Anyone Else Notice....

[FiveForFighting]

the lack of commitment to any type of action/task/decision by uPD individual when engaging on a daily basis. The more I pay attention to our daily relationship and  engagement, the more I notice this characteristic. I think goes hand in hand with gaslighting and attempt to sow discord. Case in point..... dinners. Simple enough, right? But for me and my daughter, its an extremely painstaking and emotional endeavor due to my uPDw lack of commitment to choose.  I have attempted to meal plan, but nothing sticks due to my wife's oscillating dieting process and view on food. She wont commit to a plan. I believe she deliberately wont decide what she wants to have for dinner so that she has an avenue to gaslight when I get home from the grocery store. I do all the shopping except for an occasional pick up order. When I ask, or push to get her to commit to something she'll always come up with "im hungry and there's no food here" Ok.. well what would  you like to eat or what would you like to get/make? "I dont know" is her response. She also will not respond to text messages regarding dinner while I am standgin in the store staring at the shelves becuase I dont know what to bring home because I know I am going to get flamed for what I dont buy and what I do buy isnt what she wants. This always leads to the whole "you dont consider me"  and "I sit around this house all day and I only want some food" discussion. I want to be helpful and I want to provide and I dont do anything out or social or go anywhere so there is nothing for her to complain about except these normal daily tasks. Seems so silly as I sit here and share this but I have openly wept sitting in my vehicle dealing with this ridiculous issue. Wondering if any of my friends have seen this play out in their daily lives. Thanks all.

[notrightinthehead]

Yep, the daily joy of living with a PD.  I bet you tried to let her do the grocery shopping. Having her make a list.  You probably tried every reasonable approach you could think of and here you are.  So the best advice I can come up with is,  accept your reality as it is.  Your poor wife will often be hungry and find nothing to eat. Check out medium chill for how to respond to the reproach. As for yourself and your child,  plan a menu and shop accordingly. Your wife is welcome to partake or organize her own meal if she does not like what you have.

[escapingman]

Absolutely relating to this. I did all the shopping, she always complained about the food bought or not bought. In the end I stopped buying anything for her and she had to buy her own food, which she did and was the same every day for 5 years until we separated. Same when going out for a meal, went to the place where all restaurants were - Italian, Chinese, Thai, Steakhouse, burger place and pizza joint. All rejected. Then when I just picked one of them cause I was hungry she got a fit because I picked the wrong one (of all the rejected ones).

Remember, whatever you do it will be wrong if she decides that's the game she is going to play.

[square]

I totally understand. The double bind is an awful thing.

The key to defeating the double bind is not easy, but it is possible to acheive over time and practice.

The thing that trips you up is this feeling that there is a "right" action, and that you not figuring out the "right" action makes you inadequate in some way. So you are carrying this burden.

Your wife wants you to carry this burden. Whether she is sadistically setting you up or unconsciously using you as a scapegoat to offload her feelings, I don't know. But every load of groceries you bring, every meal you make, is the right one for her because what she wants isn't whatever is or isn't going on her plate. 

I think the first step is to resign yourself to it. She is going to react abusively no matter what you get. So no matter if you get A or B or C, same result.

So pick A or B or C based on another metric, one that fits you. Pick what you want, or what your kid likes, or pick based on what's healthy, or what was on sale. Bring it home and know your choice made sense. Your wife makes no sense but you do.

Next, in your own mind, give the burden back to her. You don't say anything like that, you just shrug off her attacks knowing she is a nut and you aren't.

When she is going off, stop focusing on you and what you did or didn't or coulda woulda shoulda, and focus on hiw absurd her behavior is.

Start asking yourself if she tries hard enough to please you. When is the last time she was truly thoughtful? How much time does she spend standing on her head to get things right for you?

As a crutch, while you are trying to change yourself, amuse yourself by predicting what she'll say and give yourself kudos when you guess right. You want to stop thinking about her reactions eventually but that's hard, so first change the rules inside yourself so her reactions mske you feel stronger, not weaker. The nuttier she gets, the calmer you get. You are self assured about your excellent dinner choices while she has little else going on but to play these silly games.

Or, start by feeling pleased that she had so much to complain sbout - you did a great job at the store and you brought home exactly what she wanted - a chance to play this game she loves. You are a great spouse.

Look, I know it's hard, but I know it is possible to change how you think, at least somewhat, because I've made some changes in my thinking over time.

[losingmyself]

Exactly what square just said times two!
If you practice this in your mind, it will slowly become a regular thought. It's not even something you have to declare out loud! Then one day when she's having a fit about the great meal you brought home and prepared for your family, you'll just think "Sounds like a YOU problem" and enjoy your meal. I often think that it's sad for them that they can't just enjoy something with their family, but that's not your fault, and it doesn't mean that you can't!
You got this!