The end has come; fumbling my way through funeral plans

[kaizen]

A few days ago, I got word that my mother had died overnight. I still haven't gotten close to tears at all. I think if it's going to hit, it will be when I see her laid out in the casket. When my father died, I couldn't even make myself go in and see him like that, but I was a lot younger then.

My husband and I did a lot of talking about what we could handle for this funeral. Neither of us wanted to go through greeting people we never met (or people we'd rather not see at all) at a viewing, then the service, then making more small talk at a restaurant afterwards. So the obituary says funeral private, and I'm only giving the time and location info to certain people. Boundaries!!!

I just happened to observe that the people we want there are all friends, no family. The friends are people who made the effort to visit my mother after she moved into assisted living, and are easy to talk to. I'm also inviting my mother's church people, because they were good about visiting, bringing her flowers, sending cards, and giving her communion.

There are some relatives who visited once or twice also, but they are all at a distance. I'd rather not have to deal with them, and also if they traveled to get here, I'd feel obligated to provide the funeral lunch. It's not a matter of money. My husband and I just aren't big socializers, and also we don't want to take the risk of people spreading Covid at a big restaurant gathering. So, basically, all relatives will be notified after the funeral is over. There is no immediate family left, anyway, these are just paternal cousins and in-laws.

We are only having a private viewing. I've invited two friends to that part. They are almost like sisters to me. (I was an only child.)

The dynamic between my husband and me is changing already. We are working as a team. I don't have that torn feeling, being pulled in opposite directions by obligations to my husband and my mother. Today he put up the Christmas wreath while I was out, without me asking, and replaced a broken lace on my sneaker! He just seems happier.

[Pepin]

I am sorry for your loss and I like your plan.  DH did similar for his mother.  The funeral was rather small.  We had a lunch afterwards that was supposed to be small but a few more people showed up.  It was an awkward lunch and I was relieved when it ended.

Even though CN MIL was the difficult person in my life, as DH's spouse, I supported him and was his team while getting through the funeral days.  My biggest task was to clear out her home at my discretion and to coordinate with DH and others how to donate, sell, trash, etc. what was left behind.  I did it without question and was neutral throughout.  It was such hard work.  I don't know what your husband went through with regards to your mother but like him, I am happier, too.  Having CN MIL in our lives was such a strain on our marriage.  Deep down I think DH knows this but could never admit it.  He was caught between 2 women.  He set minimal boundaries with her and set some with me in order to be with her.  I gave him a lot of space to be with her and he eventually became overwhelmed...and it was far past the time for me to reconsider including her more than I could. 

I actually did not go up and view CN MIL at her funeral.  My husband for the most part has shed zero tears that I know of.  He was already emotionally prepared for CN MIL's end with endless frustration and grief from the past several years.  She wasn't the mother he thought he knew from his younger years.  Oddly enough, no one has really mentioned her since her death including DH.  It was just time.  And her end of life wishes rattled the entire extended family - pretty much sums up who she really was after all. 

You are in my thoughts.

[Srcyu]

I understand the feeling happier part even if it's applied to your husband.
You could still be feeling numb ofcourse but I found that 'feeling nothing' has been my overriding emotion since my own mother died.

She and I didn't like one another. Simple and as straightforward as that.

You seem to be planning things really, really well in my opinion. I didn't have to do any of that.
I hope it all goes smoothly and that you and your husband can continue to grow as a team together.

[SunnyMeadow]

I like the "funeral private" plan. Seems best to keep it small and invite only safe friends. I didn't have any sort of funeral or service for my uNPD mother or step-dad, they died 3½ weeks apart. I'm sure I would've had tears at a service.

Good that you and your husband are working together as a team! You mention that you don't have that torn feeling. I had the same after my mom died. Relief that I didn't have to juggle dealing with her and my husband who had gone NC with her years prior.

The relief and calm get better and better as time goes on.

[SunnyMeadow]

I just read your other topic that your mom was 105!!  Oh my gosh, that is a long time to deal with a difficult mother. 

Dear kaizen, you deserve all the peace, calm and quiet.

[NarcKiddo]

Your planning sounds very sensible and I'm glad you are considering your needs and boundaries at this difficult time.

As for the viewing, I would suggest that you don't feel obliged to do the viewing. You may feel you want to, but as you mention you could not bring yourself to see your father it makes me think you might feel it is more duty than anything else. Viewings are not customary here but my FIL was available for private viewing in the funeral home. (Sorry, that makes him sound like an art exhibit, but I'm not sure how to phrase it better.) Everyone else in the family was going to view so I did, too. He was a lovely man and I had no issues with the theory of the viewing. But in practice he did not look like himself and I found the whole thing much more distressing than giving any sort of closure. My husband felt the same. I am never going do any viewing again.

[Starboard Song]

The dynamic between my husband and me is changing already. We are working as a team. I don't have that torn feeling, being pulled in opposite directions by obligations to my husband and my mother. Today he put up the Christmas wreath while I was out, without me asking, and replaced a broken lace on my sneaker! He just seems happier.

My condolences. This is still a loss. Or maybe it is more like getting a receipt for the loss that happened long ago.

In any case, I also offer commendations for your excellent sense of agency: boundaries, startight-forward planning, no nonsense. And I congratulate you and your DH for weathering all these storms together.

Well done, you.