3 years NC and stuff is happening

[Andeza]

I'm not particularly in need of advice, but I'm tired, have a lot on my mind, and need some support I guess. Maybe it'll help someone that stumbles into a similar situation? I can hope.

Many of you know my endad divorced my ubpdm some years ago. He then, over time and distance from her, began to recover from the enabling mindset, sought his own happiness and turned into a stellar grandfather to my kids. We were neighbors for the last year and a half, and I thank God for our time together. I never regret moving by him. And now, well, dad passed away suddenly two weeks ago.

It's been the hardest thing in my life thus far. Picking up the pieces, sorting his estate, making arrangements... My DH has been amazing, stepping in to do the hard parts so I can grieve and take care of myself and the kids.

Tomorrow, he's going to personally inform ubpdm. We're visiting my family for the holiday (it was planned and booked before dad died), and we came to the conclusion that the morally right thing to do is inform her so she can get herself in order and apply for benefits, because there's no more alimony checks coming. We thought it would be unnecessarily cruel to not tell her the banks froze the accounts while we're in probate.

So NC is on pause tomorrow to some degree. At this moment I have every intention of resuming it, and frankly I have no intention of seeing her tomorrow. I'll wait for DH in the car. I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation at this rate.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's quite rare to hear on here of a parent relationship that was reconciled. And then to have so short a time to enjoy that better relationship.  I too am glad you have happier times to remember.

That's very generous of your DH to make a personal visit. I suppose it's wise because you are then absolutely sure the message is received, but yes that's tough. I hope you can simply check your duty off the list and be done.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I can see why you are putting NC on pause. Ultimately we have to live with ourselves first and foremost, so if that is what you need to do then you must do it. Wishing you strength and comfort.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry for your loss Andeza.

Nice to hear that your dad was able to break away from your mother and make his own happiness. Living next to you, dh and kids was probably one of the better times in his life.

I'm sure it's a relief that your husband is going to inform her and you don't have to be there. Much better to wait in the car or in the house/hotel so you don't have any dealings with her.

[Andeza]

Thanks everybody. CMC I think you hit the nail on the head. It hurts extra because we mended our relationship. The alimony was supposed to cut off this year regardless I think, not 100% sure and didn't care to really know, because ubpdm is old enough now to be eligible for full social security benefits. So dad *was* going to tell her himself and everything just happened at the same time and it turned into this big snarled mess.

DH handled things. I'm super glad I didn't go in, because the dramatics he described did not sound pleasant, nor entirely genuine. Apparently she professed that she had still held onto some hope that she and dad could get back together.  Dad had reached a stage where he wasn't answering her phone calls because he couldn't stand the sound of her voice, so that had less than a snowball's chance in hell. He was very clear about it, and emphatic, any time she came up in conversation. The magical thinking thing at work, I suppose. She couldn't let go of the version of reality she wanted, and like all other problem areas of her life, she got stuck.

We are back home now, over a thousand miles away, recovering from the exertion of the trip with long naps whenever possible (because children) and tomorrow it'll be back down to getting things sorted. Most places were closed too much last week for us to do anything. So now, the most we'll do going forward, is send ubpdm a copy of the death certificate so she can look into survivor's benefits. We very, very deliberately told some of the family she could look into qualifying, so perhaps they'll nudge her in the right direction. I don't wish her ill, I don't want her to lose the house, but I'm not making it my business to do anything more than provide the only thing she herself cannot acquire, and by certified mail so I know it gets there without calling. Duty done, box checked, back to full NC. The rest of the legwork is her job. As I told my aunt, I have my own grief to handle and I'm not in a position to support ubpdm with hers. Nor would I want to, but I left that part out due to those pesky societal norms.

My very, very frail, elderly grandmother did not say it outright, but it was easy to infer from things she said that she wishes we would reconcile. She's a big part of why we went on the trip. She hadn't met our youngest child yet and desperately wanted to. We don't think she's got much time left, so I'm bracing myself for that eventuality as well. I find myself in this suddenly complex, draining, and painful situation with everything going on and things that are yet to happen. Such is life, I know that. Still sucks sometimes though.

[Escaped_Goat]

Hi Andrea.

I can hear how tired and difficult you are finding this stage  While NC is the end of ongoing abuse and neglect it's the beginning of adapting to life keeping that harm at arms length and the pressure from others and our internal super ego that was installed years ago by those who only saw us as there for them. It was right to let go of that connection, it's still right, she hasn't changed and is exactly where she was when she last hurt you.

I know you will regain your peace of soul again soon, it surely will return. X

[Preamble]

Andeza I am very sorry for your loss.  Your Dad sounds like a wonderful person

[Andeza]

Thanks. He was flawed, of course. We all are to some degree. But as far as being a grandfather goes, he was great. He wasn't really there for me as a kid because he was busy hiding from uBPDm, and when I had kids I think he realized everything he had missed out on.

No worries, I never question the need for NC. I know uBPDm too well. Change is not something she's good at or accepting of, and I've zero desire to input more time or effort into that broken relationship.

[Sneezy]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Andeza.  Wishing you peace as we head into the holiday season.

Similar to you, my dad was able to find happiness later in life (after he and my mom divorced).  It's nice to see that it's never too late.

Take care of yourself 

[Hepatica]

Andeza, I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your dad, esp. after you've recently found something special with him. I'm so glad for you that you experienced that. But I imagine it must hurt all the more as well. I'm thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts of peace and healing in this time of loss of grief. Napping is good. xo