Tension headaches

[Markclo1]

Hi, i grew up in a dysfucntional family and have been no contact with my father for 2 years now, my sister for around 6 months. My sister is the golden child i am the scapegoat, my father is an abusive man who grew up in a dysfunctional family of his own. I have my own family now and geographically live far from my family of origin. As a consqeuence of the environment I grew up in i developed anxiety and specifically very bad tension headaches as a teenager. I have been in and out of counselling over the years which has been very helpful and i have a very supportive wife and family now. I am in a much healthier place in my life than i once was. However, i cant seem to get rid of these tension headaches that i am experiencing. some days they can still be really bad. I seem to live with this anxiety on a daily basis, and most days its not too bad, but here and there, i can just have a really bad day. Have other people experienced this reaction before to your dysfunctional family dynamics, i would be glad to hear of any similar experiences or treatment that has helped you?

[T-dog]

Hello Markclo1,

I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing these headaches. I too experience a lot of tension in my head, neck and shoulders. I grind my teeth too and have done since childhood.

The main thing I find helpful is massage, stretching and exercises. If you find you tense up your shoulders when stressed it can affect all the other muscles above as well. I have a massage gun as my partner's hands aren't up to the heavy duty massage requirements of my knotted shoulder muscles! And gentle massage of the muscles around the skull can be really nice too. The muscles at the base of the skull and the jaw muscles above the ears are ones I find are often tender.

I wear a dental splint at night, it doesn't stop me grinding my teeth but does prevent wearing them down, and relieves the tension and headaches a little. They're not cheap but if you think you might be grinding your teeth then it's a worthwhile investment.

One other thing that you may be experiencing is occipital neuralgia where the nerves running up the back of your head get irritated. I found that a few stretches were enough to help with this (plenty of videos on you tube, I like the one with 'Annie Pilates Physical Therapist).

This might also seem really obvious but taking a moment every now and then just to notice if you're tense and to try to change your posture or relax those muscles can be helpful. So many times I am supposedly 'relaxing' and I notice that I'm randomly tensing my leg or neck or something, I have to actively relax if that makes sense?

Hope some of this is helpful, if all else fails then I take some painkillers. Sometimes you just need to get stuff done and can't do it properly if you're in pain.

Al the best, T-Dog

[Markclo1]

Thanks, yes those things are helpful. I have been taking the time to excercise daily which has been good for my mental health . The stretches for occipital neuralgia look interesting, i will definitely look into those. I had never heard of that before.
It would also be helpful for me to hear that others have experienced anxiety as a result of their family dyanmics and id be interested to hear how that has affected them physically. Growing up i thought i was going crazy and I didnt undertand at all why the tension headaches were happening? Now through counselling and different things ive read there seems an obvious connection between my headaches and all the dysfucntion, abuse and heratbreak i grew up around my family. Incidentally my father had 2 siblings who both committed suicide so that tellls you something about his family

[T-dog]

Oh, sorry yes I have also experienced these things due to a dysfunctional family environment. I would get a lot of stomach aches and headaches as a child (I would pretty much get ignored when I mentioned them, childhood emotional neglect from a uNPD mother). I was always sick, have a history of allergies and asthma and I realised that I also had panic attacks from the age of about 4, I think these were sometimes mistakenly viewed as asthma attacks. Anxiety was my constant friend, it was certainly more reliable than my family and, in a way sometimes got me the (medical) attention I really needed. I still really struggle with it sometimes, and it was made much worse by my first, very harmful, therapist. I experienced a reenactment of my past with him, he behaved a lot like my mum, and I had such chronic and intense anxiety that I lost a load of weight as I had diarrhoea for about 3 months. Apologies if that is too much information, but I think it's an important indicator of generalised anxiety and hypervigilance, at least I know that now 

I guess through experience that I have learnt to really listen to my physical symptoms as they are usually trying to tell me something, either conscious or unconscious. I think it does get easier to manage when you can say stuff like 'oh I'm feeling anxious, it must be because at this time of year I would usually be trying to manage family dynamics, dysfunctional relationships or xxx (insert anxiety-inducing thing here)'. And then if possible you can seek support from a partner or do something that helps you feel safe and secure. Does any of that make sense?

I noticed as well that my mother cannot tolerate me even saying the word 'anxiety' she will change the subject instantly. I think parents are able to project onto their children the things that they cannot themselves tolerate. I would guess that a lot of my childhood anxiety is my mother's unprocessed feelings being projected onto me. I probably wouldn't have believed it before therapy but there is some psychological logic to it. I hate that it takes so much work for us all to undo it and to occasionally feel safe. I hope you can find some moments of peace and security.

[Markclo1]

Thanks i can really relate to what you shared about your mum. My mother has always been a very insecure and anxious person partly because of the way my dad treated her. She would definitely project those feelings on to me. Growing up she would yell and scream a lot, even over innocous things. I would never know from one day to the next how she would react to something. She would scream, yell somtimes even throw things, say negative things even about my appearance...then when she calmed down she would apologise and tell me she didnt mean any of it. When I first began experiencing anxiety i really thought there was sometihng wrong with me, infact my family reinfoced those feelings by telling me i needed help and they had no idea why i would be dealing with headaches and anxiety, and that it had nothing to do with them...

[NarcKiddo]

Check out the book "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van Der Kolk. It's all about physical manifestations of trauma experiences. I am currently reading "When The Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress" by Gabor Mate which is interesting too, but I have only just started it.

I have discovered that physical symptoms are common among those who have had stressful life experiences, and sometimes they appear as if out of nowhere.

Personally, I have:

Chronic muscle tension around shoulders and neck. Have had this since my early teens.
Grinding teeth at night.
Reduced lung function due to narrowing of the small airways. The consultant could find no reason for this - but it is apparently quite common among people with a history of trauma and is possibly caused by consistently shallow breathing.
Noticeably reduced Heart Rate Variability given my current fitness levels (I was surprised when I checked this out for fitness purposes)
A horribly high heart rate while sleeping (again I was surprised as I am physically fit and my resting heart rate during the day is much lower).
I had to have my gallbladder out due to gallstones earlier this year. This may or may not be stress-related but probably is to some extent.

Plus a few minor bits and pieces that are likely stress related.

I have certainly found exercise helps. Massage, too. I've been having that for years due to the tight shoulders. I recently discovered that ear acupuncture can apparently help with stress and as my massage therapist offers it I am giving it a go. Also deep breathing. My therapist suggested I try meditation to reduce stress but I simply can't do it. So I have found an app for deep breathing that is related to Heart Rate Variability biofeedback. As this gives me useful feedback I can apply to my fitness interests also I do it. My lung function has improved a little in the few months I have been doing it. Not a lot, but noticeably.

[Markclo1]

Thanks, i will check out the books you mentioned. And thanks for the replies, its good to know that there are others who have experienced similar physical symptoms to myself.

[Hattie]

I get migraines which apparently are quite closely associated with PTSD. I agree with the advice on stretching,  massage etc. I also take triptan medication when I sense a migraine coming on. It really helps

[Cascade]

I started having tension headaches and occasional migraines shortly after marrying my PD husband. It wasn't until years later that I connected the two things.