death hoover

[bee well]

 After some months of processing an ongoing, very unpleasant situation with my MIL, compounded by other life events (that update would be for another thread), I recently  received a "death hoover" from the head uN of my FOO, with whom DH and I have been in NC for an extended time.  Separate stories that have defined the last part of 2022.

So, not long ago a message was sent  to let us know that a dear relative, with whom I had lost contact, collaterally, in the story of my decision to go  NC with FOO, had died.

This message from the head uN.  arrived to my DH: "Would you tell your wife that so and so has died." No other details.

My relatives have my contact info so the triangulation doesn't go unnoticed. Why not contact me? There is no reason to bring my DH into this. He has never met the deceased.

It's not the first time messages have been sent to  to DH, and not to me.

Not only did my relative wait days to send this notification (the memorial, if there was any, is likely passed, no publication of that) but the relative sent the message on the anniversary of  tragic event in which I was involved and which also occurred on an important holiday in our culture.

No messages at all from other relatives, formal or otherwise.

I know many who loved this relative are  grieving this loss and so contacting me would not likely be on their radar.

On the other hand I have a feeling some in my FOO are jockeying for their "relative"  positions in the family hierarchy.

That aside, what is the motivation of said relative contacting my DH and not me? To cause discord? Obtain supply? Some other BS? I don't know but it stands out to me that, other than gossip/garden variety hoovering, (the last one accompanied by an ultimatum) the person communicating the bad news  has not  contacted us since the event that led to NC. After so much time, I cannot come to the conclusion that we matter to these people in any meaningful way.

And quite frankly, neither DH nor I wish to resume contact.

We responded to the announcement of the newly deceased's person's passing  with courteous condolences, out of respect.
That was followed immediately by a monosyllabic message of thanks on the part of the uN relative/notifier.

If messages arrive to my DH in the future I am thinking of respectfully asking DH to communicate that they be discontinued.  On one hand I do not want  to provide supply by making "don't" announcements, and perhaps it's best just to go back to not responding to the hoovers, but this feels like a boundary violation I don't want to continue

For now I have decided to just take things one at a time.

All of this is not surprising, but I can see it for what it is and all I can say is ugh, how pathetic.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi, sorry you had to go through this.

My take on NPD's they will never miss an opportunity to inflict emotional pain. They need us, they need the thought they have caused us pain. They want us to contact them so they can either ignore the contact or give us more emotional pain.

Wishing you a happy and NPD free 2023.

[Srcyu]

It's some other BS. This relative, even during the loss of an important family member, cannot let go of the behaviour that led you to sever all ties to begin with.

Basically he is saying, ' you decided to go no contact so I'm going to swerve round you and pretend your husband is willing to communicate with me instead.'
He knows that the news will hit you hard. He has absolutely nothing to offer you in that regard. By messaging your husband and not you, he is confirming the narrative that you are the outlier.
Hopefully you husband can block him soon because yes, it's pathetic.

[bee well]

Thanks for your replies.

IntheDragon'sDen,

What you wrote here stands out: "They need us, they need the thought they have caused us pain. They want us to contact them so they can either ignore the contact or give us more emotional pain."

Otherwise, why not just refrain from all of it? Wouldn't occasions like the death of a loved one be the time to do so, in the name of civility? It boggles my mind how long some people continue the games,

Windmill,

What you wrote here,  I believe, is quite accurate:

"Basically he is saying, ' you decided to go no contact so I'm going to swerve round you and pretend your husband is willing to communicate with me instead.'
He knows that the news will hit you hard. He has absolutely nothing to offer you in that regard. By messaging your husband and not you, he is confirming the narrative that you are the outlier."

Mnnnn...right, I have noticed this relative do the same when other personal relationships of theirs fell apart, within the family and elsewhere. They would go on as if the part of the couple that was problematic, in their eyes, did not exist, and continue to contact the other party in a way that I would say is inordinately generous and frequent, for lack of better words. Not only is this triangulating, potentially divisive, and very intrusive, it's a way to emphasize that the "other person" is  the outlier.

That's a lot of BS.

I don't know if it's possibile to be pd free but the sooner one is able to spot the behaviour the easier it might be to move towards a more peaceful life.

That's what I want for all of us.