Easter was odd

[Pepin]

Yesterday was the 2nd Easter without CN MIL.  For many, Easter is a lighter holiday compared to other holidays but for CN MIL it was one where she still had to make an appearance.  This meant that DH would find a way to include her without consulting me.  She just had to be there because she was his family.  And I understand that in a non PD family, that it is normal to be inclusive.  DH was unwilling to see that I felt that she was not participating in our inclusivity at holidays on a neutral front.  It was her opportunity as usual, to get more attention than other times and to isolate her son in conversation by refusing to speak English with the rest of us.  Every. Single.Time.

Last year after her death, we all just kind of operated by the seat of our pants and robotically got through holidays, as awkward as they were, after many years of including her.  This year has been even more awkward for whatever reason.  Easter this time was semi invisible as a holiday even though it was acknowledged verbally.  We didn't do anything because there wasn't any real motivation to do it.  What's the point?  The point it seems, in the past, was to do something for the sole purpose of including her.  Since she had to be included, we HAD to so something.  And I find this extremely odd now that I understand this and I don't know how to process it.  I actually feel bad that we skipped over Easter yesterday.

And I am cringing about Mother's Day coming up.  Honestly, I don't even remember what we did last year because that day was never about me as a mother.  Ever.  Not one.  But, I think we did something.  Now I feel guilty for possibly even being acknowledged this year because I never was in the past, save for last year which I don't remember.  Its awful.  Just awful.....I loathe holidays so much -- more than before when CN MIL was alive.

[Srcyu]

Is it your husband that doesn't want to do anything? Was he the main driver in getting things organised?
Now she's gone, no longer pushing him - it's all fallen apart.

New traditions need to be built. It's a bit like Christmas after going no contact. We need to adjust.


milly

[SonofThunder]

Pepin Im sorry Easter was lame for you once again due to DH. 

In my experiences, when certain things get removed, that occurring has a tendency to uncover and explain the truth that past things have been shielding for a very long time.  I hope you continue to seek answers to both the past and your future. 

Wishing the best for you,

SoT

[BeautifulCrazy]

What do you want to do for holidays, Pepin?
How would you like to be celebrated on Mother's Day?
(Even if that is just to let those days slide by with little acknowledgement)
Were there ways, while CN MIL was around, that you would have preferred to celebrate, but felt you couldn't?
Could you do those things now?
SoT talks in other contexts about daydreaming about your life, and then making the daydreams happen.
Dream away.
MIL is gone. Your life events don't have to be dominated by her absence, like they were by her presence.
Can you embrace the freedom?
Is something holding you back? Resentment? Fear? Guilt?
Can you ask for what you want from DH for mother's day? Can you ask him for help creating the holiday scenarios you envision?

[Pepin]

Is it your husband that doesn't want to do anything? Was he the main driver in getting things organised?
Now she's gone, no longer pushing him - it's all fallen apart.

New traditions need to be built. It's a bit like Christmas after going no contact. We need to adjust.


milly

I agree about new traditions and time for adjustment.  This past Easter just kind of felt like deer in headlights for some reason.  Couldn't decide what to do.  Our entire married lives and us being parents involved CN MIL's presence and how to include her.  Now for both of those things, we are on our own.  It's still very new territory. 

Was DH the main organizer for holidays?  No.  We both were and we had ideas about how we wanted to celebrate -- but his idea meant making it into a Hallmark movie.  CN MIL didn't want a part in any holiday unless she could be the central figure.  Easter for example, typically families go out to brunch or church, egg hunt, etc.  Believe me when I say she had to override all of those things and somehow make it about her.  Every.Single.Time.  Ailments, misunderstandings about protocol, directions, etc., ignoring family members, just general confusion about everything.  It was always something.  She couldn't just show up and blend in like everyone else.  It was all about her.

And she pushed DH for holiday details waaaaay in advance as a way to secure her presence -- and so that she could turn down other invites from DH's siblings and then speak poorly about them behind their backs.  Ugh.  Glad that's over.

[SunnyMeadow]

And I am cringing about Mother's Day coming up.  Honestly, I don't even remember what we did last year because that day was never about me as a mother.  Ever.  Not one.  But, I think we did something.  Now I feel guilty for possibly even being acknowledged this year because I never was in the past, save for last year which I don't remember.  Its awful.  Just awful.....I loathe holidays so much -- more than before when CN MIL was alive.

Oh boy, I know that loathing feeling with holidays. It stinks so much but now that my mother is gone ... 

Now holidays are about what other people want to do, not just her. I always did her mother's day on Saturday. My mother's day was on Sunday. Pepin, maybe plan what you want to do and tell everyone your wishes. If it's just you and your kids...that's great! Dh doesn't need to be involved at all. He can stay home and your kids can take you out. I don't wait for dh to make plans. If there's something I want to do, I let him know or my kids know. It's easier for me than being disappointed on the day.

Wishing you a calm and pleasant Mother's Day! ♥

[Pepin]

Now holidays are about what other people want to do, not just her. I always did her mother's day on Saturday. My mother's day was on Sunday. Pepin, maybe plan what you want to do and tell everyone your wishes. If it's just you and your kids...that's great! Dh doesn't need to be involved at all. He can stay home and your kids can take you out. I don't wait for dh to make plans. If there's something I want to do, I let him know or my kids know. It's easier for me than being disappointed on the day.

Wishing you a calm and pleasant Mother's Day! ♥

Thanks and I wish it was as simple as that because DH was the other driving force with how we celebrated holidays.  CN MIL would get in his ear and then he'd be going bananas trying to incorporate her -- and that ultimately meant that she stole the show.  It was as if every holiday was about honoring her rather than the actual holiday.  And it was also kind of weird that she really didn't understand that holidays were not always about doing the same thing -- she just didn't look beyond anything other than thinking she should always be a guest of honor and be served a nice meal.  It was very weird. 

In the past, if I attempted to voice plans that focused on our nuclear family, DH would take offense and feel that I was not being inclusive, so I stopped volunteering ideas.  He also looked down upon us celebrating with her on a day other than the actual holiday itself.  He really just believed that we needed to always be together.  And if for whatever reason we did do things separately, the he'd feel bad that she was alone on the actual holiday.  Yeah, I know, messed up on many levels.  That was the reality of involving her in our lives. 

Even though she died last year and we got through a year of firsts, it still feels kind of fresh and awkward.  Honestly this year, I'd be happy to keep it low key.  I fear that if we did something over the top, that DH would start thinking about his mother and feel bad that she wasn't around to celebrate...