How to enforce a boundary with all this drama?

[findingmypath]

Hi everyone.   Thanks to several people on this forum, I read "Stop Caretaking the Borderline...".   It was extremely eye-opening, and I really loved the last chapters on how to build a life yourself, regardless of the PD dramas.   For the last month or so, I've tried to stick to a few boundaries.   One is, I'm allowed to go out during the day - run errands, visit a friend - and while for politeness sake I inform my u-PD H, I don't need to ask permission or discuss whether I should go, exactly what I'll be doing and why it's today and not another day, etc (the normal 100 questions I get every time I go to the grocery store or pharmacy or whatever).   

I started small, with a jog around the neighborhood (after see jsin's post from several months ago).   Then I started saying things like "I"m going to the grocery store for X", instead of what I would have done before, which is ask, "should I run to the store for X? Do you mind if I run out for a minute?" and then let my PDH decide.   

One of the advices from the book is to stick to your guns, in spite of the drama.   This is where I'm starting to have problems.  Yesterday I was invited to a friend's house for a "cooking day" from 9-12.   Previously, knowing the drama being out of my home, and with a friend could cause, I would have said no.   But now I thought, why not?   I want to nurture friendships.  So I said sure.   I came home to a total drama cyclone, which will likely go on for the rest of the week.

Now I'm sitting here wondering if it was really worth it - likely a week of drama, yelling, conflict, aggressiveness - just a for a few hours with a friend.   On the other hand, it's totally ridiculous that I can't spend a few hours with a friend, or that I need it cleared first with uPDh .   How do you all handle the drama that arises when you create and implement a boundary?  How do you stay strong?

[moglow]

Simply put: Sometimes you just have to let people be who they are. You did nothing wrong - you simply changed the way you want to live your life, and went with it. All that drama is his, not yours. You're not responsible for it, neither creating nor nurturing it. That's ALL on him. Leave it there and continue on with your day as usual - whatever you normally do around the house and cooking etc. Rise above and be pleasant as much as you can. And by all means, feel free to leave the room or go outside if it becomes too much for you.

Has he given any reason why he doesn't want you to do things outside the house, why he seems to need you to ask permission?

[notrightinthehead]

 

I also would like to point out that his performance seems to be aimed at isolating you from others.  It's one of the many abuse tactics.

[Gwendolyn]

Hello findingmypath


Glad you checked in to share your progress.  Seems that you are making progress and have a good handle on the dynamics and triggers in your situation.

It isn't easy but you need your friends more than ever and his ott reaction simply shows that he doesn't want you to have outside support.

Tuning them out or not letting them get under our skin is the superpower we are all searching for, isn't it?

In my case I have good success with no JADE and medium chill and my anxiety response is cooling down and being replaced with understanding.  Understanding he can't gelp himself and he hates the idea that I am becoming more autonomous and less deferential to his control-via-threatened-flareups..

Understanding that he has a personality dysfunction and is constantly insecure and worried about everything from world news to perceived slights from neighbors.  Understanding he is always keeping score and keeping track of me and my movements and activities.

Understanding I can only change myself and my reactions to him. 

All to say you are at the start of making improvements in your life   adding more spice and variety...for  YOU !!

Can you endure the blowback is the current question.  The question 90 days from now is did you endure it and continue to develop your own autonomy or will you be in the same place or worse?

A question I often ask myself and it motivates me to keep building my network, stay in good shape,  eat well and work on my own personal growth by learning more about FOG and my C-ptsd etc.  I have been doing my best to be a loving partner for so long with so little appreciation that I have accepted a lot of things that are not actually beneficial to me. 

This journey Out of the FOG will take some time.  But the time goes by anyway, and that's the best reason to work on ourselves despite the rants and pushback.

Our future needs more of US and our dreams and less of the captured housewife vibe. Amirite?!?!

 

Let's make 2023 a year of positive experiences and personal growth and let's also celebrate our successes.  We are moving in a healthy direction for US.  We are at least as important as them or the relationship.  I mean: The relationship isn't more important than US.  Our uPDh isn't more important than US.

You are right to feel indignation about him clamping down on your activities.  Trust your gut on that one and keep your courage up.

Sending encouragement.

Gwendolyn

[findingmypath]

Thank you each of you for your responses and encouragement.   

Mo - there is no reason for anything.   I've quit trying to figure it out because it's not rational, logical, reasonable.   He can get mad for situation A today, and if I do B tomorrow, he's also mad about that.   Regarding life outside the house - this has gone on since we dated (!!!!).   Possessiveness?  Control?  Jealousy?  I really don't know.   But he has never liked me being gone one minute longer than I absolutely need to be.   And since the very beginning of our relationship, I tried to accommodate this behavior.  I limited and lost friendships.  I lost hobbies and activities.   I don't participate in much, usually because it just seems to create too much drama at home.   

But now I think that attitude was really a mistake.   Honestly, he's unhappy regardless.   And I want to have a bit more full life.   

So now I hear everyday that family and marriage and home is not important to me.  I don't love him or care about him.   I'm killing him because I'm making him sad.   Etc.   It's really difficult.   I've put a lot of work into creating a family and home, raising our daughter, and obviously those things are important to me.   But that doesn't mean that that's the ONLY thing that defines me as a person.   

NRITH - this is an isolating tactic.   I'm trying to keep my eyes open to what is happening.  I know he is trying to isolate me.   No friends.  Super difficult to see family.   Even work is getting harder and harder to do given the situation at home.

Gwen - thank you for your super kind words of encouragement.   Knowing other people are going thru the same journey and struggles - and finding success - really helps!   I know I have to take excellent care of myself in order to survive and live in my current situation, and that means building friendships and interests without the BP.

Anyway - thanks again all.  I"m trying to rise above and be as pleasant as I can.

[notrightinthehead]

Findingmypath you might want to read the book "Why does he do that? " into the mind of controlling men by Bancroft. It was an eye opener for me.