Kids in the mix, heartbroken

[OnwardUpward]

       It's been a long time since I posted anything here, but I do turn to this forum when things get difficult and I appreciate all of the support everyone here has for one another.  It has helped tremendously over the years and has guided a lot of my decision-making and the work I've done on myself and in my relationships. 
       I think I know the answers to the questions I have, but I'm just reaching out for support. 

       We moved to the state my uBPD sis lives in about 10 years ago to be close to her and my nephew (now two nephews).  They are the little loves of my life.  Her life has been chaos for most of this time and the boys practically lived with us for much of this time (sleep overs several nights a week).  I adore them and we are extremely close.  Well, we were.  She had entered a spiral in November of last year relating to a relationship she was in that was ending and other life things going on.  I stopped by her house one day to pick something up and she lost her mind out of nowhere.  My mom was there (sis is the GC) and witnessed one of her rages for the first time in years.  (Being the SG, I'm the one who causes all of the problems according to them, but this was completely out of the blue and really intense.  Honestly I was relieved it happened because I was able to remain calm and our mother was there to witness it).  She was shrieking that I never helped her with anything, I never changed a diaper (her kids are older now, and I most definitely did change their diapers as babies - how do you baby sit multiple days a week and not change diapers?), that she hated me, she's always hated me, etc.   I left and I kept my distance from her after that.  I texted her a few days after saying that I wasn't mad, and I was sorry she was struggling.  She raged at that saying I was judging her and it went on and on.  I stopped texting after that, but she still texted here and there.  An offer to dog-sit (she's never dog-sat for me).   A happy birthday text saying "Happy Birthday.  Shame we can't seem to see eye-to-eye."  Just no accountability for anything, no apology. 
         In March she reached out randomly asking for something of mine.  I had offered to give this item to her a couple years ago thinking she could use it but she said she didn't want it.  This time when she asked for it she didn't just ask to borrow it - she stated it had been hers all along (almost 20 years) and now "I want it back.  I have no idea why you think it's yours."  She sent several texts like this and I didn't respond.  I've been working on my own healing for years and I have gotten to a point where I feel calm and do not have a need to respond to everything, if anything at all. 
        The reality is, I'd never said "no" to her until now.  After days of texts, I responded that the item is mine, if she needs one she should go buy one and please don't ask me again.  She kept going.  I said if she continued I would block her.  She continued, so I blocked her.   I just needed a break because I had a lot going on in my own life and didn't need the inevitable days of text harassment that was surely going to follow.
        She immediately started texting my husband how awful I am and how this item "is mine and you know it."  (I had it before I even met him).  And then she messaged me on Facebook saying "since you clearly never learned empathy let me spell it out for you.  I never want to see you again and you're not to see the boys anymore either."  I told her if she continued to harass me (or showed up at my house, because this is what she does) we'd get a restraining order.  Then I blocked her there too.
       
        My question is... and again, I think I know the answer.  My relationship with my nephews, considering their ages, is out of my control, isn't it?  I don't want anything to do with her but they are collateral damage.  I saw one nephew several weeks ago (I haven't seen them since March) and while the initial shock of seeing each other was joy and overwhelm, suddenly a wash of hurt came over his face.  I can tell he is hurting, and I am devastated that he is hurt.  I have no idea what to do.  I've texted their phone on their birthdays (they have their own phone that they share).  I have face-timed once with them when they were at their Dad's (my relationship with him has always been strained because of my uBPD sis's cheating, using us to see the boys when it was his time to have them and we were babysitting for him.  Honestly, I did WAY too much for her and I see all of that now).   
 
       I am just heartbroken.  I'm an adult, and I have my own support system, coping skills, etc.  I've been through a lot and I know that I can get through this.  But I feel terrible for them and I hope they don't think that I abandoned them.  I also don't want them to be used as pawns in a relationship that has been terrible since long before they were ever born.  It's a new low for her and I don't think I can ever move on from it and have a relationship with her again.  And, at the end of the day, they are her kids.  Life has been so peaceful without her in it, I don't want to go back.  But I know that part of that choice is also losing them. 

[LemonLime]

Oh OnwardUpward,
How heartbreaking.  I will let others offer wisdom.   I can only say how sorry I am you're going through this.   I have a sister who sounds pretty much the spitting image of yours, and it was 3 years ago that she raged at me in front of my codependent mom and dad.   They were shocked, sort of, though she has raged at THEM before.  It was the first time it had all been directed at me.  She's 50.  She screamed at me that I'm entitled and always have been and that I treat her like my personal servant.
But of course my parents are willing to pretend it never happened.  And I'm not.  I responded much the same way you did with your sis.   I was calm and cool.

  It sounds like your sister is majorly projecting.   Doesn't know empathy?  It's her that doesn't know empathy.
Aren't they the most ridiculous people?

In my case it's me who has children and her who doesn't.  It's been tricky but I don't keep my kids from her (they're 16 and 19).
I believe your sister's kids will one day "get it" and know their aunt is perfectly sane and loving.  But the pain meanwhile is significant.

[bloomie]

OnwardUpward - my heart goes out to you and your precious nephews. I am just so sorry that your stabilizing presence is no longer in their lives.

Having been in the same position with an addicted, out of control brother who finally went too far and became physically violent and we parted ways, I can relate to the grief that comes from losing my own nephews and niece at a critical time in their lives. We had no way to stay in contact and I can only imagine what they have been told about us. All I do know is that my brother blames me for his entire life falling apart. Not the drugs, infidelities, inability to hold down a job... somehow it was me that broke his life.

It is understandable that children will be loyal to their parents. And when the narrative they have been raised in is that we destroyed their family and mistreated their father, I do not have any hopes that even if they see their father for who he is, they will circle back to people who have done nothing but show them tender love and acceptance. My brother is the kind of man who would immediately cut off anyone who didn't choose him in a conflict. He can be very cruel and incredibly emotionally manipulative. That is a lot to overcome for my niece and nephews. I would never want them to be put in a tough position, so I have kept my distance.

What I can do, what I continue to do, is pray for them, their lives, their success and wholeness, and I send loving thoughts and great care to them the only way I can. It has to be enough. It is the way I continue to support them.

Sending you wisdom and strength. Your story may be different than mine. There may come a time you can reconnect, but until then I am just so sorry for the void this leaves in all of your lives.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

My heart also goes out to you OnwardUpward, and I send you all my support.

I am no expert and have no crystal ball, but while still young I think the relationship with our sibling's kids is likely to be influenced by their parents. Sometimes I think those with PD can look for their kids to validate them, and the kids feel like they must oblige. It can be how they identify with their role in their family. As they get older and gain more independence, my hope is that they may arrive at their own ideas and the door remains open. 

I think the best we can do is remain calm and stay the course that has shown to bring peace in our lives. I do not think we can control what other people think of us. We can however control our own thoughts and how we chose to live our life. I have been No Contact with my sister four years, and she has three kids who I have not seen since then. It is a loss and a heartbreak, but one I did not choose. In the last conversation with my sister, she said similar to what your sister told you. I was told my niece and nephews "were her kids, not mine." I was told I never loved her kids. I was informed I had no place in their life. The disdain in her voice sounded barely human. I felt like she was using her kids to hurt me. She gets to win.

I think the best thing is to take care of your own wellbeing. You can always keep a warm place open in your heart for these relationships to once again be part of your life.

[OnwardUpward]

Thank you so much for the replies, it really helped to read them.

Blueberry Pancakes - I'm sorry you went through something so similar.  I will always keep the door open for them, that's for sure.  Thank you for the reply.

Bloomie - I feel the same way about never wanting them to be put in a tough position.  It's been hard enough for them having her as their mom, it is constant chaos - hatred for their dad, suicide threats, men in and out of their lives, drugs, etc.  But I don't have any control over any of that.  I used to rush over there (she lives 2 minutes away) when any of her boyfriends would call about her threatening to hurt herself and I'd hold her while she cried, wait until she calmed down, and would take the kids to my house or for a drive so she could calm down.  She used to exchange the kids with her ex at our house because things would get violent if they were alone with each other and just the kids.  I used to watch them at the drop of a hat, any time of day or night, if she needed a sitter.  I rearranged my work schedule many, many times to accommodate her.  Then to be told I never did anything for her?  It's clearly untrue, but still so shocking to hear her even attempt to say that.   I regret doing as much as I did for her, but not the time I got to spend with them. 

Lemon Lime - I think what triggered my emotions right now is similar to what you said about your parents.  My mom was there for the incident that preceded all of this.  She raged at my mom too and kicked her off of her property (the house my mom just bought for her, but that's a whole other story).  Now my mom is pretending nothing happened.  I had told her she told me I wasn't allowed to see the boys anymore and she said "oh, she didn't mean that" and brought them to my house.  This was in March, and that's the last time I saw both of them together (saw one a little while ago that I mentioned in the original post).  My mom stopped by the other day (she is visiting from out of town).  We had very surface level conversations over tea.  She mentioned my nephews towards the end and what they want for Christmas and I just lost it.  I just started sobbing and said I couldn't talk about them.   She did nothing.. not that I expected her to.  No word of comfort, no acknowledgement that I was even upset.  She mentioned something about a shirt, something else unrelated (like a comment about food or something) and waited for me to "get over it" I guess.  She left shortly after.  Still no mention of me being completely ostracized from my only family where we live.  I am devastated.  I've never had a very good relationship with her as my sister is the GC and I am the SG.  A part of me would like to have no contact with her either.  What even is the point?  I am so lost.   But I have the life of my dreams outside of all of that. 

Thank you all for the replies.  I really needed to read what you all had to say. 

[JenniferSmith]

Children are at the mercy of their parents in situations like this, sadly.  This is how the effects of PDs ripple through the generations and extended family.  Focus on what you can control, which is to hold your nephews in your thoughts, maintain an open heart to them, know that you will always be there for them when you have an opportunity, and grieve the loss and pain that your sister's actions inflict on everyone in this situation.

If you feel like you need to do something more concrete, you could perhaps do something like set up a little savings account for them, and put in a bit of money on their birthdays or Christmas., with the plan of gifting that to them when they are over 18. You could write them a note in a birthday card, or Christmas, and just hold onto those until they are older.

It might feel like a very long time, but at some point they won't children anymore and they'll be able to form their own assessment of their family dynamics. But that is a bit of cold comfort I'm sure.    In my family, I have nieces/nephews who I don't even know if they know I exist, as they were born after my sibs and I relationships fell apart. If they know I exist, I am certain that I am painted as a worthless loser.  I find myself wondering if any of them will ever try to find me when they get into their 20's. I'm sure it would be a different type of pain if I had formed the connection and then my sibs took them away, but regardless, this is the type of pain that we have to learn to bear, by giving ourselves grace and realizing it is not in our control.

[bunnie]

I'll add my experience to this type of heartbreak. We have been in my sister's kids' lives since their birth. As of today I have not hugged the kids who spent at least half their lives with me in 3 years. Your sister knows how much you love her kids (your nephews). and is no doubt getting pleasure from your pain and her boys' pain.

After the fake argument my sister started (and I finished), I made a two-year's long effort a couple times per month to heal things. But being the child that she is at 40+ she is getting a sick,twisted pleasure at punishing myself and the kids. I remind myself that she and her husband are not getting along with any of their siblings, nieces and nephews and extended family.  The estrangement is hateful and brutal because it is deliberate. At its core is a sick jealousy that is despicable.

My sister and b-i-l have embarked on a smear campaign that, while initially very shocking, is also completely ludicrous to anyone who knows me. This type of person wants you to grovel and beg "forgiveness" so every bit of dignity is extracted from your soul. It's a tough decision to choose your well-being when you love the children so closely involved.

Yes, for the most part it is out of your control. I have kept cards that I hope to give the kids someday. I'm also committed to keeping an open heart in the event that they come around someday.

Hang in there. Many know what you're going through and are rowing the same boat as you.

[goldtracedcloud]

I am experiencing similar heartbreak thanks to PD siblings.  All these stories sound all too familiar.  I sometimes wonder if it would have been better to have never been in their lives at all with the hurt that their parents have caused, using me and them as pawns.  I'll always grieve for them more than any of the adults.  Letting go is the toughest thing to do.  If I stuck around to endure their parents abuse, I'd only be part of the toxic examples being set for them.  I like to hope that by having boundaries and/or walking away, I may give some of them the courage to do the same one day. 

I still send gifts, as their parents allow.  But I know this is not always possible or wise for everyone, and not even sure whether or not it is something I will continue to do.  I may taper off and reserve gifts for bigger moments in their lives, like graduations or weddings.  Or as others have suggested, reserve funds to aid them in their independence if they ever reach out when they are older.  I like what LemonLime said about there being a chance that the kids will one day "get it" and know that they had/have a loving aunt.  Grieving with you and wishing the best for you & your nephews.