Mom call...happy holidays.

[Liketheducks]

Have been doing the emotional Jenga that is "how will we celebrate the holidays?"      Just off the phone with my mom, whom I have invited for a family meal.   Mind you, I haven't heard from her in a few weeks.   She expects me to maintain the relationship.   We're likely heading toward a big confrontation over some really toxic behavior that happened years ago and prompted me to establish LC.  I'm open to a relationship, but there need to be boundaries.  I went from GC to SG.  Many lies were told about me to other family members.    I don't need to rehash that with her.   But, in her mind, I'm the bad guy.   She's the victim.   She's done nothing wrong.
Unfortunately, mom has worked her way into and out of estrangements with both of my siblings.   Right now, two of us are "bad" and one is "good".   
Mom called me up to basically yell at me that the state of the union was "BullXHit" and she lives in a senior community and "everyone there is dealing with ungrateful adult children".   She's planning on writing a book.    (I feel like the world's worst daughter, but it almost made me laugh at bit....of course they're ALL dealing with ungrateful adult children)   She was clearly very upset that things haven't gone how she had hoped in this stage in her life, but is unwilling or unable to do anything different herself.   Me and my siblings must suck it up and "fix things"....because.....Christmas. 
After a minute or two of her shouting, I kind of diffused the situation and we ended the call.   I did about as well as I can.   I'm ok with that.   Just the aftermath of it feels a bit like an emotional hangover.   

[Srcyu]

I'm wondering how you defused the situation. Was that when you invited her for the family meal?
It's no concern of yours what her mates at the senior community have been saying about their families.
You could also write a book based on your own experiences. She sounds like one of the world's worst mothers.
Her expectations in life, now that you are an adult, are hers alone and it's no good her trying to blame anyone else.
Slipping from GC to SG is a massive clue as to what's going on here. She is desperately trying to pull your strings again and furious that she is failing. Your feeling that you are heading for a big showdown with her is a warning that her rage is building up. She wants to rip you to shreds and then pick up the few fawning pieces that are left that she will keep and dominate over.
I'm glad you think you managed the call okay. The hangover you are feeling is probably the struggle of trying to remain the adult daughter that she is failing to acknowledge in you.

[Liketheducks]

I invited her to a meal before the phone call.   Diffusing the phone call, when she was escalating things, I said "you are starting to sound really angry with me".  "I can have a conversation, but without the yelling, as I cannot answer when you speak like this".  Went over like a lead balloon.   Told her everything would be ok and she countered back.   Eventually, she got tired and said she didn't know if she was coming to dinner or not.   After sleeping on it, I seriously want to just tell her not to come.   

[Liketheducks]

Diffusing it was basically gentle parenting my parent.  Being the adult in the room.   A role I've been fulfilling since birth.     Getting better at it.  But, the fact that I have to do it at all is a reality that I'm not particularly fond of.   There should be an emoji where someone is banging their head against the wall.   It would be perfect for us.

[Srcyu]

It would be perfect, you are right!
She is the one who is ungrateful. She should be honoured that you willing  to spend any time at all with her.
I hope you don't end up having to ask if she's still coming or not.

[moglow]

Mom called me up to basically yell at me that the state of the union was "BullXHit" and she lives in a senior community and "everyone there is dealing with ungrateful adult children".   She's planning on writing a book.

And yet [checks notes here] she's calling to complain about your and other's behavior? Could we define ungrateful, maybe, for future reference? I'm guessing that encompasses anything that isn't exactly as she expects it to be and she's somehow being slighted. And you must fix things while she sits and complains about how she's being treated. How familiar.

Don't take the bait and get into that conversation with her, not now and not later. It's not worth the air or energy if she just wants to be mad and beat you over the head with it. When it's closer to that dinner date I'd call to confirm. If she's not interested in going anymore, "I understand. We'll try some other time then." And still, refuse to be dragged backwards through that thornbush.

[Liketheducks]

Update.....
I can count on one finger the number of times I confronted my mother in 54 years.    It went so well that I never tried again.

But, I got SO angry at the irony of her phone call yelling at me....that I couldn't stand it.   So, I used her own words against her.   "You called to yell at me that your two children who want nothing to do with you, conspired together to invite you to a holiday meal....now...if you're able to come and join us and OUR families for that meal.....great.....if you're not in a place to do that.....that's ok too".   It stopped her in her tracks.   We ended up having a 3 hour come to Jesus conversation.   Did she deny her part....YEP.   Did she express remorse....yes too.   I know some of that was genuine.    There was a fair amount that was utter lies.   Don't care. 
I feel better....and she knows where I stand.  Gonna call it a win.

[Srcyu]

Sounds like a win to me!

[Watermellow]

You did so well. I guess Christmas is such a difficult time - we as nonPD have some expectations, even if we do not realize it. And as for PDs - seems like their demons come out big time during those holidays.
Take care.

[NarcKiddo]

Well done. It sounds like a win to me, too.

[moglow]

Excellent! You said what needed to be said - now don't back down or second guess yourself.

[nanotech]

Absolutely brilliant.
My BPD mum liked to quote Shakespeare at us;

" How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is,
to have a thankless child."

We used to get this a lot!

The quote is from King Lear. Lear was a Narcissistic King who pitted his children against each other.