Reconnection query, sharing of contact details

[Preamble]

Hi Everyone
I need to keep this brief and generic sorry.  If you come to believe that disconnecting from family members long term is harmful/a backwards step,
and there are various problems in your extended family, some of them quite serious, and some of them possibly being worsened by anxiety from lack of support and contact,  how would you go about assessing which relationships you might continue to prevent?

I am talking about the sharing of contact details  where people have been sort of kept apart from each other, by me, by my not sharing those contact details.  I am currently a bit of an "information silo" - I am in touch with everyone but I tend to keep them apart.

I am starting to think I have been, or am, too controlling in this area.  But I still see the value of No Contact for a few of my relatives.

Thank you for reading.

[moglow]

If I were the information silo, I'd tend to use it for myself for whatever contact I choose to have with them. I have a hard and fast rule about that - I'll gladly contact one and ask if it's okay if I share their info with specific other. Would I willy nilly give out their information? Absolutely not! They may not have that info for a reason, know what I mean? I don't see that as controlling but rather keeping confidence. Their no contact is entirely their choice and I'd stay out of it.

If someone were to ask, you could always say "I think I have it here somewhere, I'll need to get back to you." Then - if 2nd party says no - I'd let it go and say nothing or "I thought I had it but I must have deleted it ..." What I wouldn't do is put myself in that pile of potential drama.

[Preamble]

That's very helpful thank you Moglow.  What if you have someone's email address, and you send them a friend request on social media.   If they accept, do you think it would be ok to email them?

[Big Bear]

how would you go about assessing which relationships you might continue to prevent?
 

Greetings Preamble,

Thanks for sharing here.  When considering what level of connection to have with people it helps me to consider how they are often on a continuum.  In my FOO I have a full-blown PD narcissist, several moderate narc-trait types, and some that are just plain quirky, annoying but not necessarily intentionally hurtful.  I treat each group differently.  For my full-blown narc relative, I am VLC, with rare interactions.  For my narc-traits types, I limit encounters to what I know I can handle and still stay healthy, these are LC.  I am intentional, but also cautious.  I frequently filter and grey-rock these interactions in order to stay safe.  Then for the quirky ones, I am more flexible.  So it really depends on each person.   

It terms of sharing contact information, I consider it a good rule of thumb to always ask permission before giving away contact info.  There may be a reason that someone is limiting contact.  Maybe it is to stay safe.  Be respectful of the wishes of others.  Hope that helps a little.      

Big Bear

[Preamble]

Big Bear thank you , it does help but an interesting (to me) complication is, how does person A see person B quite apart from my opinion?
I have a lot to think about.  In some families my question would be seen as very odd - why wouldn't people want to connect?  Or, who isn't already connected?

[moglow]

how would you go about assessing which relationships you might continue to prevent?

Very simply - if it's not mine [or relationships with my minor children], I'd steer clear. I don't see it as my place to push or prevent others' relationships, however hard silence may be at times. IF someone comes to me asking what I think, I'd likely share my guarded opinion or experiences with that person. Or I'd answer question with a question, why do they ask? What are their hesitations with the person/relationship and what are the benefits? What I wouldn't do - because it's been done to me and I resented it - is go to someone insisting that they need/don't need to do/say XYZ with someone else. That's putting myself in the middle of a situation I have no place, even if it is family.

What if you have someone's email address, and you send them a friend request on social media.   If they accept, do you think it would be ok to email them?

On an opening the door, guarded basis, yes it's okay to make contact at that point. It kind of depends on why there's been no contact between us for a while, and how I got said email too. If I may be blindsiding them with sudden contact, I'd tread softly. Test the waters slowly first, if that makes sense. Make no assumptions, just see how things proceed. Also, I'd contact them via whatever social media where I'm accepted as a friend - not email unless they request it.

Some time back I got myself into a snarl when someone I considered a friend, I found on facebook and friend requested them. They accepted, I commented on a couple of their posts, admired a picture of some artwork, we exchanged a few messages - and suddenly I was basically accused of stalking them. What I intended as friendly gestures they saw as threatening. I felt awful, never intended it that way at all. They didn't just delete me but blocked me then removed themselves from mutual interests. Why? I still don't understand other than they made assumptions based on painful situations in their past. I get it - we all have stuff we don't necessarily share with the world at large - and I don't. We were "friends" until we weren't. So I'm a lot more cautious now.

[Big Bear]

Big Bear thank you , it does help but an interesting (to me) complication is, how does person A see person B quite apart from my opinion?

Preamble,

I would encourage you to not worry too much about how person A sees person B.  That is ultimately between them.  Maybe they get along great, maybe they won't talk to each other.  Either way, it really depends on them.  Sometimes it can be hard to accept, but moving on and focusing on how you relate to others may be a healthy adjustment. 

I would encourage you to focus on your individual relationship to person A and your individual relationship to person B.  What could you do to have a better relationship with person A?  What about person B?  Is this a healthy person that you would like to spend more time with?  Or is this an unhealthy person that you may need to have stronger boundaries with?  Either way, if you focus on your direct relationship, you may start to feel more in control.  Either you are choosing increased contact or stronger boundaries, but this is under your influence.  Granted, they may or may not reciprocate, but at least you did your half.

why wouldn't people want to connect?  Or, who isn't already connected?

That's a good question.  Not all people are the same.  Some are healthy, honest, trustworthy people.  Others are toxic, dishonest, and hurtful.  Some people are also good actors, so sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference at first!  If someone is a toxic person, avoidance may be a healthy choice.

Also consider that some people are extroverts and others are introverts.  Some quiet introverts may choose to avoid perfectly healthy people.  They may feel overwhelmed by others or just need some time alone.  Try to see each friend / family member as a unique individual with special needs.

Another possibility is that others may just be busy.  Maybe work, family, hobbies, friends, service, and other commitments simply takes most of their time.  The fact is that connecting with others takes time and energy!  For some it may come naturally, but to others it may seem much more difficult.

Hope that helps Preamble. 

Big Bear

[Preamble]

Moglow that must have been shocking and painful.  You may only be giving them a fraction of your normal social energy, but it's so much more than they are used to.   It's like giving someone a hug and being asked "are you a pervert".    It goes beyond simple rejection.

I'm not worrying too much about what my relationships are like with these people, I just give them the bare minimum of attention but on a very regular basis, and see who wants to talk.  I'm told that trying to improve relationships is often what sinks them.

[Preamble]

Big Bear I so agree that one kind of person is trying to act like the other kind of person.  Or it's genuine, but the emotions are temporary.
Thank you, that does help

[sandpiper]

What the others have said.
You really have to do what a business professional would do which is to say 'I can pass on a message but I can't give you their contact details.'
The trouble with that - and I've been on the end of this - is that if the person they are wanting to contact decides to ghost them and offer no communication or no explanation for why they want NC, then that can be really painful and you can end up being the meat in the sandwich.
I've had to accept that some extended family will simply never give me a chance, because I'm uBPDad's daughter, and they probably just assume that I operate exactly the same way that he did.
It's painful, but I do understand.
The only time I've refused to pass on contact details is when someone has wanted to connect with a person who I know has a history of exploiting vulnerable personalities. In which case I've simply said, 'I think that X is a pyschopath and while I can't prevent you from seeking them out, I personally have chosen NC and I think that person is dangerous.'

[Preamble]

Sandpiper I hear you about saying you will pass a message on but can't give out contact details.  That sounds entirely reasonable in the adult world.
On this board, though, I have to remember that there will be many people for whom that would be much too much, because if "nothing happens" as a result of the message, their feared person is not the type to maturely accept it, but could start another smear campaign or worse.

To put it another way, in a No Contact situation, that would count as Contact.  I can't give details, but a few years ago my uPD person used my lack of response to turn my immediate family against me.

When I started this thread I was feeling relatively buoyant but a few things have happened at home that have helped me remember it's all still very much alive in my situation.  I think "Oh, I'm going to have to be more careful, what was I thinking" and then I wonder if that is me trying to control things again.  This is all so confusing.

Perhaps I need a prepared statement "Oh, I never help bring people together, sorry" instead of trying make it look like anything else.  With all the (over)-exposure from search engines etc, why should I help anyone?