Struggling right now

[escapingman]

Really struggling at the moment, following Christmas DD has been really triggering me. I don't know if she does it on purpose or if it is a reaction on her own struggles following the emotions of her mum bombarding her with messages on Christmas day. We are away right now staying  in a hotel, there isn't much to do unless we want to join the thousands of people in the rain. DD decided to sleep in which was fine by me, but is now bored as going out for the day is off the cards. My own emotions are all over the place and for DD to be outright nasty to me is getting to me. So far I have managed to do deep breathing to get through it, but not sure how much more I can manage without opening the floodgates of tears.

[NarcKiddo]

Oh, mate, that's horrid for you.

Not much I can say, but you'll get through this somehow. Hoping 2023 brings better things for you and for all of us.

Hugs.

[Poison Ivy]

Sometimes getting the tears out helps. Is there a place you can go, away from your daughter, where you can cry?

[escapingman]

Thanks, worst is over and DD is back being nice. This has just been so overwhelming and I get where she is coming from as well. But I have realised over this Christmas I need therapy and started to search a bit. There are a few trauma informed therapits that do EMDR close to where I live I should look into.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for the update. I wish better times for you and your family in 2023.

[escapingman]

Thanks Poison, I am in such a better place than a year ago. Its not even comparable. But it's time to start addressing the bad coping strategies, triggers and fleas.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

What a wonderful gift your are contemplating giving yourself, EM.  Trauma T! 

I'm working with a trauma T who is certified in EMDR and Somatic Experiencing.  Because of her chronic illness, we only get to work once or twice a month with each other.  But it's been invaluable!

May 2023 bring more healing to all of us as individuals and to the world!

Free

[JustKeepTrying]

Never underestimate the value of self reflection EM - you have the capacity for that as you have demonstrated here.  That means 2023 will be an amazing year for you! 

[escapingman]

Thanks for your kind messages.

DD got into a state again yesterday, she has a lot of fleas as I can see, and it triggers me. She did a few things I needed to try to bring up with her and for her to stop, but instead she went on a full blown name calling tirade and used all the words and accusations STBX used to throw at me. I really broke down in the end and when I begged her to stop she laughed at me and told me needed help and suggested calling someone. The real worry for me about DD is that she is doing the classic divert attention from her "crime" and to a character assassination of me instead. At one point she ran off and hid in the toilet saying she is going to call for help, all I had suggested was that if she doesn't stop being mean I would take her phone off her. She sat in the toilet for half an hour before I went up and gently knocked on the door asking her what she was doing. She told me she was scared of me but she didn't know why.

For myself, I didn't expect to react that badly and the flashbacks were real. If I can't guide DD and let he know right from wrong without these things happening I don't know what to do. All was so good until that (insert word of choice) social worker started pushing for DD to see her mum and all messages from STXB during the Christmas period. I am getting increasingly angry with the SW for actually ruining everyones lives. Why is there not any common sense in these people? Or is it just the fact that mums can't be horrible to their kids and husbands so just let her continue with it.

I am really struggling with this.

[Poison Ivy]

This sounds incredibly stressful, escapingman. Your daughter has learned things from her mom, but she will learn from you, too. If you can get therapy or other support for your mental health, try to do so. It will help both you and DD.

[escapingman]

DD send me some nasty messages yesterday, she wanted a lift home from school and expected me there despite me already told her she had to walk. I think she got it in the end when I had to explain to her that her messages were not OK and that she need to change her behaviour. I think much of it was down to her being really tired as she fell asleep and slept for 3 hours straight from coming home. I then got very emotional about GC and from nowhere I could not stop crying, the tears just kept coming, I think they were coming for almost an hour. I felt so much better afterwards and I feel "cleansed" right now. I wonder if it is my body finally starting to feel safe enough to process all emotions I have bottled up over the years.

[escapingman]

This roller coaster. Just met with SW and she is so duped it's frightening. Now I am supposed to apologise to GC for my (non existing) abuse I put her through in the past, apparently the same abuse as STBX put us all through. I explained to the SW that was not going to happen as the only one abusing people was STBX. She got visible angry. I was then told U was not trying hard enough and messaging GC to seldom, this after being g told off that 5 messages a week was too much.

STBX us just sitting there puppetering GC and the SW. She even tried to lie about what happened in the hearing to gain access to the house with the assistance if the SW.

AARGHHHH

IT'S KILLING ME THE ABUSE IS ALLOWED TO CONTINE THROUGH THE SW!

[Poison Ivy]

escapingman, the SW's behavior and requests are so aggravating!

[SonofThunder]

EM, can a SW be complaint-reported to a higher authority, explaining why the actions and behaviors of the SW are not emotionally best for the children and petition for the assignment of a different social worker?

Would the agreeing testimony from a psychologist for DD, assist you in a petition against the SW?

SoT

[escapingman]

Thanks Poison and SoT,

This latest thing from the SW really took me back into the place I don't want to be in. I had really mentally moved on and to have her here sitting and accusing me of abusing GC was just to much. I told her, and I am telling anyone, I am not going to apologise for something I didn't do. I know what happened, yes I could have acted different, but whatever I did was not going to change the fact that GC was acting like an extension of STBX and was the one attacking both me and DD verbally and physically. I have it on recordings, but for some reason the SW seems to think that she rather listen to a 13 year old trying to protect her mother (and herself). Shall I apologise for running in to the lounge, dragging GC off DD when she is physically attacking her? Shall I apologise for telling her she is wrong to do it? Shall I apologise for GC swearing at me, screaming at me she hates me, that I have a midlife crisis, that I am not speaking to her mother? This is just absurd. I am so angry. I can't shake this off me.

I can complain about the SW, but I need to think carefully before doing so. She has said she is about to wrap up everything as she says everyone are fine now. If we don't have a SW involved anymore at least I can move on, although leaving GC behind. But I realised unless GC sees the light herself I have no chance with getting her back.
'
The system is not fit for purpose.

[hhaw]

EM:

When the SW says and does irrational things, that's your clue to pull together exacting evidence to specifically counter her "opinions."

SW is biased to the detriment of both children.  How can you SHOW/prove this is happening with evidence?

Remember....
No judgment, expectation or anger in your demeanor when speaking about SW or stbx.

Just give the evidence, without expectation, and allow the listener to come to their own conclusions.

Hopefully, SW's thoughts and opinions have been well documented and not just spoken to you.

And yes....you can apologize to GC for allowing her mother's abusive behavior to continue so long in the family, for failing to protect her and for scaring her when you did protect her.  You can apologize for your part without accepting blame for stbx's part, imo.

Let GC know you will love her no matter what, always and forever. 

Teach her about boundaries by putting them in place without anger...,,enforce those boundaries without anger. 

You're in the abyss now.  It feels scary and defeating, but you will come out.

Keep breathing and looking for the joy around you.

What does your teacher friend say about the SW and how best to report her?

[escapingman]

hhaw, I got some good advice and it looks like it should be possible to replace the SW. I have some evidence of her being biased, both in the reports she did for court and also actions she has done or things she said. I am going to meet with her and school in a while and I will challenge her if she is playing up, a witness might be good to have.

[escapingman]

My friend has a friend that works as a social worker and she indicated my social worker is out of order and that I need to make a formal complaint.

[hhaw]

Do what you can, EM.  Don't miss a trick, if you can help it.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Escaping man,

So sorry to hear this. Sending you a hug.

One thing that helps when I'm stressed (in addition to the therapy side), is a four point, daily goal of:

- Exercise - the more the better
- A good night's sleep (exercise helps with this)
- healthy food, especially fresh veggies, fruit - big healthy salads etc.
- social contact with kind, supportive people.

Sending you support. Good on you for reaching out, we are here for you! ☺️