Follow-up for Holiday Visit with Parents

[Big Bear]

Greetings Out of the FOG Friends,

I would like to share an update of how my past Christmas went.  I posted about this not too long ago, but I will give a summary in case you missed it.

So, my wife and I invited my parents to our house for Christmas 2022.  I was uneasy about this from the beginning, but I gave in to external pressure and decided to invite them.  

First of all, I would like to avoid any misunderstandings.  I am thankful for my parents and appreciate the fact that they provided for me as I was growing up.  In fact, I love them so much that I am willing to allow them to experience the consequences of their actions.  Even if this means that I may need to enforce stronger boundaries moving forward.

Also, I would like to be clear that I love my wife and I strive to be a united front with her.  However, I have been growing in a journey out of the F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt).  She still carries a sense of obligation (the "O" of FOG) when it comes to our families of origin (FOO).  She wants to have annual visits with both of our FOOs.  On the other hand, I feel a need to distance myself from both of our FOOs in order to protect myself from the negative effects of being around many of these people.  I accept that her journey Out of the FOG may take longer than mine.  Each person experiences reality through a unique set of experiences, and I am hoping that we may share more unity in this regard in the future.

Additionally, I would like to say that I watched the Dr. Ken Adams video about surviving the holidays with an enmeshed family system.  I thought this was a great episode!  His no-nonsense, blunt approach really appeals to me.  The way he described unhealthy families really reminded me of my family.  One point he made was that in unhealthy family systems politics is often used in a negative way to divide and bring strife into families.  Watching this episode helped me feel stronger to be able to say no or yes to requests to spend additional time with family.  (Thanks Leonor for the recommendation!)

So, back to my story.  Prior to the visit I was experiencing anxiety about having my parents stay at our house.  I had a feeling that having them here may not have been the best idea.  Yet, I was hoping that it might go OK.  I mentally prepared myself for the visit and made plans to help minimize any potential problems that could arise.  

The visit with my parents started out fine.  They enjoyed spending time with their grand kids (my kids).  I had activities planned to avoid too much down time.  Also, I took time off work so that I would be around the whole time.  For the first few days I was surprised how well things were going.  

However, on the last full day of the visit things went downhill fast.  We were sitting around the table for dinner having casual conversation.  Then all of a sudden my mother blurted out a controversial and offensive political statement.  For context, my wife and mother are on different sides politically and this is risky territory to enter.  An emotionally intense and largely futile political discussion ensued that essentially only involved my wife and mother.  They both were adamant to continue the conversation and added more and more controversial topics into the discussion.  Neither of them would let up or back down and this went on for the rest of the evening.  I even had to put my oldest child to bed early because the discussion was getting out of hand.  It was like letting a wild animal out of a cage or something.  I felt like there was very little I could do to stop this once it had started.

Early the next morning I drove my parents to the airport and I felt exhausted and relieved that they were gone.  Suffice it to say that this was a wake-up call for me.  After contemplating the experience I have privately decided to enforce stronger boundaries with my parents.  For starters, I have decided that I am not going to have them stay in my house in the future.  Secondly, I have decided not to travel to their home state to visit them.  It would just be too much.  My mother has stated that she wants all of her adult children and their families to visit her this coming summer.  Even after the difficult holiday visit, she continued to talk about how she wants us all to visit.  I just can't do this any longer.  The holiday political outburst was too much for me.  I am tired of family members who can be so toxic, divisive, and hurtful.  

For my own peace and protecting my own mental health I am taking a break from in-person visits with my parents and siblings.  I am going to use medium chill even stronger with my parents.  This is not meant to punish anyone, it is just what I need for myself and my health.  I am choosing to put my family of choice first.  I am choosing to put my need for peace first.  I am choosing to have healthy boundaries first.

Thanks for reading my post.  I appreciate all of you here on this forum!   

Sincerely,
Big Bear

[notrightinthehead]

I am glad that most of the visit went well. And sorry that your wife and your mother decided to have it out on the last evening.
My husband and his mother used to do that, sometimes bringing my kids to tears, frightened by all the negative emotions and the aggression displayed.  While my husband and his mother seemed to be fine a short time after, the rest of the family was distraught and exhausted.
In the earlier years of my marriage I would sit there, listen to the cockfight, becoming increasingly anxious and agitated. Not being able to put a word in or to stop the fight. In the latter years I decided that I would let them do what they wanted, but I no longer would be available as an audience. When I sensed that coming, I would get up, told my kids that this would become unpleasant now and I would leave. They were welcome to join me or they could stay, their choice. They always joined me.
My husband would try to pick a fight with me afterwards, accusing me that I was not supportive of him. I just medium chilled that. "Oh, you feel that I should have shouted with you? I am sorry you feel that way."

Role model for your wife how not to take a bait. Don't tell her. Show her.

[Leonor]

Hi Big Bear,

I'm sorry that your holiday visit ended on such a troubled and upsetting note.

I completely have been there at the last meal of a holiday that seemed more or less ok that wound up in explosions, arguments and upset that rattled my dh and I for days while the ILs blithely traveled home.

After many years of this, dh and I started to notice a definite pattern of some crisis, real, massaged or completely manufactured, as a conclusion to every visit.

At first, it was puzzling ("but everything seemed to be going so well!") and then infuriating ("They always ruin everything!") But with the space that boundaries bring, I have a wider perspective: my ILs are damaged people, emotionally stunted at toddlerhood, and they deal with the stress and grief of separation by creating a crisis. It's their way of expressing the pain that comes up for them around change and absence and stress. The noise and emotion and attention, for them, is much preferable to what we would enjoy as peaceful and harmonious ... They get triggered into the trauma of their abandonment. It's unbearable, and so, for example, your mother picks a fight with your wife to relieve that tension.

Do they sense something is wrong? Do they feel sad and afraid? Yes, but they don't know why. They "think," and will swear up and down, and believe, that their upset is all about how your wife responded to an innocent comment. Now the separation isn't about you stepping into an adult role of husband and father, and how the end of their visit makes that painfully clear (they go home, you stay away), but about how your scheming and heartless wife is driving a wedge between loving parents and their dutiful son.

Does your mother have choices? Yes, of course. Does she know that if she makes that kind of comment, she'll get a response? Of course. Does she lob it towards your wife instead of you on purpose? Oh, you bet! But does she have insight as to why she does these things, the kind of insight that would allow her to examine her role in the upset? To understand that she is instigating an argument to relieve her emotional distress?

No. She just does not have that. But you do. And so does your wife, even though she's not ready to step all the way into it yet (it took me 20 years and strict NC, so no heat from here.)

When your wife reacts to your mom, she's taking the bait. But she's not just reacting to your mom; she's relieving all the tension and anxiety she's been holding inside around this visit and her inlaws and the holidays and all that FOG. Your mom gives her an excuse to blow off some steam to ... About your parents and about her parents. Let's face it, it feels good to yell when we're mad. It brings relief. In that sense, fighting works.

And both of these women are perfectly, subconsciously but perfectly, aware that this is not a political debate. They are fighting over you. Your mom wants to show that she is able to say whatever she wants and you as her son will defer, and your wife wants to show that she is more powerful in your life than your mom because as your wife she can confront her at every step and you won't check her. Meanwhile the menfolk are sitting around the table silent and bewildered, or relieved at not getting pulled into it, or somewhere rooting for one or the other to "win" so you don't have to take responsibility for your role in any of it.

Stop it! Big Bear, this is ridiculous. Because you have the most important role here. You are not some innocent, confused child at a dinner table whose parents are in an argument while you look on helplessly. You are not the covert, shrinking enabler your father is, unless you choose to be. You are the man of the family and the ringleader of this circus, and it's time to grow up.

If you don't want your parents to visit, veto it and change the topic to the weather. If your mother says something provocative, ignore it and change the topic to the weather. If your wife jumps, place your hand on hers and change the topic to the weather. If they start sniping, interrupt them and change the topic to the weather. No drama. No defending. No explaining. No peacekeeping. No hiding.

When your father says you should humor your distressed and aging mother, change the topic to the weather. When your mother weeps pitifully about how awful her daughter in law treats her, change the topic to the weather.

And when your wife becomes emotional, or anxious, reassure her. "I want to create special family traditions with you. I want to have lovely memories of our family holidays. I want to see you happy." The more solid your wife senses you are in your commitment and loyalty to her, the less reactive she will be around your mom.

You and your wife have some growing to do, but even though it's hard and may push you to what you fear is the brink, you will find that you are wearing a wind glider. You can fly!

[lkdrymom]

I agree with Leonor's take on this. 

My short answer.  When your mother made that comment your wife should have given you 5 minutes to diffuse the situation before she jumped in.  You did nothing.  As soon as your mom started you needed to shut her down and shut her down hard so there was no room for "but I....".  Have them stay at a hotel so if this happens again they can be asked to leave.

[Big Bear]

Notrightinthehead, Leonor, and lkdrymom,

Thank you so much for responding.  I will re-read your posts and think about them.  I have some room for growth in this area and some issues to think through.  It's been a challenge, but I believe that I'm growing stronger.  I appreciate your thoughtful responses!

Big Bear