Complete ignorance

escapingman · December 06, 2022, 08:45:59 AM

I have stayed VLC with my mum for quite some time. I don't know what is wrong with her but something is missing and it drives me insane. I have previous thought she might be covert narc, but I am not sure as she seems to be missing the rage (is it possible to be a narc without raging). She seems to be completely oblivious and ignorant to absolutely everything that is happening. Recently she initiated a conversation over text messages and she asked me how I was, I normally just answer fine and try to move on. But I felt particularly down as I am not fine, GC still being turned against me, DD self harming and threatened to kill her self, STBX trying to force contact and SW pushing for DD to see STBX. So I had a weak moment and replied, "Things are not very good with us". I should have knowns better. Her reply, "Hope it gets better" and then that's it. No question about what was going on, just completely ignorant.

Please please please EM, don't break your VLC ever again.

moglow · December 06, 2022, 09:59:15 AM

That kind of willful intentional ignorance is hard, when they show not one whit of interest or compassion. "Do you want to talk about it?" would be a great place for her to start. "I'm so sorry to hear that! I doubt I can fix it but would it help to get it out, maybe clear your mind for a while?" Mine was very similar, showed no interest in anything outside herself, not even to her own children or grands. And she now wonders why she's lonely. Well yeah. That's kinda how that works, even I can see that.

I get it on one level - they're tired. Lost track and possibly dropped the rope entirely a long time ago. There seem to be expectations that we do or be a certain way, that we know exactly what they need and provide without question. But when there's no reciprocation on any level, what are our choices?

I got nothin, EM, but I feel ya. I stopped trying with mine. Recent phone call confirmed yet again with mine that she doesn't know and she doesn't care to. So I have to find acceptance with that. Somehow. I just keep reminding myself, it's her stuff not mine. I don't have to take it on.

Sneezy · December 06, 2022, 10:32:02 AM

When my father passed, my uHMIL said she was sorry to hear about that, and then proceeded to talk, for 30 minutes non-stop, about her father and how close she was to him. Not another word of sympathy, or even acknowledgement, for me. It was all about her. I think that's a defining characteristic of personality disorders. People with PDs have to pull the spotlight back on to them. It can never be about anyone else. Now, in my mother's case, she would have at least feigned sympathy, and used it to justify non-stop phone calls (to me and everyone else she knows) to spread doom and gloom. But there would be no real empathy present. Your mum is missing the empathy chip that most people have. It just never got installed, or if it did, it's been faulty for years.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough time - sending virtual good thoughts to you

blacksheep7 · December 06, 2022, 01:11:24 PM

I was hospitalized twice during a period of six months, decades of accumulated Rage after reliving Ptsd then going nc with Covert M one year after she became a widow.
I had no idea or knowledge of what was in store for me at that point. My meds did not help my daily migraines etc.... I was prescribed additional meds which caused me to have convulsions. It then took doctors months of tests to pinpoint the source. My meds were not compatible.

I don't want to put fear in anyone thinking of going that route. My big mistake was that I did not seek T when I Desperately needed it in order to evacuate those repressed feelings and emotions brought on by my Pd parents.

I had reconnected with cmother after three years to later go back to nc a final time. She knew I was hospitalized (my sibs gave her updates) but she never, not once asked me why, even though the subject came up vaguely several times.

We all figure that our parents would be concerned finging out that one of their children went through a medical or life crisis like you escapingman. Of course there is no empathy to start with. Then there is a lack of being able to discuss deep issues. They just don't know how.

She was always open to ask and listen for gossip on my personal life with my bfs & exs, I never gave her the satisfaction.

Just empathy would have been appreciated and nice.

Best wishes.

moglow · December 06, 2022, 01:24:25 PM

QuoteWe all figure that our parents would be concerned finding out that one of their children went through a medical or life crisis like you escapingman. Of course there is no empathy to start with. Then there is a lack of being able to discuss deep issues. They just don't know how.

She was always open to ask and listen for gossip on my personal life with my bfs & exs, I never gave her the satisfaction.

Just empathy would have been appreciated and nice.

Preach! We see and hear about other "normal" parents and wonder what happened with ours, how it is that we don't exist for them. The superficiality of it all still amazes me, yet they expect ... something? from us without ever having formed even the simplest bond.

We learn to seek out what we need elsewhere and provide same to others. So I suppose there really is a lesson there.

Pepin · December 06, 2022, 05:37:08 PM

Quote from: moglow on December 06, 2022, 01:24:25 PM
QuoteWe all figure that our parents would be concerned finding out that one of their children went through a medical or life crisis like you escapingman. Of course there is no empathy to start with. Then there is a lack of being able to discuss deep issues. They just don't know how.

She was always open to ask and listen for gossip on my personal life with my bfs & exs, I never gave her the satisfaction.

Just empathy would have been appreciated and nice.

Preach! We see and hear about other "normal" parents and wonder what happened with ours, how it is that we don't exist for them. The superficiality of it all still amazes me, yet they expect ... something? from us without ever having formed even the simplest bond.

We learn to seek out what we need elsewhere and provide same to others. So I suppose there really is a lesson there.

Definitely going to have to agree. The lack of empathy....because they just aren't wired to do it. But when it comes to gossip or anteing unsavory that can be used as fuel....they are all over it.

EM, CN MIL didn't exhibit any sort of noticeable rage. It would have blown her cover to rage over anything. Instead, she either laughed, displayed annoyance or played her biggest card, the dumb card. This was her smoke. If her baby boy DH had seen her rage, it would forever have changed his opinion of her and she couldn't afford that when she needed him for her own survival. Swallowing her rage was indeed high on her list of covert behaviors.

At times, DH would get very angry with her. He'd storm out, drive home and then tell me all about it. Not once did CN MIL have the capacity to apologize for making her son mad. There would be a cooling off and then DH would try again with her. It was a horrible cycle to witness...a man like this at the feet of his mother trying to help her however he could.

hhaw · December 06, 2022, 05:43:34 PM

EM:

Your conversation with your mum reminds me of one I had with my mother during my divorce nightmare.
Mom: What are you up to?
Me: Trying to decide whether to have my husband arrested or not.
Mom: Oh, well I'm running to get my nails done then have lunch with X. Bye.

Just.....so painful IF we can't accept our parent's flaws and adjust expectations.

I know it's difficult to hold ONE terrible truth in mind, without losing focus. You have many terrible truths to accept and make peace with.

Be ever so gentle with yourself. You deserve living kindness.

escapingman · December 06, 2022, 06:38:21 PM

Thanks for all your replies.

I think I am getting better with dealing with her, but it is a sad realisation (well I have realised for years) that your own mum can't be bothered with what's going on in your life. But I do get her ears if I have anything bad to say about my dad or his partner, when I was still in the fog about things she absolutely loved it when I said something negative about them. She talks badly about everybody, absolutely everyone, it's so tiring to listen to. She didn't get on with my aunty and I got stories about her 20 years after my mum and dad split up. When my mum and dad split up, I must have had my mum on the phone for an hour every day telling me every little detail (half of it probably made up now when I look back at it), and then every detail about her chase for a new man, never asked a single question about me and how I got on at Uni at my final year. No questions about my relationship with my then girlfriend, not a single word when we split up. Not a single phone call now when divorcing STBX. Not one. I think I get it.

escapingman · December 07, 2022, 07:05:27 AM

No difference with my sister that is a spitting image of my mother. I had to make some changes of plans due to DD being in a state, I was supposed to meet her to transport Christmas gifts for DD and GC. So sent her a message that DD is a bit in a state and don't want me to go so I am not coming. All I got the standard, What a shame - then I have to send the gifts in the post. I had already put the contact to a minimum for this occasion to just meet her to receive whatever she had, but still more concerned about her own gifts than how DD is. I think I need to go VLC with her too, but that's harder as she is the one seeing everyone in the extended FOO and quickly can smear me.