Self-Sabotage

[no1schild]

Hello all,
I've posted a couple of times and have read nearly everything on this forum. I never feel equipped to offer any insight to others, but so appreciate the validation you all offer one another through shared struggles.

I have read everything I can find to try to understand narcissism at its core. Something in me must believe that if I can understand my MIL's mindset, I can somehow be free. But I always find myself going two steps forward, three steps back.

She checks every box for being a narcissist. She's called me ungrateful, crazy, fragile and overly sensitive, always invalidated my feelings. She's purposely and overtly "failed" to invite me to events she plans with my two SILs (one is "Switzerland" and one is a flying monkey, golden child type). She has scapegoated us relentlessly, ran smear campaigns, told us she does not respect us or our choices as parents. She pretends to be this God-loving charitable woman, but she abhors any person in the group she deems "other." If someone has something, she has to have the better version, and two of them. Her whole life is about her experiences, her travels, her likes and dislikes. It's like the rest of us sit at home and stare at a wall until she wills us to perform in her skit. I could go on and on, but I'll just say, she checks all the boxes.

 There has been so much pain for my H and me and others dragged in as well. Things were at their worst about five years ago, when I began defending myself and my husband (the latter of which seemed to make her the most volatile). For awhile I felt alone and resentful that I was our voice box, and there was strain in our marriage. I've come to understand my H did what he could with the tools he had at the time, and he has come far now. And that a strain would be exactly what she had attempted to manifest. Quickly, when she began to see how United my h and I actually are, I became ostracized. My MIL tried very hard to "keep my husband and our kids" while leaving me behind, at which point my husband did begin to speak. He had to when he was told he "had to choose between HIS FAMILY" and me (as if the two are different?). He made it clear that his choice would be simple and it wouldn't be her...we have been LC for the past two years, seeing her and my FIL (flying monkey, very compliant who once advised me, "It's simple to get along with her...just agree with everything she says"). We only interacted at holidays and our children's birthdays even though we are less than ten miles apart. These times were awkward, uncomfortable, and felt forced (at least to me). For awhile she tried to engage more and we resisted until she somehow maneuvered it to look like it was her choice, therefore discarding us.

I will also add that in all this time, I received one "apology". Via text: "I'm sorry for all of the pain I've caused you". This was five years after the fact and out of nowhere with my VLC status at the time. I asked if she was okay. Dumb I know, but the last person who sent me a random text like that was the man who raised me, and then he committed suicide shortly after. She said "yes, I am just trying to get closer to God." I took that to me it really had nothing to do with me, any love she had for me, any wishes to reconcile. It was really about easing her own guilt and checking a box that she is good with God (she also believes Armageddon is coming very soon). After that, I didn't respond. She did not apologize for anything specific, which makes me realize she has zero understanding or care to understand the depths of the anguish she has caused me. She didn't think it worthy of a verbal apology. And, she has NEVER apologized to my husband in the slightest.

I have suffered greatly in every way. My mental, physical, and spiritual health. I have lost a pregnancy in the midst, sought therapy, and changed medications. I've taken the same meds for 20 years to treat anxiety and depression with success, and all of this made them not enough.

I have perfected the grey rock method. I've read about emotional vampires and understand myself to be an empath. I get that vibe from pretty much everyone who has bore witness on this thread. And so many of you are not only dealing with PD in-laws, but also abuse from your FOO, to which I can also relate.

Despite all of my growing, despite my healing work, despite my improvement with maintaining boundaries, I still find my own inner critic to be the meanest of all.

I still find myself gaslighting myself. Yes, I am highly sensitive. So is she right? I just get offended too easily? Do I give her more credit than she deserves for her manipulation? She's so child-like. Could she really pull some of these tactics off? Am I a cold person? A delusional person? Is my intuition really just a trauma response and not some awareness I've always felt about others' intentions/ energies? And it always ends with...I just don't like me very much. I really am exhausting.

Recently, I felt so exhausted by being a grey rock. And I know that sounds contradictory, but I'm a person of such feeling that it really drains me to suppress, even though I know it's meant to protect me. I'm a nurturer. An introvert, yes, but I care deeply about people. I'm fascinated by their stories and minds and passions. I like to connect with others, in my own way. So grey rock feels so cold to me. It feels dark and painful, and I feel even more alone. And I feel downright furious many times. Even though I know she is baiting me and trying to get a rise, I just so badly want to call her out. I know it wouldn't change her or the situation, but does anyone else here just crave for the truth to hit the air, even if the PD won't believe it? I hate suffocating it.

And yet, my self-sabotage didn't come from lashing out. No, that would have been a different kind of betrayal and perhaps more expected at this point in my life.  It surprises me to realize that this sabotage hurts worse than that would. This time, I have been kind. And it's freaking me the hell out.

It started with a small favor she offered here and a small one there. I accepted and told her I was thankful. Next, I am inviting her to our house, our sanctuary. After which, I had to clean everything with Lysol and sage 

I listened to her blatantly put down causes she knows are important to me, make racist and bigoted remarks, and comment on my husband's weight all without speaking my piece. All of which killed me. She is a chronic talker and in the past, I have literally talked over and interrupted her to defend groups of people who aren't there to defend themselves. Something she is not used to people doing. Most people find it too tiring.

Next thing I know, she's given my husband a large check for our kids' school. She gives it to the other grandkids as well, and I talked myself into thinking this was okay. It is their money and not mine...
Then next she sends a text picture of a birthday gift for my husband and me (three months away), to be delivered next week, and it costs more than anyone should spend on another person in ten birthdays.

And now I receive random texts, as does my husband, about nothing significant throughout the day. She literally has gone 6 months at a time without communicating with me over the past two years, even while I was going through a challenging pregnancy. But now she finds it pertinent to send me a picture of an old pickle jar just because she thought it was cool??

Now I'm sitting here nauseous. I'm adding up all of this love bombing that has taken place over the past WEEK. One week. It's more contact, money, gifts, attention than we have received in years. I should also note that money is her main tool as she has a lot of it and nothing else to offer.  It's always been that way.

H and I had been all but discarded after he finally spoke his piece. And so, it seems, the only thing that has changed in all of this, is my demeanor.

I was barely nice, which was too too nice. I was not a grey enough rock. It's like she had been standing with her ear to the door and her hand on the knob just waiting for me. And little by little, she got her toe in the door, then her foot, then her head with its big, loud mouth.

I'm feeling like I've failed myself. It took everything I had to go LC before and now do I have to figure out how to do it again? I feel how I imagine it might feel to lose two years of sobriety. I am feeling incredibly anxious and sick to my stomach, because all of the hurts from the past live there and I am remembering them in full color. I think I'm trying to remind myself why I went LC in the first place, but I don't like the rumination.

Then in the next beat, I'm telling myself I'm over-reacting and that this is all okay. That I'm more aware now and educated and healthy. I can handle her and keep boundaries and keep myself and family emotionally safe. Then I realize, she can't change, and so old hurts are bound to be born again, because there are principles and values that I can not and will not sacrifice for the sake of being "nice."

So where do I go from here? Have I just jumped back into the narc's cycle of abuse? How do I protect myself at this point? In what universe can the kind of pain she caused be undone in a week? Am I the b*tch here for thinking this is impossible? For thinking it's a lie and that I have no interest in superficial relationships?

One therapist told me "In life, we have some people in the boat with us. Others we just sort of coast along next to." I don't want to have a boat next to her boat though, right? That's still too close and too dangerous, isn't it? And what's the point of being in separate boats? If I trust you, please, be in my boat. If I think you'll hit me over the head with your oar the first chance you get, thanks but no thanks.

[notrightinthehead]

I get from your description that you are not sure if you can keep strong boundaries, maybe not even sure if you can trust yourself to protect yourself when you are in contact with your MIL. You don't feel comfortable when you go into grey rock mode.

That would be my starting point for work on myself. Why would it not be ok for you to employ strategies that will protect you? What message from the past tells you, putting up with abuse is better than removing yourself from it?

I guess the same applies to medium chill? Look deep into yourself and find what  is, that gives you that deep need to connect, even if it is poisonous or impossible.

You know, of course, that it is impossible to change your MIL. So how can you take the focus off her and turn it onto yourself? What you want, what you do, what is good for you?

You mentioned your mean inner critic. What are you doing to counterbalance the meanness? Mindfulness? Positive affirmations? Inner self talk? Thought stop?

Don't despair. Keep on strengthening yourself, continue on the path to healing and hope you take your loved ones with you.

[Leonor]

Hello 1child,

Okay, I'm putting on my black and white striped jersey and referee whistle to call it.

Being in contact with this person is damaging your health, wellbeing, and relationships.

Doesn't matter who it is, or where they live, or who they're related to, or how you met them.

Doesn't matter who you are married to, what you've said, what you think ought to be.


She's not nice to you. That's enough: I don't like her, she's not nice to me.

This isn't someone you have a long history, genetic inheritance, or once-healthy or mutually-rewarding relationship with.

Husband's mom. Husband's problem. She wants to communicate, she communicates with husband. She wants to text. She can text husband.

You stand behind husband. He's your firewall. And if your husband is not a good firewall (as many of our husbands aren't,because their mothers did not raise them to be), then you go be somewhere else.

You are worthy of respect and courtesy and kindness. You deserve to be treated with dignity and goodwill. That's not a tall order. That's the bottom line. That's the behavior you extend to a stranger. That's the least anyone can do!

Do you know this, deep in your heart? Do you feel it in your bones? Does this awareness, this truth, this reality, reside and exprese itself from the depths of your soul?

If you can embrace this truth, that you deserve people to treat you with common kindness and courtesy, then you will feel more comfortable requiring it from others around you. And to simply remove or restrict from your space those who cannot or will not treat you with common kindness and courtesy.

You do not deserve to be tormented, abused, and manipulated by anyone - including your mil!

[NarcKiddo]

First up, you may have done an unwise thing. That's it. That's all. We all do these things.

She is now obviously trying to take full advantage, but why are you scared? You need to ask yourself this - I am not expecting an answer. You've kept her at bay before. What has changed?

For sure there may be some unpleasantness as you reinstate boundaries. Maybe you have to go so far as to refuse the birthday gift. I don't know.

What you have not said is how your husband has reacted to this latest development. Is his reaction contributing to your self doubt? Maybe you need to have a good talk with him on how to go forward from here.

I cannot stop myself from commenting on how well-written your post is. You describe narc behaviour and its craziness so well.

 "It's like the rest of us sit at home and stare at a wall until she wills us to perform in her skit." Hoo boy, I can surely relate.

[moglow]

I was barely nice, which was too too nice. I was not a grey enough rock. It's like she had been standing with her ear to the door and her hand on the knob just waiting for me. And little by little, she got her toe in the door, then her foot, then her head with its big, loud mouth.

There is nothing wrong with simply being nice, being who you are. Just remember she's being who she is too and you still don't have to accept or kowtow to any of that. Tell the gray rock it is still your friend. Be bland, be boring in your responses to her. Or don't respond at all if you choose. She'll survive just fine. She gets mad? Okay. She pushes harder? You can always quietly block her texts, tell DH you simply want nothing to do with her - she's repeatedly hurt him and you, and life is too short for that nonsense. He wants a relationship with her? Fine, he can call or go visit any time he wants.

Nurture and care for the people who nurture and care for you, reach for the people who reach back. Blank her ugliness and use the savings to double up on your own self care.

[treesgrowslowly]

I second everything posted so far. You have done the work. The work involves understanding narcissism (check), understanding your needs (check) understanding your boundaries as healthy (check).

None of that work is ever undone, because once we understand something, it is not as if we go back to not understanding it. None of your hard work is ever 'undone'. I found this message hard to accept as a survivor of narc abuse. It can feel like we've slid back into a situation we wanted to be done with.

You can re-assert boundaries anytime. It is your life. You have the right to say "I'm taking July / August / the rest of 2023 to do things without this person in my life" and that is perfectly valid. They were in our life as a privilege, not a right.

Getting Out of the FOG is a process. It involves cycles, where we might take "one step forward, two steps back". But over time, we are getting out of that FOG. You are making progress, even when it doesn't feel like it.

I totally agree with Leonor - and I wish this point was made largely throughout the culture - His mom, his problem. She is not your 'family'...she is (at most), chosen family - if you choose her.

You married him, not her (and if we had a dollar for every MIL who acts entitled to access to their DIL the moment we say our vows...we'd be rich!).

Yes you let her back into your life and your home. But you can let her back out again.

Burn as much cleansing sage as needed, and be kind to yourself right now. We've all been there where we let someone in, and needed to figure out how to let them back out of our life.

They are not good for us, and the random texts about pickle jars are disorienting you. That is why narcs do this. It disorients us. They disarm us, they disorient us. It is easier to manipulate someone who is disoriented. Let your DH deal with her random texts about pickle jars.

Trees

[Hilltop]

I want you to read what you wrote again "She's called me ungrateful, crazy, fragile and overly sensitive, always invalidated my feelings. She's purposely and overtly "failed" to invite me to events she plans with my two SILs (one is "Switzerland" and one is a flying monkey, golden child type). She has scapegoated us relentlessly, ran smear campaigns, told us she does not respect us or our choices as parents".

Is this type of person kind? Do they add value to your life? Are they taking energy from you? Are they enhancing your life?  We get limited time to live our life, its short.  Is being around this person a good use of that incredibly valuable time you have been given.

You are right in that often we are empaths. We spend so much time thinking about them, their words, their actions. Our minds love a good problem to solve and these people are one mighty problem.  But we can't fix this.

What has helped me immensely is turning away, having distance but more importantly having emotional distance.  Letting go. It's not easy but reaching a place of not thinking about them and turning back to what I do control which is me has been like a breath of fresh air.  Only you control your emotions, you can choose whether to be offended or not or how much you think about someone else. What if you engrossed yourself in the moment, didnt allow yourself to ruminate about her.  Fill your time with loved ones, hobbies, things that matter to you, that you enjoy, reading, movies, sport whatever.  What if you stopped caring about her opinion.  You don't like her, you don't respect her so why do you care about her opinion of you.  I know its not easy to switch it off but think about it honestly.  Read that first paragraph again, is this someone you should be listening to or is she kind, loving, can you trust her.  If the answer is no, you have given your MIL plenty of time to be nice and normal, now its time to protect yourself.

This thing she is doing now, the money, gifts, its not genuine, its just one more tactic. You know you aren't the bi!ch. You have tried, as empaths do but get her off your rowboat, push hers away from you and make room for the other row boats that do matter to be closer.  Best way to live is to live happily, genuinely happy. Thats where you aim for now, row towards that.

Wanted to add one thing that helped me was instead of focusing on MIL was to look into my own expectations and beliefs.  I had expectations that with marriage came a new family.  I had expectations that I would get along with MIL, that she would be nice etc.  I had to challenge these expectations and realise that just because I believed them to be true didn't make them true. In the end dropping my own expectations of how I thought things should be and simply accepting her as she actually is helped me in letting go.  No it doesn't change them or the situation, but it does help change how you feel and respond to the situation. It's a process and from time to time we get sucked back in but that's ok.  Dust ourselves off and move on.  Throw your kindness and love into those who are kind and loving with you.  You can still be kind and respectful to your MIL, don't let her take your natural disposition but you also don't need to dance to her tune.  Let her sing that one alone.

[no1schild]

Thank you, thank you. I've never had the kind of understanding from any friend, family, or therapist that I feel from you all. I've been chewing on so many of the wise nuggets you have each  gifted me.

You all mention an area that is most likely the source of my pain, and it's also what I have been avoiding in my healing the most. The question of "Why do I think putting up with abuse is better than removing myself from it?" I guess I have found it easier to focus on her misgivings rather than my own. The truth is, my bio father is an addict and has hurt me immensely. Now we basically do not speak. My step father completed suicide, and was bipolar and untreated throughout my childhood, and caused great suffering in my FOO. My mother was a victim of abuse and unintentionally made me a parentified child as a result.

Perhaps I did have expectations that my in laws would love me in the way parents are supposed to love their children. Although, I do not think I ever experienced that sort of love first-hand to recognize it.
But you are all correct in your assessment that I am not loving myself. I think I have been programmed to think I'm not enough. To believe that when I am abused, it is somehow my fault. That if I just wasn't me, didn't exist as I am, the abuse would stop. But the fact is, I am abused because of who they are and not the other way around.
I want so badly to be loved and accepted, at the expense of my own self-love, that I allow the abuse rather than removing myself. And there is no love there from any one, least of all myself. I've read, at the group's advice, Neff's "Self-Compassion", and found it profoundly healing. Perhaps I should re-read it. I would love more reading suggestions in this arena.

One of you asked my husband's current take. It is very hard to talk to him about any of this. He used to shut down. As one of you so wisely said, "his mother did not raise him to be a firewall". He has stopped some of the numbing and acknowledged the reality of who she is. But, any time something comes up and I try to talk, he becomes instantly agitated. I know this comes from his hurt inflicted by her and not from his annoyance with me "bringing it up again", but it still hurts me. We are different in that he does not WANT to talk about unpleasantries (even though he needs to), and I NEED to, in order to heal. The space to do so here is one reason why I so value this group and believe it to be a God-send.

The part I am struggling with presently is "the boat", again. You see, there is collateral damage should we decide to keep our boat far away from my MIL's boat. And I do not know how to handle it. My husband doesn't want to, and it lands on me.

I found out through the grapevine that my MIL is hosting my nieces and nephews this week. They live 8 hours away and we don't seem them often. The person who told us was one who I believe my MIL knew would "get the message" to us. These are the kinds of situations that are painful.
My kids love their cousins. Their mother, My SIL (golden child, flying monkey) almost never speaks to us and has said many hurtful things about me and my husband, which we've mostly left alone. She clearly believes there are sides to choose and we are on the wrong one.

So my kids can't see their cousins without my H and I interacting with my MIL. And it seems she purposely sets it up in such a way that we are excluded (my other SIL knew of the plans prior). She likes the control. She likes to be able to say "look we're all living happy and well without you."
In addition, next week they are all going on a vacation together. Everyone except my husband and me and our kids. We were extended an invitation but politely declined. So I feel like it's a, "well they turned us down so now we don't ever have to include them."

How many of you have had to "give up" other loved ones to keep space from the toxic ones? Was it worth that sacrifice? How do you avoid feeling selfish for that choice when it's not just YOUR relationships at stake, but your children's as well?

I appreciate you all...

[notrightinthehead]

Once you accept reality, i.e. this is the family you have, not the family you want, things fall into place. You will know what to do. Killing the hope, that you will ever have parents who love you unconditionally and healthily, will be the greatest obstacle on your path of healing. It is so painful to accept the hole within, where parental love should have been. And only you can fill that hole now. By respect, love and kindness for yourself.

[treesgrowslowly]

Great questions no1schild,

When I read your post, I see a lot of insight and awareness of the suffering that your family members have been through. You sound like a caring, empathic person.

It can be extremely challenging for a person with high levels of empathy, to create a plan that works for them, for their life as a member of a FOO with a lot of dysfunction, unresolved trauma. We sensitive insightful types are loathe to give up on people, and to give up on our hope for this person's potential to heal and recover from their dysfunctional ways. I see a lot of empathy in your writing about the people involved.

What you wrote about here, ties in to a very real need we all have - the need to belong. We are raised to believe that our parents and our FOO are the only people who can ever give this to us. But the problem for us is that the price to belong to their family system, is very very high. It costs us a lot to play the role they cast us in.

People like your MIL are operating unconsciously. That is what I believe. She does not believe that she's doing the things she's doing. She's affecting the friendships that her grandchildren have with one another (something you see very clearly) but she won't see it. I doubt she'll ever have the insight needed to see that.

All she knows is that she gets what she wants from some people and not others. There are two people in her world. Good people and bad people. The good people are the ones who give her what she wants and the bad people are the people who don't give her what she wants. She rewards the good people and punishes the bad people.

Imagine if you and I had to live life with that limited understanding of people and relationships. How miserable. Do you think your MIL has any awareness of the longer-term consequences of her behaviours in the family?

Each one of us with PD parents / IL's has to decide how much of that to expose our children to. Children are easily emotionally manipulated by PD grandparents. That is something to keep in mind.

As for the relationships between your kids and their cousins, this is unfortunately, a sad aspect of dysfunctional family systems. When the grandparent generation is disordered, it can result in exactly the scenario you describe. The grandkids lose out on healthy relating time together, because there's too much unchecked dysfunction going on with the grandparents behaviours.

Your job is to protect your children from being emotionally manipulated by adults in the extended family. Children can be around PD relatives without becoming bonded to them, but the PD will often work to bond to those children.

Small children will naturally offer so much supply to narcissistic grandparents (before they hit puberty). Narc grandparents will often go after children for narc supply.

My heart does break for the youngest generation who has to pay the price as well, for the unchecked dysfunction in the family system. You probably can't expose your kids to their cousins without exposing them to their aunt (your SIL) and their narcissistic grandma (your MIL).

When I thought about the effect on my child, it helped me to keep that distance from the PDs and FMs in the family. Those FMs are also manipulative with children and are going to display their narcissistic behaviours to your children. Is that something you feel is worth the trade-off?

The friendships between your kids and their cousins are not the problem. Those are likely healthy childhood friendships.

My own friendships with my cousins eventually suffered demise because of the intense, unchecked dysfunction among our parents and grandparents. Because none of that dysfunction got addressed, the next generation also endured confusion and alienation as we did not have a stable environment to 'hold' our cousin dynamics. There were not enough healthy adults in the FOO, to ensure that our cousin to cousin friendships could thrive over time. Over time, those cousin to cousin friendships waned as a result of the drama and lack of reliable relating among the adults all around us.

If there are ways for you to help your kids stay in touch with their cousins, then yes, it is worth exploring that. However, you will always be facing the conditions you face, where MIL and SIL do not agree with you, they see you are the bad person in the family, and they will not co-operate with you if your goal is to give the kids some time to enjoy their cousins.

Worse, MIL and SIL can actively sabotage your efforts. I withdrew from all of it, because being sabotaged at every turn was not going to allow me any sort of freedom from the bondage of my PD extended FOO system. My attempt to nurture healthy friendships for the children would constantly be sabotaged by the disordered adults in the family. I suspect you are experiencing quite a similar situation. Your MIL sounds very emotionally manipulative.

Given what you've shared, I am not surprised that your DH is in avoidant mode on this front. He already knows that reasoning with his mother is pointless, because he knows she's going to do whatever she wants. He has known her his entire life.

We live in a culture that promotes the fantasy that grandparents are always positive forces in their grandchildren's lives. Narc traits are played for laughs in movies - and are rarely treated as the problem they actually are for healthy relating. In reality, some of us had to take steps to protect ourselves and our kids from narcissistic grandparenting. A lot of family relationships suffer when the grandparents have PDs. 

Trees

[Hilltop]

Yep another one here with a dysfunctional FOO.  I was reading something the other day which spoke about projection and although we see negative projection clearly the author said there can be positive projection as well.  This is when you place your qualities onto other people rather than seeing those people clearly as they are.  We think they should have some empathy or see the situation as we see it.  We can see how cousin relationships between the kids is good for the kids so we assume other people can see that reasoning as well, however positive projection means that those qualities are yours, not theirs.  We keep butting our heads against a brick wall because it seems so obvious to us but we aren't seeing how the other person has another agenda and it's different to our own, in reality we aren't accepting it as it is, even if on some level we get it. I only recently really understood this.

I'm another one who had good cousin relationships in childhood but the dysfunctional relationships in the family eroded that in adulthood.  Your SIL may simply be too dysfunctional and it may be healthier for your kids to form other friendships.  Even though yes, normally cousin relationships are a great thing and many people would agree with that, however in dysfunctional families it just doesn't work that way.

I remember being so disappointed when I started seeing how the in-laws were not going to be the family I thought they were. The special occasions I thought I might start enjoying, nope.  It is so disappointing until I said nope, not doing that.

It isn't a mistake that someone contacted you to let you know about the visit, also done in a way that you know after its happened when everyone else knows prior.  It's just part of the dysfunction. They seem to know our weak spots and what will get to us. The number of times I know of hurtful things because someone just had to tell me is often otherwise how else does the hurtful impact get to you.  It's part of the game they play.  As you said you are not going on vacation and so you get excluded.  Shunning and exclusion are done by both my FOO and inlaws.

But that shunning, excluding etc is designed to make you feel rejected, not liked, so you feel insecure, unsure, doubtful and you fall into line. I do wonder if they get a sense of power and  superiority with it as well as in we are all happy together and you are on the outside. That is how I have come to see it in my own FOO and with the in-laws. It is damaging to your own self worth to be treated like that. 

The way out is to find that love and acceptance for and within yourself.  Coming to acceptance is a process.

[Hilltop]

An exercise from this book I am reading really helped me recently.  It's an exercise designed to work out the messages they are giving you and how you are internalising that.  So I wrote down incidents that had happened and how I felt to see what messages I had internalised. I then wrote down what messages I was telling myself about myself such as 'I'm not loveable'. I also wrote down what was happening around the time of the incident and this part was probably the most eye opening for me as it showed me the overall game that was being played.

For eg my mother insults me and although I have seen this it was the first time I noticed that the insults are the cruellest and most overt in the big positive moments of my life such as wedding, buying first house, first overseas holiday etc.  So I could see how in these moments that are suppose to be some of the most memorable she had deliberately done something to take the joy out of it or make the moment less than.  An insult telling me she didn't respect people in my choice of career etc, big insults hitting at every facet of my life designed to take away self worth.  She told me I was difficult, hitting at the very core of me as a person.

I could see that in the times where I was healthier or in a better place, not reacting etc that they would use excluding and shunning me just to let me know I wasn't enough, not liked, to bring me down and put me back into my place.

In the moments I was down, my mother would do something supportive but my father would be doing something hurtful.

When I finally started writing things down and my mother would tell me she was respecting my wishes from what I had chosen, from what I had told her I wanted but in reality I still had the text messages showing the truth - I saw the gas lighting and saw her response of being shocked that I had kept the communication however no response to the fact that what she was saying was not the truth or reality.

When I saw this in black and white and how the actions were routinely done in different situations, how it made me feel, the messages I was internalising because of it and the toll it was taking on my health, it made it clear that it wasn't worth it.  Overall it was continuously attacking my self worth and although I can't be sure what my FOO get out of it or the purpose for it, it became blatantly clear there was no fixing it and just how damaging it was to be around.

I think for me I would get so drawn in to that moment of hurt that I didn't zoom out to see the whole picture and the whole game they are playing.  When I did see the whole game it was then the moment I could accept it really was about them.  I hope it may help to put the relationship into perspective for you. What works for one may not work for another but these types of relationships can be crazy making and confusing, sometimes looking at it objectively helps to put it into perspective and see what is actually happening.

[Phoenix18]

And I feel downright furious many times. Even though I know she is baiting me and trying to get a rise, I just so badly want to call her out. I know it wouldn't change her or the situation, but does anyone else here just crave for the truth to hit the air, even if the PD won't believe it? I hate suffocating it.

Yes!