One for the scapegoats

[Happypants]

I came across this quote by Ken Adams and have found it really helpful, especially when I think of how much energy, life and happiness has been sucked out of me over the years.

"If you're not willing to be misperceived, you're not going to take care of yourself."

The truth of this shook me to the core.  Sadly, it's something I've always known but needed it to be said somewhere externally to give it validation, if that makes sense.  I know that it's impossible to be physically and emotionally well when I'm pushing back against them, either in my head or verbally.

They won't acknowledge that I know anything about, well, anything.  They strive to reinforce the narrative that I'm incapable.  They cherry-pick my words, actions and past experiences to enable them to tag me with any negative character trait they can find, even better if they can mock me (in a light, jovial, familial way of course).  They don't seem to *remember* even the most basic successes but will remember things that I didn't excel at.  Those tactics are completely switched around for GC, like my crappiness creates the vacuum and GC's perfection fills it.   Or is it that there's no room for me because GC is the family "ideal person"?

I do have strong boundaries in place, particularly where levels of contact, availability, information and how I respond are concerned.  Those boundaries are pretty rock solid most of the time.  During contact, I'm in "toolbox mode", and often only realise that they've had quite a blatant stab at me that goes under the radar then slaps me in the face a few hours later.  I think it's the shock of suddenly realising and, I suppose, the loss of opportunity to counter the jibe despite the fact that I wouldn't react anyway.  I'll never fully deflect their attacks because I have the capacity to self-reflect, and that's not something that I want to lose.  But there's liberation in having awareness that I can't fully function while letting them undermine my worth and shape how I view myself.

[NarcKiddo]

During contact, I'm in "toolbox mode", and often only realise that they've had quite a blatant stab at me that goes under the radar then slaps me in the face a few hours later.  I think it's the shock of suddenly realising and, I suppose, the loss of opportunity to counter the jibe despite the fact that I wouldn't react anyway.  I'll never fully deflect their attacks because I have the capacity to self-reflect, and that's not something that I want to lose.  But there's liberation in having awareness that I can't fully function while letting them undermine my worth and shape how I view myself.

We don't have particularly well-defined family roles, and they shift. In our family even being a temporary GC does not feel all that golden, to be honest. I think my sister and I are both basically SGs but one or other gets put on a temporary pedestal to bug the other from time to time.

But, to the part of your post I have quoted: I take your point that you want to retain the capacity to self-reflect and the price of that is not fully deflecting their attacks. However, I think it might be possible to deflect the attacks while retaining awareness that they were made. I may be misunderstanding your post, but it sounds to me as if an attack coming under the radar and then detonating later is still emotionally damaging. Clearly it is good that the toolbox is working so you are not struggling in front of them. But even if you would not counter a jibe at the time, noticing it in your peripheral vision might bolster your defences a little bit more for the remainder of the interaction. Just me thinking out loud here. I personally find the "observe, don't absorb" technique pretty helpful. You can still analyse the jibe later, in case there is something for you to learn from it, if you are so minded.

[Srcyu]

You do have very strong boundaries in place.
To my mind, when you spot the blatant stabs lying at your feet it means they failed. You could kick them away because their intended sting missed the mark - they bounced off those well place boundaries of yours.

You did deflect the attacks in my view because you didn't feel them at the time, therefore giving nothing of yourself back.

[treesgrowslowly]

Wow. Thanks Happypants for sharing that quote.

The quote you shared, really hits the nail on the head.

The damage that PD abuse does to our minds, can be measured in a lot of different ways.

One way that I think I can measure the damage done by PD FOO, is in measuring my level of self-care. I do believe that at the heart of the PD FOO damage, is the damage to my capacity to take such good care of myself. I can measure how often I am in survival mode, where all I'm doing is making sure I survive.

The quote you shared, highlights the conflict between wanting to be understood by a PD, and our need to take care of ourselves.

Gabor Mate's new book is highlighting a similar concept. He says in several interviews now that when we feel a conflict between being accepted, and being authentic, we might choose to try to feel accepted, at the cost of our own authenticity. We might try to get understood by others, so frustrated we are at the misperceptions they carry around about us.

I am now thinking about how my self-care is measurable. I can measure how often I'm in thrival mode. I can measure it in terms of time, how many minutes per day is my brain focused on something that is tied to thriving. I can measure it in terms of thoughts, how many of my thoughts are tied to the pain of past PD abuse.

My own understanding as to why I can't "fully deflect" their attacks, as you wrote, is because I am human. In order to live, I have to perceive what is going on in my environment. I can't go outside when it's raining and not get wet. Attacks on us register as harmful, because they are - in my mind it is the same as having rain register as wet.

Another analogy I tell myself about PD damage: When I am chopping an onion and the chemical compounds from the onion sting my eyes, I don't blame myself for not knowing how to deflect the stinging compounds.

To pretend something doesn't sting, is to go back into denial, which is where we fought so hard to get ourselves out of. I hear you when you say you do not want to let go of your capacity to self-reflect. This is part of life. When the onion stings my eyes, I figure out what to do (get fresh air, flush my eyes with cold water, etc....). As humans, we don't just hold our hands over a burning candle and let it burn us. We have instincts and learnings all tied to making sure we are safe, and not going around burning ourselves or letting onion juice stay in our eyes so it stings the rest of the day.

This person is doing things that make my body feel stinging and hurt. In a word, this person is trying to induce a feeling of shame in me, the same way that an onion is inducing a feeling of stinging eyes in me.

Pushing back against narcissistic people, is like telling the onion to stop making my eyes water and sting. The onion is simply being an onion. It is up to me to learn how to deal with the fact that (for some reason) human eyes sting when around raw onion juice!

I no longer wonder why the sting of a PD parent jab, stings. It stings cause it's a jab.

The things they said during contact, only hit me later too -  back home, in a more relatively safe emotional state to process their jabs at me. I dealt with this for years before I went NC. A visit with a PD parent would create a lot of exhausting flashbacks for days later. For me, with my emotional temperament, I just couldn't sustain the never ending cycle of processing the jabs directed at me each visit.

You know how when we stub our toe, initially you can't see a bruise, but then a few hours later, you see some swelling...and then the next day the toe is tender where it got hit? I think that describes pretty much my contact with narc parents. During the visit, its like "oh that jab wasn't that bad, toe looks fine". Then the next day, oh look at my toe! ouch! it's tender to the touch. That's my interpretation anyways.

The more you take good care of yourself, the less your PD family and friends will understand you. By working to induce shame in you, they are working to unravel the self-care and emotional safety you are building within yourself.

Why do they do this? Because emotionally healthy people don't give them the things they crave. Without having an awareness of it, they are very much going to work to see if they can get you to feel shame rather than self-love and understanding. Resisting their attempts to induce shame is key.

I found the level of unexamined shame in my FOO to be at very toxic levels. All people struggle with some shame, but then there are families where the shame level has gotten way too high.

The scapegoat is the one who gets blamed for the now toxic level of shame that no one else wants to deal with. The reaction from the FOO, is to try to make the scapegoat feel all the shame. I think this is why I felt the effect of their jabs after the fact, just like you also describe. I was subtly being shamed the entire visit.

I've long believed that in a dysfunctional FOO, the more subtle the jab is (i.e. Passive Aggressive) the more effective it is at inducing shame after the fact.

Trees

[Jolie40]

"If you're not willing to be misperceived, you're not going to take care of yourself."

before I married & still living in FOO home, I was a shadow of who I am now
once I married, I began to discover myself & love of husband started to heal me
he once got down on his knees in front of me, took my hands in his & said something like "I don't know what your parents did to you, but I'm here for you & love you"

parents are no longer here but I have a sibling who is very similar to PD parent
she treats me like SG, puts me down, and is very harsh when speaking to me on phone
last time we spoke, I could feel my BP rising so I'm not going to call again for 2 months cause I don't need the stress! she doesn't know my cell no. & can't call me (she's tried hard to get it but I don't give it out)

I am taking care of myself now & I can tell it will be much easier w/o parents here & therefore no more family get togethers for holidays & b'days
they were at FOO's house & no sibling is going to take on the work of holidays
last get together was actually at my house for kid's birthday but don't know if I'll do it again

[Happypants]

Thanks for the feedback x

Narckiddo - Thank you for your take on this.  I'm sorry there's so much swapping of roles, that must be very confusing.  I experienced that when younger, but our roles have been pretty well entrenched for a long time now. To your point about the potential of being able to deflect their attacks in full awareness while they're happening - for the most part, this is what I'm able to do.  I guess, to a degree, I'm a moving target thanks to my ability to not react when they want it.  They tend to change tack sometimes, trying to take stabs at areas they haven't before, and this is where I don't notice until after the fact.  The fact that they're reaching for almost ridiculous jibes perhaps tells it's own story.  I guess it takes that later realisation to cultivate awareness for the next time.  I'm glad to report, though, that there wasn't much of an emotional reaction when I realised what had been said, more a celebration (and complete surprise, tbh) that I didn't even notice at the time.  Feels like a step forward 

Windmill - Thank you.  It did feel like a win (though it's not always the case)!

Treesgrowslowly - Thanks, I really appreciate your insight here.  The self care thing is interesting.  I can look back and see times when everything I did and was reflected how much contact I was in, or whether there was a source of conflict at the time (always unspoken, of course).  I guess taking control of looking after yourself regardless speaks to what stage of this journey we're at.  With regard to deflecting, there are times when I feel that to absorb, initiate and carry out some of the changes of mindset to deal with these situations seems to work in direct contrast to how I want to experience life as a human (as a human animal, dare I say it).  But knowing that I can be in contact them not feeling like a tuning fork, and not having to forgo all functioning for the days that follow, I think is a much safer place for me.  I feel like I can thrive from here.

Jolie 40 - Thanks for your reply.  I'm sorry your sibling has taken the reins to try to keep you in that SG space.  Recognising a definite physical reaction to being in contact is both painful and validating at the same time.  It seems like you recognise a shift in your situation with hopefully less pressure to mix with them if you know it's unhealthy for you.  I wish you well x

[Sheppane]

Happy pants I'm sorry you have this going on. I can really relate. Especially the " after the fact " noticing of whatever the jibe was. In my case the more disguised and subtle the harder I find to see it in the moment. And I agree it's not necessarily the feeling that you would address it directly at the time , but I think for a SG it's that feeling of having  being " duped " and only seeing it after the event. A power play, essentially.

Something about that quote really struck me. The bit about being misperceived. I had a call with Mom the other day - I am LC but try to keep in touch every so often. Its a strange dynamic as  she messages me and says something along the lines of " how are you ...call me tomorrow ...even just for a few mins ...it would be lovely to chat. There is an argument to be made that this is a guilt trip and a summons all in one which i should ignore - but on the other hand i am trying to maintain a level of contact in this relationship - for now anyway - so I called. I had been planning to call her over next few days anyway. Anyway the point being there were numerous small, well hidden remarks which I didn't quite " see" at the time as being toxic as they are also accompanied by 70% more normal conversation. One involved a very detailed nitpick of a phrase I had used in a text message and what it meant. My choice of verb, essentially,  and her overcomplicated reading of what that meant - along with my father's interpretation also. It was so odd ( and so straightforward to any English speaker) that I couldn't quite get what this was about. It was only after when I saw what was driving it, what she is really annoyed about that I realised that this was all about deflecting her anger about a separate issue back to me - so it's.......well whadya know ....my fault!!!!! Because my choice of verb caused her confusion. Utter rubbish.

Anyway I'm not meaning to hijack your post but my point is that they quote about being willing to be midperceived really nails this issue. I was thinking last night that what angers and saddens me about this dynamic is the fact that it is about seeing the worst in me. It is about her interacting with me with suspicion , assuming my intentions are harmful, that I deliberately conjugated a verb in a deceitful manner with the purpose of being underhand.

So I think being misperceived is the core of the scapegoat. And critically it is the dysfunctional toxic mess which propagates this, and all non SG are invested in it. If we are occasionally taken at face value,  or , forbid even be allowed to make mistakes then we can't be SG no more. The dysfunctional FOO NEEDS a SG. I know there can be very dramatic versions of this  , and more subtle passive agressive versions. My experience is the latter , with very occasional DARVO attacks in the past which are now less common due to me walking away from an onion being an onion. So there is a passivevagressive residue that lingers on. Its very sad really. It sounds like you are doing great though. Xx