is going to continue for at least another 3 years, until Ds turns 19.  And even then, uNPD exH and his uNPD wife are unlikely to let go.  Hopefully I can find the courage to block their communications then, and not worry that I should keep the lines of communication open.

I took a tumble off my back step today.  Thankfully I was fine.  I was able to laugh at myself, as I fell while holding a completely full, just opened back of potting mix.  Yep, it ended up all over me.  I must have looked a sight.  But I also thought, what if it had been worse?  I'm on my own.  No one was likely to come looking for me for a few days, by which time I might be dead.  I wouldn't have been able to reach my phone.  So now I'm thinking I should purchase some sort of phone holder to keep it on my person at all times. 

I'm getting old!

AOD

[NarcKiddo]

Sorry about the fall and very glad to hear it was not bad. But I think it is sensible to think about keeping the phone within reach. My Apple watch apparently has a fall sensor and would ring the emergency services if it detected a fall and I did not tell it I was OK. That's another option to consider if funds allow. I always used to keep my phone in the back pocket of my jeans, which was fine until I forgot to remove it when going to the bathroom and it met an undignified end down the toilet!

[Jolie40]

hug that boy every day!

husband & I instituted the group hug when child was little
although we no longer "group" hug, we each hug our child EVERY night before she goes up to bed

[Starboard Song]

I could do with a hug right now.

Done. But you also need a real one. Please go out and cultivate that friend group, or some work friends, or whatever it takes, to get you more hugs. Also, I am sure it would be a challenge, but I hope there is some way to manage comms with your x to reduce his opportunity to mistreat you with these verbal slights.

Be good. Be strong.

[square]

Also, I'm not very bright academically or practically.

Wait, hold the phone. I don't know what your grades were in school but you are a very intelligent, thoughtful person. (Source: Your posts here).

I don't observe you handling practical matters firsthand but you sound quite conpetent and reasoned when describing your plans, thought processes, and resolutions. So it's hard for me to picture you the way you describe in your quote above.

Are those your ideas about yourself or somebody else's?

Have one of these:

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, folks.

Unfortunately hugs are off the menu at the moment as I've just tested positive for Covid.

First time!

Feeling ok.  Just mild cold symptoms so far.  Very glad for a reason not to go to work.  The last few weeks of the school year are really hard.

AOD

[Poison Ivy]

Darn the COVID! I hope your case is mild and you feel better soon.

[treesgrowslowly]

Also, I'm not very bright academically or practically.

Wait, hold the phone. I don't know what your grades were in school but you are a very intelligent, thoughtful person. (Source: Your posts here).

I don't observe you handling practical matters firsthand but you sound quite conpetent and reasoned when describing your plans, thought processes, and resolutions. So it's hard for me to picture you the way you describe in your quote above.

Are those your ideas about yourself or somebody else's?

Have one of these:

AOD, your posts are thoughtful and considerate. You make good contributions to our community here. Please remember that! You are an intelligent person!

This time of year brings up a lot of those feelings for those of us who wish it could have been different. over here, I am also cultivating that practice to befriend myself. Some days it goes better than others!

Those of us who did not find the 'close knit' circle of friends we wish we had - we have to think creatively about how we can tend to our needs as best we can. Reminding ourselves that perfection isn't the goal (not that you mentioned perfectionism, but to me, the desire for more people in our lives comes from an ideal we had, and from a desire for more connection, which is valid).

If you are an introvert, which many of us are, it can be tricky to figure out how to connect with others in ways that feel meaningful. Especially at this time of year.

We are surrounded by images and movies that make connection look easy.  Holiday movies are very good at doing that. But we have to remember that a lot of those movies were written by people who themselves, used writing as an outlet to imagine a more social, connected life than they live themselves.

I honestly don't know anyone whose life is as 'hug friendly' as some of the movies depict. In reality, it's really valuable that you've been able to give yourself the things you have, and to get to where you are today, and have the wisdom you have - which no one can take away, and is hard won wisdom you got from going through some stuff!

I hope the covid is mild and you feel better soon AOD!

It is also very important to give yourself a pat on the back / butterfly hugs as you raise a teen. Teens who don't want to hug are being very very normal. It's us parents who miss the hugs! They are growing up. It's hard. I hear you.

Thank you for writing about your hard day. It really helps us all when we share about the ups and downs of life like this.

Trees