How much longer can he go on like this?

[CinnamonBark]

I am new to this forum, I found it through r/raisedbynarcissists and reading the posts here have brought me great comfort and support.

I am the only adopted daughter of a raging elderly PD who also has other disorders. When I was younger he was legitimately psychopathic and highly abusive in every way possible. He is the type of narcissist who never gets caught, even when CPS was called multiple times throughout my childhood and teen years. He acts like a clueless old man in public, and will tell everyone what an awful daughter he has at any opportunity. He even calls me narcissistic which is honestly hilarious. 

In 2019 while I took the first vacation of my life as an adult, he was admitted to the local psych ward at (78 years old !)because he had convinced himself that his taxes were messed up and he couldn't stop me from going on the vacation, and had a breakdown. This is something he does a lot, he will convince himself of something that really isn't true or clearly ridiculous, and then freak out about it. While he was at the psych ward, they did a brain scan and found that he had a TBI and lasting damage, enough to see it on the scans. He had very very high blood pressure and they got him to take4 different medicines which he still takes to this day for it. He refuses to eat properly and goes to costco several times a week just to get massive amounts of food to binge on. He has also been diagnosed now with pre-diabetes because of his obesity, and one of his legs is swelling up to the point where he limps and it looks twice the size of the other one. He will not leave the house to do anything social at all, and spends all of his time playing on his Iphone or watching TV while eating. He is now past 80 and I honestly hope he goes soon, as I have had to block his phone number due to the abuse he spews if I answer. He likes to call every minute if I went out, and recently I put the boundary that those kind of calls will be blocked which has pissed him off majorly. No one else is around, he has even scared off his own family who refuse to have anything to do with him or me.

I am moving next week and he is very angry about this, has yelled and screamed about taxes and the like as I tried to gather the neccessary documents to take with me, insulted me a lot for no reason, etc. How much longer do you think he will live given his habits and lifestyle? Please give advice below about dealing with a parent like this, as its been a LONG 3 years of living with him so hes gotten used to having someone to abuse at all hours of the day and night. How did yours adjust to you moving out as an adult? I think he knows I've figured him out kind of, and he is very very angry about it.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry your father is the way he is. Good for you for moving.

It's nearly impossible to predict how long a person will live unless the person has an illness such as cancer that is actively and rapidly progressing.

[moglow]

Wow. We all go through stuff, but the fact that you moved in there suggests to me you probably hoped for a better relationship beyond the need at the time. And he's angry and abusive with you moving out? You'd think he'd dial that way back right about now. Sounds like you're making the best possible move for yourself.

I know of a few members here whose elder parents required nursing care and that's where they went. One went as far as complete no contact with her parent while communicating with nursing home staff for issues outside his actual care. I'm not sure how long it was that she didn't speak with him before he passed, but she made it work. All their pushing of "this is your father and you have to..." No. She didn't have to anything. She knew what he was about and wanted no further part of it. She saw to it he received the care he needed and that was that.

[Pepin]

Your father sounds an awful lot like mine.  However, I moved out after weeks of preparation without him knowing, until I had arrived at my final destination.  There was no other way to do it and I feared for my safety before my departure.  As a result, I was instantly discarded by him.  Of course he was furious and raging -- but he had treated me unkindly for far too many years.  He somehow thought that I would be his scapegoat forever.  I wasn't supposed to go out and get a job, get married or have a life of my own.  I was supposed to live with and take care of him!  NO!!!  PDs like this take no accountability for themselves or their health.  They just did not grow up and have the mentality of a 2 year old.

There was a reconciliation that lasted a number of years with me holding firm boundaries with him.  He did not like that at all, knowing that I was literally untouchable.  Distance was also a factor in him not being able to bother me as much.  But his verbal communication was becoming traumatic again for me.  Ultimately, I went no contact with him in 2008.  He turns 92 this year....and like you I wonder how much longer he has?  There have been far too many of his "health" cry wolf scenarios that others (flying monkeys/enablers) have reached out to me about -- and I have held my ground and remained quiet.  One thing I have learned is that these PDs seem to keep going...my late CN MIL was similar, living past her prime, fueled by the need to abuse.  They just don't quit and seemingly live on borrowed time to keep abusing whomever they can reach.   

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry your father is the way he is. Good for you for moving.

It's nearly impossible to predict how long a person will live unless the person has an illness such as cancer that is actively and rapidly progressing.

I agree it is good you are moving out.

As for lifespan - it is honestly anyone's guess. You can predict things to a certain extent based on the longevity of someone's parents, but even that is only the roughest of guides. And even when they are at death's door they can go on for a surprisingly long time. A relative of ours was recently called to her elderly sister's deathbed and the doctor said it would be a matter of hours. All nutrition and fluid had been withdrawn. The woman continued living for ten days on morphine alone.

I'm sorry you ended up being adopted by a PD. That must really suck. Take care of yourself.