harrassment and then threats

[honest.bee]

How do I deal with the non-stop patterns of harassment followed by threats if I refuse to do what my co-parent/husband wants for me to do for him and right away, as soon as he requests it.   It's a form of control yes, I know however, it's emotionally exhausting.  He mentioned he is at peace and had therapy when we initially separated however, he is not at peace.   Oftentimes what he says is non-congruent to what he does or feels, I can sense it off of him (I'm a sensor as I have a high emotional intelligence).    This behaviour affects my daily life, I've had to call  in sick at work due to the anxiety it causes me and it's making me look really bad at work.   

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Please check out the Toolbox for strategies when dealing with a difficult person.
I am not sure about the nature of your relationship- you wrote you are separated, but yet your partner harasses you with demands and that stresses you out to the extent that you are unable to work? What would happen if you only took his calls one hour per day? Or once a week even? Would that be possible?
One of the most important things I have learned in my recovery is, that I have no control whatsoever over how others behave,  I can however control how I behave in return.

[honest.bee]

I like this suggestion.  I had tried this about 1 year ago with the recommendation of a therapist however he does not respect it.   We've had an application for communicating ever since the start of the separation.    He was insulted that I had asked for communicating only with the "communication application" that filters aggressive messages, he voiced this during some recent "parenting therapy" and he was wanting to be able to text me again rather, this was voiced in our first session of therapy (of course the therapist barely knows us and has not seen the PD traits yet, at least I don't think he has).   

I had been trying to reconcile our marriage relationship however, it backfired on me.   The idea was to start with "parenting therapy" and then see where this leads.... with some therapy, we were communicating more openly and it was finally nice to be able to be aligned with the communication.  He was making comments on my physical appearance, multiple times on our children's exchanges and also invited me many times over to his place either with the children around or when they were asleep etc.   

I decided to explore and see if our relationship could be reconciled in a healthy way of course (no toxic behaviors) and I found him lying again (having women at his place when he doesn't have the children) as he wants the best of both worlds, he continues to be on dating sites, would rather be putting energy towards a woman he has been attracted to for 2 months and barely sees than with me (whom he is still attracted to - I think he focuses more on physical appearances).   

I think I am done with this relationship, he's proven to me time and time again in the last 1.5 years, he cares only about his own agenda and he wants to please his childhood family rather than be who is meant to be.    The moment I had children, his parents were wanting to be my best friend and before this, were not liking my boundaries with them...they would disrespect me in multiple ways, planning events for us to attend without consulting me and only my husband.   I honestly had no voice in my marriage or with this in-law family and they would pretend as though everything was just fine. 

I think I may need to go back to just using the communication application (even though he is upset we are paying 100$ each for the year).   

The same patterns of behaviors mentioned in my first message here are continuing and it's exhausting.   The unfortunate part here, is that I feel stuck to continue this parenting relationship for my children who are 2 and 4 even though I'm doing most of the parenting.   

Such a difficult spot to be in.   

[notrightinthehead]

Your kids are small still. They need you a lot. They need a mother who can be the best mother she can be. They need you with your full capacities, clarity of mind, good health. That should be your first goal. Take excellent care of yourself and make sure you are the best version of yourself you can be. Is he helping you to achieve this goal? Anybody who is not helping you to be strong, healthy, and in a good frame of mind should not have a place in your life right now. You are a mother. You have taken on a responsibility for two small people. You need to make sure you have the energy and health to be up to the job. Let him be whoever he wants to be. He shows you who he is and what you can expect of him. Your emotional energy will be lost to you if you try to change him. Use whatever energy you have to nourish yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate. Be interested in what you think, feel, want. Get to know yourself. And allow him to be who he is. Go back to the app if that is better for you. You get to choose what is good for you. Then do it.