Struggle to take next steps

[escapingman]

I am Out of the FOG, I know what happened, I know what to do, but I just don't do it. I am working from home so I sit at my desk all day, then after work, I stay and just continue sitting there. Only leave the desk to entertain DD, cook for her, play games with her etc, but nothing for me. I only do the bare minimum in the house, but even that's a push as I just can't get the motivation to do anything. I am worried about leaving DD alone and go down to the gym, but I am wondering how much that is just an excuse to not have to leave my comfortable desk where I know I am safe. I used to sit here when STBX was in the house and hide from her abuse, but now, why do I still sit here?

I am not sure the problem is that I am Out of the FOG with STBX, I have figured out my FOO and now I am faced with facing myself and I can no longer blame anyone else for what is going on. I know that anything I do from here is my choice and the only one to make any decisions is myself. It scares me. I feel lost to be honest.

[Associate of Daniel]

EM, I think this is very normal for someone who has been and is in your situation.

There is undoubtedly a scientific reason for why your body and brain are acting in this way at this time.  All to do with hormones etc. after being on high alert for so many years. I'm sure someone on the boards will be able to fill us in on that.

Most of the abuse I've endured has been post the marriage and 10+ years on it's still going.  I have periods where I go into "hibernation" and become non productive.  Like you describe, I drag myself through those days, doing only the absolute essentials.

I've come to understand what's going on at those times and make sure that I listen to what my body and brain are telling me.

I read recently, probably somewhere here on these boards, that we shouldn't "should" ourselves.  And we shouldn't let others "should" us either.

If you find it difficult to allow yourself to be unproductive and unmotivated, maybe set a list of maximum 3 things you want to achieve each day.  Just really small things - sweep the floor, pay a bill, read for 10 minutes, for example.

You've mentioned you want to clear some stuff out of the house.  Maybe aim to throw out 1 item per day.

Perhaps you could slightly rearrange a room in the house to make it feel more new and more you.

But even if you don't manage anything, that's ok.  And it's perfectly normal.  Let's face it.  You're a single dad dealing with an abusive ex.  That's work enough.

All the best.

AOD

[Stillirise]

I agree with AOD.  Your body and mind still have a tremendous amount of healing to do.  It's impossible for the healing to begin until you come Out of the FOG, so at least you can be assured that you're on the healing path now.  Feeling lost when stepping onto a new and unmapped path seems perfectly logical to me.

I also experienced a hibernation period like AOD mentioned, that lasted about a year, during my divorce.  I used that time to follow the wisdom of the folks who'd gone before me here.  I learned to be curious about what my body and mind needed.  Since this was occurring for me during the height of COVID lockdowns and closures, there was much less pressure from myself or others to be "out there" socially, so in a way, that was to my advantage.

I will hand down some of the advice I was given. Remain curious about why you feel the way you do in various situations, be gentle with yourself, yet give subtle nudges when needed, and try not to put a timeframe or expectations on yourself for the process.  Extend the same grace to yourself that you would extend to a dear friend who was going through something similar. 

Just like so many before me, I started out lost on the path.  I'm still on that healing path, but now, I'm comfortable (most days) navigating it through wherever it leads.  You may have some dark days still ahead, but try to focus on how far you've already come, and remember to give yourself the time and the grace to find your next steps!  Best wishes to you!

[hhaw]

When you're ready to......
stop judging your experience as goid or bad and pay attention to it.

Just be....very curious about what's behind the stillness.  Are you breathing ok?  Is there discomfort or pain in your body? 

Freezing is a trauma response, EM.  Learning how to ground yourself back in your body can involve tactical breathing (4 seconds in, hold 4, exhale 4) notice peripheral vision, moving eyes back and forth rapidly while head is stationary, etc.

Maybe take DD to the gym with you if you're worried about leaving her alone.  She might enjoy it....you might enjoy teaching her things. 

I used to jump rope with a fast rope and it was more fun with other people.  I'd jump left leg 10x then right leg 10x then back and forth 4x and mixing it up made it less boring.  Before you know it, you can jump rope without breathing hard and your core is getting stronger.  Just don't jump higher than it takes to clear the rope....stay low.  Use only your wrists to turn the rope. 

Physical activity would be good for you and DD.  Sharing it might become a joy?

But. Stop. Judging.

Everything.

Get curious instead.

[square]

I relate a lot, have posted here asking why I couldn't function.

You're not out of hell yet. Surviving takes a huge toll.

Maybe you really want to do more right now but honestly I think you need to give yourself permission to be in survival mode and let it be. It won't be forever.

If you lived in a cave and a lion lived right outside of it, your life would be pretty curtailed. In your actual situation, you do have an ongoing threat, whether or not your family, friends, and society at large recognize it as such. It's exhausting.

[JustKeepTrying]

EM - All of the above plus.

I think you are doing great.  Sure you want to be further along and that is normal.  Very normal.  But you have come so far.  Celebrate that.

I practice something my T calls tiny joys.  It helps me on those dark days when I feel hollow.  For example, today scrolling through instagram and reading all the horror happenings the world, I came across a post where a band I like played Carol of the Bells.  For a moment, I allowed myself to just enjoy their 30 sec of music.  Or when I wash my hands with my favorite scented soap.  That whiff is a tiny joy.  Try to fill your day with those tiny moments.  They help keep me grounded as I continue working on myself.

I am also reading Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie.  It's heavy but gives me hope.

[square]

A physical war, too.