Difficult situation with BPD parent

[Norri23]

Hi All,
I'm new to the forum and I'm glad to have found it, because this really seems like a very supportive community.

I've been dealing with some serious problems with my BPD parent, who I am also living with. Ever since I made the mistake in expressing that I want to move out (mind you I'm in my late 20s) they have been causing arguments and attacking me verbally on a daily basis.

It's very difficult to deal with the guilt trips and the way they always spin the story to victimise themselves.

Something that has been happening a lot lately.. is the fact that they are bringing up some particular events from the past that upset them and hurt their feelings, but that I already apologised for and we had already put behind us. These things are being very blown out of proportion and used to basically undermine my confidence and make me feel guilty and just horrible.

I'm not really sure how to deal with this without letting it get to me. It's very hard to not let them get in my head and convince me that I'm actually in the wrong in some way. I guess this is gaslighting and it's very difficult to defend myself from it.

They have also become more and more anxious. Whenever I leave the house, I receive multiple texts and if I don't answer by accident, they make up stories about how something must've happened and start telling others how worried they are about me :/
It's just very upsetting that they can't give me some space and personal freedom due to their over the top anxiety.

They also start arguments, screaming and shouting out of nowhere... for seemingly no reason and making me question my own sanity as though it's my fault that, for example they can't find something in the kitchen..

It's very difficult for me to talk about all this. I really appreciate you guys being here and reading, even though I know I'm not really properly opening up.. because it's so hard to talk..

I'm wondering what others have done in my situation and what actually worked? I don't actually want to cut off contact. I want to have a relationship that is better than what is currently happening, starting with moving out. But I'm just not sure if this is possible...
I really need some advice!

Thank you so much all <3

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi and welcome! Moving out seems like a excellent thing for you, for every reason. As far as having a better relationship goes, well that's really only 50% you. It's such a shame that your parent responds to a very very normal and healthy desire for independence with all of these abusive tactics. And they are abusive. This quite naturally only makes moving out more and more imperative for you! It also directly undermines the relationship the parent is afraid of losing. That's too bad for them.

You are 50% of the relationship, but your perspective and wants get to matter more to you than your parent's. You are not moving out to hurt him/her, but it's still okay to do it even if they don't like it. This is called the 51% rule. Have you looked around the Toolbox part of the website as well as the forum? There's so much eye-opening and immediately useful information there. Best wishes and see you around!

[goldtracedcloud]

Hi Norri, I know how awful it can be to experience this type of treatment when all you wish for is to have some normal, healthy love and support to turn to.  I am a big fan of popular YouTuber Dr. Ramani's DEEP acronym for interacting with all types of difficult people.  She has a video on it if you ever have a chance to look it up, it stands for: don't Defend, don't Engage, don't Explain, and don't Personalize.  You want to engage with the insanity or guilt trips as a little as possible when they start up and try not to feed into them, don't give them much reaction.  When I lived with my BPD parent, not reacting to them at all would typically cause them to storm off and lock themselves in their room. I'd then proceed to go on enjoying my day and ignoring them as best as possible.  But, should your parent escalate in order to get a response from you, try to stay calm, be non-reactive, and be prepared to leave the house or call law enforcement if their behavior becomes unsafe.

With the texting (same for calls), I think you should create some parameters that YOU are comfortable with and stick with them.  Maybe that would be letting them know you won't be texting when you're busy doing other things, like during your work day.  Or maybe saying you'll check in once or call/text at a set time.  Tell them you won't be responding to texts or calls outside of those times unless they are emergencies.  One thing I happen to do with in-laws is tell them that I keep do not disturb on my phone to reduce my screen time (true fact anyways). If they start making up fake emergencies, then I just wouldn't respond unless it's within whatever parameters you set. 

Setting boundaries can be a rocky road and there are no guarantees in how they will respond to them, but it's the only way to even have a chance at having a relationship with them that is healthier for you.  Try your best to be consistent with whatever boundaries you set, but be patient with yourself and don't beat yourself up if you feel you've slipped up or don't feel like you said or did the perfect thing.  Their reactions say nothing about you, but everything about the BPD person's mental state and you are ultimately not responsible for how they think and feel. 

I also want to recommend looking up another therapist on YouTube named Patrick Teahan if you have the chance - specifically, look up his roleplays.  He gives some examples of how to interact with PD people including people with BPD, and always contrasts them with an example of what an interaction with a healthy parent/person would look like.  I find them really helpful to watch! 

Wishing you luck with your future move and preserving your sanity with this BPD parent!  Remember that however they act is not your fault.  You deserve understanding, peace, and respect.