Punched in my gut

escapingman · January 17, 2023, 12:24:37 PM

The healing path is far from linear, today I feel my gut has been completely punched and I feel sick. I don't know what to make of it and I feel completely bewildered. I don't even know what is the reality and what is true or not. I have made a few new friends lately, shared some of my story, more to some and less to others. It's this family I have not been able to put my finger on, they are very kind, but it's something that doesn't sit right. I felt a connection with the mother and I shared some of what I am going through, and she shared some of her stories. She has been a good listener and given me some good advice. I never felt attracted to her but was quite taken into her stories and thought she really cared. Now DD tells me that his woman has told her daughter to stop playing with DD and one other friend, she has also been quite short with me lately. What DD is telling me sounds way to detailed for her to lie to me, but what I can't get into my head is that DD is either lying and that would upset my entire world, or this woman is not what I thought and that is again showing I am not listening to my PD-detector. I am thinking, who can be so sympathetic and really listen deeply and be that kind just to stab you in the back? I think we know the answer to that don't we? I am however going to keep low profile and see if there possible could be any misunderstanding somewhere in all this.

Right now I want to throw up.

square · January 17, 2023, 01:23:40 PM

I'm sorry to hear this. You may not know what is going on and may never know, and that's okay. Obviously the message is to back away, and that's also okay.

It hurts but it's what we do. We try to connect. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. We recalibrate and we move on.

square · January 17, 2023, 01:27:22 PM

To be more specific, I would cool off given that you felt something amiss from the woman yourself. It is certainly possible there are misunderstandings at play.

Stay on your own two feet. You can move on even if this doesn't work out. If a misunderstanding comes to light, very well. Still stay on your own two feet.

escapingman · January 17, 2023, 01:40:15 PM

Thanks square, my biggest concern is if DD really is telling the truth, because if she isn't and has made this up I don't know what else I can trust with her. DD has been through a lot and she certainly learned to lie from STBX, especially to save her own skin. But, what she has told me is to believable and I would not expect a child of her age to string together a lie including so many events. My only hope is she has made some misunderstandings and it comes out as just that in the end, but I doubt it. I can see how fast I got into oversharing in this friendship as I thought she was genuinely helpful and listening. All the time I have been monitoring other new friends and have had big suspicions against another family and taken a step back with them, they to has been very kind, almost overkind and that made my flags flag up. But can I possible get involved with 2 families where there are something fishy going on at the same time? I am just not sure and I am struggling with no support network and being suspicious to everyone that offer any friendship.

NarcKiddo · January 17, 2023, 01:54:41 PM

It's tough but the advice to back off (at least for now) is sensible, in my view. And you say that you plan to stay low profile for a while. That seems the best way to go. It is possible DD has misunderstood some things. It is possible you have misunderstood some things. It is possible the woman has misunderstood some things. Or any combination.

Has DD provided any explanation as to why the woman's daughter has been told not to play with the other girl as well as not to play with your DD? Maybe the problem is with the children? Maybe the woman's daughter thinks your DD and the other girl are ganging up against her and her mother has advised her to steer clear of them?

square · January 17, 2023, 02:06:34 PM

I see two possible options.

One is to speak to the woman directly, say you sensed something and wanted to know if you may have done or said something. I would leave DD out of this entirely, and even if the woman specifically mentions DD, say you will speak to her to find out more (rather than relay what DD told you).

The other option is to wait and see. You may never know what happened here, but you will certainly know over time if DD begins a habit of lying to solve problems or create drsma.

I would NOT at this point even imply an accusation to her.

If you find yourself at that point, give her a face-saving out ("maybe you misunderstood" or the like) while also making clear what you expect of her ("next time, just tell me what you're sure happened and leave the guesses out of it"). It will be easier for her to improve her behavior if she doesn't feel forced to admit something like that - that is a pretty advanced thing to do.

escapingman · January 17, 2023, 02:29:57 PM

Thanks to both of you, I have asked DD if there is any chance of her misunderstanding and it could be. Apparently what is supposed to have happened is that DD and this other friend has been branded bad influence by the mother of the other child. I would have just put it down as children's squabbles etc if it wasn't for things DD told me that happened before this and the fact DD also revealed she think something is off with the woman. I will wait it out, but after all I think I need to start paying attention to red flags and there are lots of them, for both these families I mentioned. The weirdest thing is that the woman is either an empath or a PD and I just can't make sense of it.

escapingman · January 17, 2023, 02:40:31 PM

Writing things down here and reading your replies is making me see a very possible explanation, if that is the case both DD and the mother are innocent. This lays with the other girl, that I think might be a bit of a handful, and that she might have been the one getting into trouble and dragged DD into it. I need to stop jumping to conclusions and really have to stop thinking worst case scenario all the time. It's just stupid how I have been programmed to think. But whatever is the case, I need to learn to not overshare and get to fast in to deep relationships so quick - friendly or romantic.

square · January 17, 2023, 02:53:31 PM

I think that's a good plan, to slow things down on both ends - to be slower about opening yourself to another person, and slower to decide something is definitely broken.

You're going to feel your feelings, the ups and downs, and that's okay. But learning to sit with those feelings for a bit will also help. It's good to work your thoughts out here.

escapingman · January 18, 2023, 01:56:53 PM

I am just going to slow down all contact with people for a short while and see what comes out of it. This woman knows I am in a black hole and if she doesn't check in with me I am pretty sure I know what happened. But I also know there are so much drama surrounding our young teenage girls that it is difficult to keep on top what is actually going on. I am sure it was never like this with us boys when I was growing up!

But lesson to myself is to stay grounded, don't react so fast. Lots of healing left, but so tricky when in the middle of everything.

hhaw · January 23, 2023, 11:41:13 AM

EM:

Has the mum friend checked in with you yet?

I thought she was walking you through some helpful scenarios regarding the teacher/SW situation?

escapingman · January 23, 2023, 01:18:49 PM

Quote from: hhaw on January 23, 2023, 11:41:13 AM
EM:

Has the mum friend checked in with you yet?

I thought she was walking you through some helpful scenarios regarding the teacher/SW situation?

She has given me advice, I am not sure what to do yet though. I am not sure I can rely to much on her as I don't think she wants to involve herself to much, I respect that. There is a possibility that DD might have been right, but I don't think so.